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Science
A group of scientists have created what they claim is the “darkest ever” material. They say it is the closest thing yet to the ideal perfect absorber, which absorbs light perfectly at all angles and over all wavelengths. They have not revealed how the material was manufactured but it is expected that a key ingredient was Max Clifford’s soul.
And in Anti-Science
The church of scientology is trying to suppress a video of Tom Cruise talking about how wonderful Scientology is. Now you know you’ve really flipped out when the scientologists are embarrassed about you. A personal adviser has allegedly suggested to Tom that if he’s too wacky for the scientologists he might consider joining Mike Huckabee’s presidential campaign.
Foreign Affairs
The war in Iraq may have cost us a fortune in taxes, inflation and the cost of oil but there is one commodity that has been getting cheaper and cheaper: heroin! Turns out that when you needlessly attack a nation and turn it in to a recruiting paradise for Al Qaeda, they generally make the effort to show up. And with them they bring the technology to grow opium poppies. So next time you hear someone complain that the government is doing almost nothing to help the 40,000 heroin users in the country, remind them about the positive side of the war on terror.
Finance
A new scandal is emerging over the selling of Premium Protection Insurance or PPI. Apparently people are being charged a fortune for insurance against being unable to make payments on their loans. Further the insurance may not pay out if you lose your job or become ill. So i.e. the only two reasonable reasons why you might be unable to pay. On the upside if you’re abducted by aliens you should be able to claim.
Newspapers
Sun owner, Rupert Murdock has said he thinks the paper devotes too much space to celebrity news. Editor Rebekah Wade responded saying “He can’t understand why we devote so many pages to Big Brother”. Rebekah, no-one has ever understood that. Jade Goody’s mum probably picks up the Sun and goes “I’ve seen enough of Jade this week, where’s the real news?”.
The Daily Express meanwhile ran with a shock horror front page story claiming that a report shows British taxpayers money is being spent paying for “hate-based” education programs in Palestine. Except of course that if you read to the end of the story, the report doesn’t say anything of the sort. The money we send in aid is spent on doctors and teachers, water and electricity supplies and on supporting refugees. What in fact they are claiming is that funding positive activities frees up funds which COULD be spent in more sinister areas.
Now I’m not all that sure that the Palestinian government has a great deal of free funds to spend as they like. While we may be paying for a few doctors, I hardly think there’s a comprehensive system of high quality public healthcare in the region. So to describe any money they have as “freed-up” does seem odd. Also a policy of not sending aid to such places seems to me a bit like saying if we stopped buying vegetables for children, they’d spend their own money on them instead of buying sweets.
Brilliantly though after a more or less 100% fictional article clearly designed to generate hatred for Palestinians and for governments who try to help those overseas they finish with a phone in number. Seriously, it says this: Should British taxes go to Muslim fanatics? Yes? Dial 0901 031 1501.
Sport
Fabio Capello is being investigated on charges of tax fraud. Clearly there’s been a terrible mix up. I mean tax fraud is the kind of crime a clever person would commit. Footballers are usually restricted to getting drunk on alcopops and driving a half a million pound car into a bollard.
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