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Additional material by Mr Cru AKA David Mulholland.
We start with a brief comment on celebrity news:
Blimey some people will do anything to get out of babysitting won’t they?
Now UK politics
And over the weekend David Cameron put forward plans to dramatically cut incapacity benefits. Apparently people with no legs will only get half. He also says new claimants should have to undergo an in-depth assessment before being able to claim, which I must admit confused me because what do they do at the moment? Tap dance into the DSS? Gordon Brown responded saying he’d already proposed everything Cameron had mentioned. Nick Clegg for the Lib Dems weighed in saying he preferred a middle ground between the two positions. Ah the joy of democracy!
In the energy sector
Chancellor Alistair Darling has called a meeting with energy regulators to explain price rises. I could do that for him: “Well, blondy, since they’ve all been privatised it’s now their JOB to rip customers off as much as possible so they can increase profit to shareholders. Also we all love a good bribe and a good bonus don’t we?”
A report says many cosmetic surgery clinics are using aggressive marketing tactics to pressure potential customers into having surgery. Doctors greet patients with “hello fatty, don’t get many of you to the pound do you? do you want to come round the back through the double doors? oh my god, nurse will you come in here and look at the nose on that? What a honker, do you want it sorted out or do you want to borrow my garden shears to trim your nasal hair?”. One of their tactics apparently is to offer a discount if patients have surgery straight away. Look here’s my advice - if there’s one think you don’t want done quickly and cheaply – it’s your face cut up and rearranged with a sharp knife.
The Daily Express today
Leads on page one with a giant headline about how some areas of the UK are apparently no-go zones for non-Muslims and I have to be honest, when I bought the Daily Express at my local newsagent in Dalston I did feel kindof embarrassed.
Inside they are furious about the news that the government has let foreign university students overstay their visas. This move is really unfair on Express-reading chavs. One was quoted as saying “it ain’t right like all them smart clever proper like fancy English speaking well educated sorts hanging round over here nicking all the good jobs off joyriding scum like us. Next fing ya know they’ll be ‘andin out proper customer service and doing a good bloody job, it’s wrong it is, shouldn’t be allowed”.
In the US
George Bush is beginning a tour of the middle east which some commentors suggest he will see as an opportunity to undo the damage he’s done so far in his presidency and leave a positive legacy. Other commentors who have less faith in the divine power of miracles are just hoping he doesn’t punch King Abdullah in the face, then choke on a pretzel and steer Air Force one into a west bank primary school.
Over to China
And Lost In Beijing, a film about a rape in a massage parlour has been banned. Apparently the authorities had already insisted on censoring the film to remove scenes showing dirty streets, but then two months later they decided that as well as the nasty litter and graffiti in the background they also had an issue with the WHOLE PLOT being about a gruesome rape.
A museum of laziness has opened in Bogota, Colombia. To mark the occasion ... well I think I’ll stop there and go and have a cup of tea.