Better go and clean the crumpet and tea splatters off my TV screen now...
Follow Kate on Twitter at @Cruella1. "Very sound advice" (Sir Ming Campbell), "Great blog!" (Diane Abbott MP), "Kate... you are SO right." (Johann Hari), "Well that's a surprise - I thought I was an old fart with a warped sense of humour ... but now I discover that I am apparently 'a feminist'." (Father Ignatius Brown)
"Women find it difficult to counter aggression. When men push back, it earns them the respect of other men."
So women can't handle aggression and men thrive on it. Fuck off!
"When women apologise, they are not really sorry. For men it's a serious affair, a perceived weakening of their status."
Women are fickle and don't mean what they say. Men aren't. Excuse me while I barf here.
A group of scientists have created what they claim is the “darkest ever” material. They say it is the closest thing yet to the ideal perfect absorber, which absorbs light perfectly at all angles and over all wavelengths. They have not revealed how the material was manufactured but it is expected that a key ingredient was Max Clifford’s soul.
And in Anti-Science
The church of scientology is trying to suppress a video of Tom Cruise talking about how wonderful Scientology is. Now you know you’ve really flipped out when the scientologists are embarrassed about you. A personal adviser has allegedly suggested to Tom that if he’s too wacky for the scientologists he might consider joining Mike Huckabee’s presidential campaign.
The war in Iraq may have cost us a fortune in taxes, inflation and the cost of oil but there is one commodity that has been getting cheaper and cheaper: heroin! Turns out that when you needlessly attack a nation and turn it in to a recruiting paradise for Al Qaeda, they generally make the effort to show up. And with them they bring the technology to grow opium poppies. So next time you hear someone complain that the government is doing almost nothing to help the 40,000 heroin users in the country, remind them about the positive side of the war on terror.
A new scandal is emerging over the selling of Premium Protection Insurance or PPI. Apparently people are being charged a fortune for insurance against being unable to make payments on their loans. Further the insurance may not pay out if you lose your job or become ill. So i.e. the only two reasonable reasons why you might be unable to pay. On the upside if you’re abducted by aliens you should be able to claim.
Sun owner, Rupert Murdock has said he thinks the paper devotes too much space to celebrity news. Editor Rebekah Wade responded saying “He can’t understand why we devote so many pages to Big Brother”. Rebekah, no-one has ever understood that. Jade Goody’s mum probably picks up the Sun and goes “I’ve seen enough of Jade this week, where’s the real news?”.
The Daily Express meanwhile ran with a shock horror front page story claiming that a report shows British taxpayers money is being spent paying for “hate-based” education programs in Palestine. Except of course that if you read to the end of the story, the report doesn’t say anything of the sort. The money we send in aid is spent on doctors and teachers, water and electricity supplies and on supporting refugees. What in fact they are claiming is that funding positive activities frees up funds which COULD be spent in more sinister areas.
Now I’m not all that sure that the Palestinian government has a great deal of free funds to spend as they like. While we may be paying for a few doctors, I hardly think there’s a comprehensive system of high quality public healthcare in the region. So to describe any money they have as “freed-up” does seem odd. Also a policy of not sending aid to such places seems to me a bit like saying if we stopped buying vegetables for children, they’d spend their own money on them instead of buying sweets.
Brilliantly though after a more or less 100% fictional article clearly designed to generate hatred for Palestinians and for governments who try to help those overseas they finish with a phone in number. Seriously, it says this: Should British taxes go to Muslim fanatics? Yes? Dial 0901 031 1501.
Fabio Capello is being investigated on charges of tax fraud. Clearly there’s been a terrible mix up. I mean tax fraud is the kind of crime a clever person would commit. Footballers are usually restricted to getting drunk on alcopops and driving a half a million pound car into a bollard.
Scientists say they have used stem cells to make the stripped-out shell of a heart beat again. The lead researcher on the case said Mrs Thatcher didn’t feel a thing.
Also in health Gordon Brown has done something sensible – he’s copied one of Dr Evan Harris’s #hallelujah ideas and proposed that instead of having an opt-in organ donor system, we switch to an opt-out one. This could potentially help 7,000 people awaiting a donor organ in the UK. The Express responded in horror with the headline “Outcry at plan to strip organs without consent”, failing to mention that the organs in question would mainly be coming from dead people, not just those who’ve fallen asleep on the bus.
A new application on Facebook allows users to take the Britishness test which many immigrants face when they apply for citizenship of the UK. The average Briton, it emerges, fails the test. So presumably in the future those who pass will be promptly deported while those who fail will be welcomed with open arms. So I logged on. And failed it. What a stupid test. Here’s a sample question: What proportion of first-time voters used their vote in the 2001 elections? So what they’re asking is: How disillusioned are young people with the state of politics in this country? Is it (a) very, (b) very very or (c) I’m under 24 and I don’t give a shit what the answer to this question is.
Another question asks which minority ethnic group is the most numerous in the UK and gives the possible answers Black Carribean, Pakistani, Indian and good grief how should I know we don’t have them round our way.
Amazingly not included on the test was a question on the recipe for Britain’s favourite dish – the chicken tikka masala.
I personally think we could do away with the whole test in exchange for simply sitting applicants in a room and bringing out a plate of Jaffa Cakes. Anyone not seen eating at least three clearly isn’t British. This would keep out the diabetics too. That is a joke by the way, before anyone starts writing in.
Para-olympian Oscar Pistorus has been told he won’t be allowed to enter the Beijing Olympics as an able-bodied athlete. The runner has two artificial feet which actually work better than ordinary feet for running. The ruling is bad news for Professor Stephen Hawkin who had hoped to enter the marathon in a Nissan Micra.
The Daily Express has a lengthy piece today about how women love dark and brooding men. The first part of the article is about Daniel Day-Lewis who allegedly scared another actor in his latest film, although that sounds like one of those rubbish stories that are just written to help publicise the film. Still fair enough. Daniel Day-Lewis, dark, brooding and sexy. The thing is then they list the other dark, brooding men that women love: Marlon Brando, ok, Jose Morinho, alright, Marco Pierre-White, maybe, Gordon Brown, no, and finally Vladimir Putin, Vladimir Putin!? Dark? His face is the colour of uncooked pastry. He makes John Major look ruddy.
On page six, the Daily Express dedicated about four column inches to the news that British troops could be in Afghanistan for, and I quote, decades, then the whole of page seven gets back to the important news that the nine millionth enquiry into the death of Princess Diana is planning to interview her butler. The remainder of the paper focuses on the shocking news that some famous people may have had sex and offers it’s readers an exclusive chance to win a caravan...
The Independent had it’s own little crack at being ridiculous in their fashion pages with an article about accessories cooing over a Chloe clutch-bag. The thing is the bag is shown being carried by a model in a see-through blouse and no bra. Here’s my fashion advice for the new season – walk around with your tits showing and no-one will notice if you’ve got a cheap handbag.
Labels: cool stuff
And we start today, tastefully enough, with an obituary
Sir Edmund Hillary, the first man to climb everest has died. This means that now the most famous New Zealander in the world is ... a dead bloke. The BBC Website responded with a “Have Your Say” page. I like the idea of letting the public comment on stories but they always pick the wrong stories. It never says Have Your Say: Is Gordon Brown A Cunt? Instead it’s have your say on the death of Sir Edmund Hillary. What’s to say – he climbed a mountain, now he’s dead.
Bird flu has been confirmed in three mute swans found in Dorset. They might have been diagnosed much sooner if they’d just told someone they were feeling ill. It’s the H5N1 strain which I think means they caught it off that little dustbin-shaped thing in star wars. The health protection agency is warning anyone who may have come into contact with a swan to come forward. You’d think you’d know wouldn’t you. I mean either you did shag the swan or you didn’t. If there’s any Bill Clinton-esque gray area over whether you and the swan were just friends, you want to stop taking all that LSD.
And yesterday’s planned love-in on nuclear power went ahead as planned. The number of reactors approved was officially “several”. And with the prospect of government subsidies not ruled out, there’s every chance we could all be paying to have our house prices thrilling boosted by the proximity of dangerous radioactive isotopes. Ministers said the companies running the plants would have to bear the full cost of storing all nuclear waste. Except that nuclear waste hangs around for ten thousand years. So if you were a responsible company you would fulfil your duty to shareholders by run the plant til it stops making money, paying huge dividends then declaring bankruptcy. And if you were an irresponsible company you’d run the plant til it stops making money, pay huge bonuses to the board and then declare bankruptcy. So it’s win-win as long as you’re on the board and you’ve got lots of stock options, like, ooh, Gordon Brown’s brother.
The other frightening thing is the way the government is acting as though approving a few nuclear power stations has somehow solved the carbon emissions crisis. Greenpeace estimates the new stations will contribute to a 4% decrease in carbon emissions by 2025. Listen ... that’s the sound of a hundred million Bangladeshis breathing a big sigh of relief.
Still in politics
And it appears not everyone is quietly screwing the public over to make a tidy buck. No Tony Blair is very loudly screwing the public over for his tidy buck. He’s taken a half-a million a year part time job with an American Investment bank. Half a million a year for a part-time job? How are his colleagues going to feel when they see him swanning out of the office at lunchtime with his Rolex clinking on his wrist.
The only officer to have been charged with a crime of any sort over the Abu Ghraib debacle has been quietly cleared and sent on his way. Lt Col Steven L Jordan was the only person in any kind of position of authority to be convicted over Abu Ghraib and he was only convicted of talking about the case when it was supposed to be a secret. Now he’s been cleared even of that. And the thing is none of the papers picked up on it – I had to dig that out of the Washington Post. You listeners are pretty lucky I do such a lot of research for you.
In International Politics
George Bush has announced that he believes a peace treaty in the Middle East will be signed before he leaves office. He has such a good track record on predictions that no doubt Ladbrokes are no longer taking bets. I mean remember when he said we’d find WMD in Iraq, when he said the US army would be welcomed as liberators and when he said one little pretzel can’t hurt me.
In an important development in the on-going ten year international inquest into the death of Princess Diana it was revealed today that she once receive a nasty note.
Starting with the biggest news of the day
Amy Winehouse has had her hair cut. More on that tomorrow, and every day for the next six weeks.
A very bad day for UK politics today.
Firstly the news that Schools secretary Ed Balls made something of a gaffe in the Commons when asked to list the colours of the rainbow. He apparently responded red, yellow, pink and green, purple and orange and blue when the correct answer is Why the fuck are we discussing this in the house of commons? Shouldn’t we be talking about important stuff like how to maintain the health service and how to bring peace to the middle east?
Secondly today is the day the government is going to quietly push through the formal approval for a huge slew of new nuclear power stations. It’s strange this because we’re essentially being told it’s our fault for wanting carbon emissions reduced. It’s like when you tell your mum you don’t like cabbage, hoping you’ll get extra pudding instead, but she replaces your cabbage with sprouts. We wanted fields of majestic windmills preferably all round Noel Edmonds house. Slight diversion but at the Centre for Alternative Technology in Wales there’s an area with a “range of opinions” on wind power and lots of celebs saying how much the planet will benefit from harnessing natural energy from the wind and in the middle is a quote from Noel Edmonds saying he thinks windmills are ugly. Ah the irony, cos I think Noel Edmonds is ugly. But I digress. The new power stations will all be built, most likely by EDF energy, a company whose media relations officer, I discovered in Private Eye this week – is Gordon Brown’s brother. Conflict of interest? What? Where? Dunno what you’re talking about.
Yesterday the daily mail had a lengthy opinion piece poo-pooing campaigners against brutal battery chicken farms. Today their front page is horrified at the state of a horse farm in Buckinghamshire. The main difference between the two is that the chickens are sold in UK supermarkets while the horses are exported to be eaten by dirty French people.
The front page of today’s Independent says that British dental care is the most expensive in Europe. They say the average filling in Hungary or Poland costs only £5 including x-ray, drugs and overheads while in the UK it costs £117 including x-ray, drugs and the dentist’s travel over from Hungary or Poland.
Another report in the Independent says a cloned pig whose genes were altered to make it glow green in the dark has passed on the trait to it’s young. They say the development could lead to the breeding of pigs for human transplant organs. I’m not sure that if I needed a transplant I’d want a luminous green one. Wouldn’t it keep you awake at night. Maybe it’s a solution to reducing energy usage, giving people a natural flashlight in one finger. Most frightening would be if you had an accident and needed a face transplant and woke up with a luminous pig-face. If you were the sort of person who was at risk of losing their face (I know I can never find my passport and my oyster card, usually got the face to hand though) you could keep a couple of pigs with your face pre-grown on in the garden – would sure be a talking point at dinner parties.
The way in which secondary schools are measured is changing. Until last year they measured the percentage of students getting five or more Cs at GCSE. However now they have been instructed that the five GCSEs must include English, maths and science. This is to prevent the existing problem of schools boosting their performance by offering GCSEs in finger painting, making macaroni necklaces and eating play-doh.
The requirement for a science GCSE has caught out some faith schools including St Augustine’s Catholic School in Trowbridge who have seen their pass rate drop from 84% to 3%. Apparently the drawing a flow diagram of how Richard Dawkins should be burnt at the stake isn’t enough for the Cambridge Exam Board any more.
Civil servant Derek Pasquill has been cleared of leaking damaging government documents. The information he was accused of letting slip was that the Iraq war was fuelling Muslim extremism in the UK. Luckily “stating the bloody obvious” isn’t illegal in the UK. I’m amazed it needs saying but just in case anyone doesn’t get it: Bombing the crap out of people doesn’t make them like you.
Jane Austin has been given a makeover for the cover of a book about her life. Apparently the only confirmed existing portrait of her just doesn’t give enough sizzle to shift copies. Hopefully when the impact on sales becomes apparent they’ll insist that for sleeve photos and press conferences Martin Amis wears a burqa.
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And we start today for a change with a bit of sport
A number of football players have started celebrating goals by making an “A” sign with three fingers. The gesture, it was revealed, is part of an initiative called A-Star which has the motto “every child is a star”. Players making the gesture include Titus Brambles and Marcus Bent of Wigan Athletic because every child wants to be as big a star as someone who plays for Wigan. No-one knows yet if the Norwich team are participating in the movement since the gesture is only made when goals are scored.
The other thing no-one really knows is the impact of football-player led campaigns like this. As an experiment I propose we get every player in the league to drink, smoke, take drugs, gamble and gang-rape an underage woman. Oh sorry I’m just hearing – apparently that did happen last season. Think about it this way though. Titus Bramble, Wigan defender, makes the A sign. George Best – widely acclaimed as the greatest player of all time drank too much and beat his wife. If I was an 8-year-old right now I’d be leaving the A-Star club and focussing on drinking a lot of Stella.
Maybe I’m being too cynical. Remember kids – every child can be a star. Although if you’re a girl and you want to be a football star do bear in mind you will need to double up and star as a gym teacher or temp three days a week because there’s no professional league for women in the UK.
Now on to education
A survey this week suggests almost half of the colleges on the government’s approved lists are fakes. The fakes include Exeter, Cambridge and Hogwarts. Only joking, Hogwarts is real kids. No – it’s actually mostly English language schools that are turning out to be fakes. Coverage seems to be focussed on fake degrees being handed out and people getting student visas while being enrolled in these colleges. Personally I am more concerned about the other side – I know several people who came to the UK to study English or other subjects only to discover that the school they were enrolled in was essentially a front. Teachers of English turned out to barely speak it themselves. Of course these people are unable to complain about their schools because they don’t want to lose their own student visa. No joke there, I was just thinking if we had a reasonable immigration policy these people would long since have reported their own colleges and demanded that they get a proper education. But as long as they have the deportation sword of Damocles hanging over them, don’t be surprised if they become easy prey for con artists.
One of the colleges currently on the approved list has a website whose content is predominantly advertising for services such as online gambling. However a spokesperson for Texas Hold’Em School of Fine Art denied anything dodgy was going on.
The Daily Mail
The Mail today runs with the front page headline MADDIE’S PARENTS PLAN £2M FILM DEAL. And I was rather hoping in a few months time to read about how Hollywood test audiences didn’t like the ending and a new one was being filmed in which Madeleine comes back at Christmas, sings a few show tunes and then enrols at Hogwarts. However one quick click onto the McCann’s website reveals they have no plans to make a film. Strange how the tabloids are so full of themselves that they’re helping to find Maddie but they can’t even find a simple website about her.
The Mail also managed to cover the New Hampshire primary in the US in which Hillary Clinton and John McCain received boosts to their respective campaigns for the Democratic and Republican nominations to run for the presidency. The Mail’s coverage described Barack Obama’s father as “a Kenyan goat-herder”, which a probably not the way the man himself would choose to be described given that he has a PhD from Harvard. Says a lot more about the Daily Mail than about the Obama family.
Dr Evan Harris the best politician in the country – hey everyone my podcast, my opinions!! – has sponsored a bill in parliament which would abolish the blasphemy laws. There’s pretty widespread support for the move so if you want to get some illegal blaspheming in – do it now. God is a bastard who fiddles with children. Thank you.
The law is considered discriminatory by many since it only covers Christian and Church of England beliefs. However the government announced it would be meeting with representatives of the Anglican community to discuss the bill and thus prove that religious privilege is alive and well regardless of the law.
It was revealed that one in four adults in the UK have not read a book for a year, including half of young men. Apparently part of the problem is that few modern literary masterpieces feature scratch and sniff pull-out of Abi Titmuss. Gordon Brown said “Reading is probably one of the best anti-poverty, anti-deprivation, anti-crime, anti-vandalism policies you can think of.” Oh I don’t know Gordon – here are some others: Being born to rich middle-class parents, being put in a special super-fast stream at your school and then getting a PhD from the University of Edinburgh. That might help too.
New research suggests Britain has the worst food in Europe and that this contributes to 70,000 deaths every year. So – calculators ready – in the last five years 350,000 people have been killed by our shit food. In the same period 52 people have died because of terrorism in this country. So next time they tell you you’ve got to give up your civil liberties to help fight terrorism, ask whether they’re doing anything about the salt levels in Kellogg’s All Bran first...
A rare bird called the white-crowned sparrow has been spotted by fanatical bird-watchers in Norfolk. The bird is a native of North American and will soon be transferred to Yarl’s Wood detention centre ready for deportation by the Home Office.
We start with a brief comment on celebrity news:
Blimey some people will do anything to get out of babysitting won’t they?
Now UK politics
And over the weekend David Cameron put forward plans to dramatically cut incapacity benefits. Apparently people with no legs will only get half. He also says new claimants should have to undergo an in-depth assessment before being able to claim, which I must admit confused me because what do they do at the moment? Tap dance into the DSS? Gordon Brown responded saying he’d already proposed everything Cameron had mentioned. Nick Clegg for the Lib Dems weighed in saying he preferred a middle ground between the two positions. Ah the joy of democracy!
In the energy sector
Chancellor Alistair Darling has called a meeting with energy regulators to explain price rises. I could do that for him: “Well, blondy, since they’ve all been privatised it’s now their JOB to rip customers off as much as possible so they can increase profit to shareholders. Also we all love a good bribe and a good bonus don’t we?”
A report says many cosmetic surgery clinics are using aggressive marketing tactics to pressure potential customers into having surgery. Doctors greet patients with “hello fatty, don’t get many of you to the pound do you? do you want to come round the back through the double doors? oh my god, nurse will you come in here and look at the nose on that? What a honker, do you want it sorted out or do you want to borrow my garden shears to trim your nasal hair?”. One of their tactics apparently is to offer a discount if patients have surgery straight away. Look here’s my advice - if there’s one think you don’t want done quickly and cheaply – it’s your face cut up and rearranged with a sharp knife.
The Daily Express today
Leads on page one with a giant headline about how some areas of the UK are apparently no-go zones for non-Muslims and I have to be honest, when I bought the Daily Express at my local newsagent in Dalston I did feel kindof embarrassed.
Inside they are furious about the news that the government has let foreign university students overstay their visas. This move is really unfair on Express-reading chavs. One was quoted as saying “it ain’t right like all them smart clever proper like fancy English speaking well educated sorts hanging round over here nicking all the good jobs off joyriding scum like us. Next fing ya know they’ll be ‘andin out proper customer service and doing a good bloody job, it’s wrong it is, shouldn’t be allowed”.
In the US
George Bush is beginning a tour of the middle east which some commentors suggest he will see as an opportunity to undo the damage he’s done so far in his presidency and leave a positive legacy. Other commentors who have less faith in the divine power of miracles are just hoping he doesn’t punch King Abdullah in the face, then choke on a pretzel and steer Air Force one into a west bank primary school.
Over to China
And Lost In Beijing, a film about a rape in a massage parlour has been banned. Apparently the authorities had already insisted on censoring the film to remove scenes showing dirty streets, but then two months later they decided that as well as the nasty litter and graffiti in the background they also had an issue with the WHOLE PLOT being about a gruesome rape.
A museum of laziness has opened in Bogota, Colombia. To mark the occasion ... well I think I’ll stop there and go and have a cup of tea.
Want to take the day off work? The Health Protection Agency or HPA has done the biggest favour it can to those feeling hungover and not in the mood for going to work this week by announcing the spread of Norovirus – or Winter Vomitting Disease. Symptoms include vomiting and it being winter and medical advice is DON’T go to the doctors or the hospital to get a sick note ‘cause you’ll only spread it to others. Stay in bed, take a paracetamol and don’t go back to work until you’ve been feeling OK for two whole days – which for some people might be mid-february. The HPA says more than 100,000 people a week are coming down with the virus. Amazingly those affected are almost exclusively heavy drinkers stuck in jobs they hate working for right tossers.
The winners in the US yesterday were Barack Obama for the Democrats and Mike Huckabee for the Republicans. I made a brief joke yesterday about Obama being a bit young. Ha ha, very funny. Now lets talk about Mike Huckabee ...
In 1992 he suggested the US should “Treat AIDS as [a] plague to be isolated”, modern stuff, perhaps he would advocate AIDS pits or colonies or making sufferers ring a little bell wherever they go.
He describes himself as Pro-Life and Pro-Death Penalty.
He said he believes the Kyoto treaty was a mistake.
He says we shouldn’t limit oil production.
America should answer to it’s own constitution, not international law.
Compared genocide in Darfur to, as he calls it, infanticide of the unborn – or abortion.
More recently he said “People [are] naturally selfish; only God or punishment prevent it.”, weird when two of the biggest philanthropists in the US are atheists Warren Buffet and George Soros. Also there’s this bloke in the UK who’s an atheist too called Bob Geldof.
In Jan last year summed it up once and for all for me when he said “more bible, less blogs”.
I say once and for all – actually there was something he said very recently that I think was even more stupid. He suggested America should (direct quote) “Go after al Qaeda's safe havens in Pakistan.”. Feeling safe and comfortable now? Want to raise your kids in a world where America’s at war with Pakistan? Hmm ... better use a condom then. Although of course that’s going to be harder than you think since just for good measure Huckers favours abstinence only sex education in schools.
The government has been criticised for the way Home Information Packs were introduced. HIPs as they were called by people who clearly don’t know the first thing about what HIP means, were apparently delayed due to public opposition. Cause that’s awful – the government doing what the public wants – we’re not French you know!
HIPs which run up to 100 pages long are supposed to encourage energy efficiency and help to reduce carbon emissions. Probably the best way to do that would be to recycle it. The Royal Institute of Chartered Surveyors brought a legal action against the contents of the HIPs, which as a result may have to be phased out in favour of a new package hopefully to be called the HIP replacement.
Clearly the government has been caught on the HIP hop. OK that’s enough HIP puns, I feel a bit dizzy now.
Here the BBC has the rather brilliant headline “China to expand lethal injections” which seems a little odd – you would think as long as the dose was lethal increasing it would be a waste of time. In fact they are spreading it as an alternative to shooting people in the back of the head. They say it is “more humane” but surely just NOT KILLING PEOPLE would be top of the old humane pops.
Confusingly in the US two death row inmates are bringing a case against the lethal injection because they say it is inhumane. Now to explain – the injection causes paralysis followed by possibly very painful death, undetectable to onlookers because of the paralysis. Yuck. And people moan about the Chinese eating the odd little fluffy puppy!
Amnesty Intl says the Chinese authorities kill at least 1000 people a year with injections – making Harold Shipman look like a rank amateur. Crimes that carry the death penalty include tax fraud and embezzlement. Imagine that – executing Jeffrey Archer. Mmmm. Now stop touching yourself.
Two fake profiles of Benazir Bhutto’s son Bilawal have been removed from Facebook. Administrators realised the profiles were fake when they failed to respond to a FunWall post reading “Forward this to all your friends or a puppy will feel sad”. In recent activity the profiles had poked president Musharraf and thrown a custard pie at Sonia Gandhi.
Facebook officials said they didn’t know who had posted the profiles but they did know where they bought their Christmas presents and the ages of their children. A spokeswoman – quite genuinely – said that while people could be barred from Facebook there was nothing to stop them posting under a different name. Luckily no international criminal mastermind has ever thought of the old false name ruse so we’re all safe.
As usual: extra material by Mr Cru.
Gerbil, Los Angeles, U.S.A."
Hmm... Gerbil (fitting rodent-based name by the way) if you don't have the power to choose whether or not you have sex, you should hand yourself as a potential sex offender.And then this one which I think rather speaks for itself: