A Little Explanation

Many thanks to all those who follow me on Twitter (@Cruella1) and Facebook for messages of concern. I'm fine. Here's what happened (the short version).

Went out for birthday drinks then karaoke last night with a close friend. At the end of the night, 3am, five of us - the birthday girl, me, Mr Cru, a guy who helps out at our comedy club (Robert) and a comedian (Brendan) - are leaving the Cro Bar on Mallett Street, which is closing. Three guys appear from nowhere (not from in the bar as far as I can tell though it was busy) and one takes his shirt off and is kinda dancing round antagonising people and clearly trying to pick a fight with any and everyone in sight. Birthday girl and I move away down the street a bit but Mr Cru and the other guys are still only halfway out the door.

The shirtless guys hones in on a homeless guy wandering past and starts shouting abuse at him, then punching him. His two mates join in. Mr Cru, Robert and Brendan intervene and try to separate them and tell them to let the homeless guy go. A massive fight ensues. At one point Mr Cru is on the floor and I can see one of the thugs kicking him really hard in the back. Then I see two of the thugs whipping Robert, also on the floor at this point, with their belts.

Suddenly everyone is on their feet and there's a slight stand-off. I yell to Mr Cru and Robert to come to where I am - I can see blood all over Robert's face and hands. Birthday girl and I hurry Robert away from the scene and try to calm him down and figure out how badly injured he is.

The police arrive and the three thugs try to run away. Mr Cru and Brendan give chase and are about to catch one of them when he falls over anyway and is soon cuffed. An ambulance arrives and we point Robert out to them. They clean his wounds and discover a big cut in his head (about the size of, say, a belt buckle) which is really pumping out blood. He's got a smaller cut in his forehead and his lip is blistered too.

Mr Cru goes off in the ambulance with Robert. The rest of us give statements to the police. Eventually after that birthday girl and Brendan go their separate ways and I head over to the hospital to catch up with Robert who is having his head glued together by a nurse. We take him back to his place and I have to wake his poor mother up to tell her what's happened and that she should keep an eye on him for concussion for a day or so.

Mr Cru and I get home at half seven in the morning. Today his back is very painful but he's ok. We're all a bit shocked and tired.

There's a temptation to draw some sort of conclusion here about lessons learnt or questions left unanswered but it really doesn't come as news to me that there are nasty thugs like this out there. Nor that my partner and friends are the kind of people who will put themselves at risk jumping in to help someone they don't know.

Just shocked and tired.

Houston We Have A (Death Threat) Problem

Some of my long-term readers will remember two years ago I had a series of nasty phone calls culminating in the unknown caller threatening to come to my house and rape me. The full story is here. Well I had some success in tracking the caller (thanks to O2 - who gave the details to the police) but I never heard back from the police what had been done or whatever. I was also never told by anyone who it was, which I would really have liked to know. I did try to chase them up a few times but was told the case had been referred to another office and then no-one answered calls, etc. But since the offending calls stopped I figured I would leave it there - either the police spoke to the guy and he stopped or by co-incience he stopped (or maybe he stopped because I told him the police were involved). Anyhow I wasn't exactly satisfied with the outcome but I left it there.

Last night it started again. This time with a text threatening to kill me. It's obvious it's the same guy - there are clear consistencies in the tone and language employed.

I've never had a death threat before. It's quite scary. [Bows to crowd, waves, thanks manager and fans, accepts award for stating the BLOODY obvious]. I got Mr Cru to pick me up from the bus stop on my way home tonight and there was something utterly futile about having a "bodyguard" for 0.1% of my day when I was totally on my own out in public for a lot of the rest.

I was wildly distracted and did a dreadful job compering at the Duke's Head in Putney tonight - sorry everyone and thanks to the acts who were great and made the night go swimmingly anyway. I probably shouldn't have gone but (and this is interesting because it relates to the issue of delayed reporting of crime which has been under hot discussion on here in the last few days) I had insisted in my head of thinking of it as "just a nasty text", and actually feeling cross with myself for letting it get to me. I was only halfway home on the bus when I went "Shit - that is actually a death threat".

Obviously I went back to the police this afternoon and they have written it down and given me a case number so we'll see what happens.

Meet Mr Cru

Some lovely people have made a documentary about my other half David and you can watch it here...

Good News, Badly Presented

Interesting report from the NY Times which has only just come to my attention. In short it turns out that young guys for the most part are pretty respectful of the women they date. Very few in the survey conducted by the Journal of Adolescence appeared to be obsessed with sex, the majority were interested in women because they liked them and wanted to get to know them better.

Now the NY Times seems surprised by this. I'm not, the vast majority of guys I know of all ages are nothing like the noxious stereotypes portrayed everywhere from the lad mags to "teen" films like American Pie. By the same token the number of young women I know who act like Clueless is, well, zero.

Now to start with they title the article "Inside the Mind of the Boy Dating Your Daughter", which plays straight into the idea that sex is some sort of predatory act perpetrated by evil men on innocent unsuspecting women. And then it goes on to say "The overall findings are contrary to cultural beliefs that boys are interested primarily in sex and not relationships." Cultural beliefs from the 19th century maybe but I don't know anyone who really believes that.

There is also a fairly undisguised SEX IS WRONG message hidden between the lines. "Let’s give boys more credit,'’ said study author Andrew Smiler, an assistant professor of psychology at the university. “Although some of them are just looking for sex, most boys are looking for a relationship."

But there's really nothing wrong with "just wanting sex" as long as you are open and honest about what you are doing. There are plenty of young women out there interested to learn about sex through experience, who may be comfortable doing so outside the confines of a relationship. And that's ok, in fact it's pretty healthy to feel that way and have that desire to learn. Even if you're somebody's daughter.

The report concludes that parents should talk to their sons as much about relationship-forming as they do their daughters. Which is a bit like stating the obvious - although I have to say I never had any advice off my parents about relationships (well unless you count thinly veiled hints that I shouldn't expect too much...). Mr Cru by contrast did, but I think that had more to do with the families we came from than any gender issues.

Houston, We Have A Problem

Well I spend a lot of time here on the Cru-blog addressing issues of misogynist violence, abuse and hatred. My first-hand experiences - with the exception of my abusive childhood - are generally at the less threatening end of the scale - guys shouting stuff at me when I'm on stage or whistling at me in the street, that kind of thing. Not nice but, for me anyway, not something that affects my life too much.

Recently that has changed. In December last year I had a crank phone call from a male voice who asked if this was the number for a brothel. I said no and asked where he got the number and he hung up. I figured it was either a genuine idiot mis-reading a number he'd read in a phone box or someone I knew a bit drunk thinking they were being funny. The number came up as "the caller withheld their number".

A few weeks later Mr Cru answered my phone and again a male voice asked if it was a brothel. He said no and again the guy hung up.

Another time Mr Cru answered and the guy hung up immediately.

Another couple of weeks later and I answered one again. This time he had a lot more to say - still asking if it was a brothel, asking if I was a hooker (his word, not mine) and asking me to describe myself physically ("how big are your tits?", etc). He also mentioned the area in which I live - which frightened me as evidently he knows my address. I told him I was going to contact the police if he didn't stop.

This afternoon I had two more calls, back to back from the same voice. This time he said he was coming round straight away to "fuck" me "really hard" and a lot of very very unpleasant things. He also said my name (I haven't told him so that's another frightening sign, he evidently has access to my details). And he told me that I was a "bitch" and that this was why he was making these calls and if I didn't want them I should "stop being a bitch". He then told me he worked for the local police - and re-iterated that he was coming round immediately to "fuck" (i.e. rape) me.

Of course it would be the one morning this week when Mr Cru was out, so by this stage I was in a total panic. So I called the police. I explained the situation in full, and that I was home alone. They suggested I contact my mobile phone company (yes really - as though the problem was the calls rather than the threat of rape - and also as if I should investigate the crime myself, rather than them doing it) and then said they'd "try" and send someone round. They also said I shouldn't use the word "rape" since the caller hadn't used it (the caller also didn't say he was coming round to "fuck" me but only if I gave full consent... the threat is obviously rape).

I was then home alone for two hours. I did ring O2 and they said they absolutely could try to trace the call but they would need to speak to the police to do so, not me. As I thought.

Then Mr Cru got back - in a rush, having come from Leicester to get to me and make sure I was ok. The police arrived more than two and a half hours after I called 999. They sent two male officers (despite me explaining that the caller had claimed to work for the police, etc, surely it was obviously a better idea to send a woman?), who refused to show Mr Cru any ID and instead told him to go outside into the street (leaving me indoors alone) and look down the road at the police car parked there.

Then, finally they took down the info about what had happened. They were mostly interested in some pretty odd stuff like what make my mobile phone was, and whether I had called the police for any other reasons recently... But I went along with it to try to get to the bottom of the situation. Then they asked "Are you not too bothered about this?" in a way that they clearly wanted me to say "I'm not too bothered". Of course I said "Yes I'm terrified I'm going to get violently raped"

Then they left telling me (a) to keep a diary of when the calls happen in future and (b) to give them a ring if there were further developments and (c) that they would send me a letter by the end of the week letting me know what was happening.

Not a very satisfactory state of affairs. I work in an industry where I'm forever giving my number out to anybody and everybody who might have work for me, so it's not really feasible to figure out who it is. I have a couple of potential suspicions but definitely no clear answer. Advice - legal and practical - very welcome.

News Podcast 17th Jan

As usual extra material by David Mulholland.

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Science

A group of scientists have created what they claim is the “darkest ever” material. They say it is the closest thing yet to the ideal perfect absorber, which absorbs light perfectly at all angles and over all wavelengths. They have not revealed how the material was manufactured but it is expected that a key ingredient was Max Clifford’s soul.

And in Anti-Science

The church of scientology is trying to suppress a video of Tom Cruise talking about how wonderful Scientology is. Now you know you’ve really flipped out when the scientologists are embarrassed about you. A personal adviser has allegedly suggested to Tom that if he’s too wacky for the scientologists he might consider joining Mike Huckabee’s presidential campaign.

Foreign Affairs

The war in Iraq may have cost us a fortune in taxes, inflation and the cost of oil but there is one commodity that has been getting cheaper and cheaper: heroin! Turns out that when you needlessly attack a nation and turn it in to a recruiting paradise for Al Qaeda, they generally make the effort to show up. And with them they bring the technology to grow opium poppies. So next time you hear someone complain that the government is doing almost nothing to help the 40,000 heroin users in the country, remind them about the positive side of the war on terror.

Finance

A new scandal is emerging over the selling of Premium Protection Insurance or PPI. Apparently people are being charged a fortune for insurance against being unable to make payments on their loans. Further the insurance may not pay out if you lose your job or become ill. So i.e. the only two reasonable reasons why you might be unable to pay. On the upside if you’re abducted by aliens you should be able to claim.

Newspapers

Sun owner, Rupert Murdock has said he thinks the paper devotes too much space to celebrity news. Editor Rebekah Wade responded saying “He can’t understand why we devote so many pages to Big Brother”. Rebekah, no-one has ever understood that. Jade Goody’s mum probably picks up the Sun and goes “I’ve seen enough of Jade this week, where’s the real news?”.

The Daily Express meanwhile ran with a shock horror front page story claiming that a report shows British taxpayers money is being spent paying for “hate-based” education programs in Palestine. Except of course that if you read to the end of the story, the report doesn’t say anything of the sort. The money we send in aid is spent on doctors and teachers, water and electricity supplies and on supporting refugees. What in fact they are claiming is that funding positive activities frees up funds which COULD be spent in more sinister areas.

Now I’m not all that sure that the Palestinian government has a great deal of free funds to spend as they like. While we may be paying for a few doctors, I hardly think there’s a comprehensive system of high quality public healthcare in the region. So to describe any money they have as “freed-up” does seem odd. Also a policy of not sending aid to such places seems to me a bit like saying if we stopped buying vegetables for children, they’d spend their own money on them instead of buying sweets.

Brilliantly though after a more or less 100% fictional article clearly designed to generate hatred for Palestinians and for governments who try to help those overseas they finish with a phone in number. Seriously, it says this: Should British taxes go to Muslim fanatics? Yes? Dial 0901 031 1501.

Sport

Fabio Capello is being investigated on charges of tax fraud. Clearly there’s been a terrible mix up. I mean tax fraud is the kind of crime a clever person would commit. Footballers are usually restricted to getting drunk on alcopops and driving a half a million pound car into a bollard.

News Podcast 11th Jan

As usual extra material by David Mulholland. Note that some of my podcasts have, against my wishes, been listed as "explicit" - which I kindof disagree with. I mean I do use "bad" language but to me that's different to being "explicit" which would be if you needed a box of Kleenex by the end. That shouldn't be a problem...

Click here to get your own player.

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And we start today, tastefully enough, with an obituary

Sir Edmund Hillary, the first man to climb everest has died. This means that now the most famous New Zealander in the world is ... a dead bloke. The BBC Website responded with a “Have Your Say” page. I like the idea of letting the public comment on stories but they always pick the wrong stories. It never says Have Your Say: Is Gordon Brown A Cunt? Instead it’s have your say on the death of Sir Edmund Hillary. What’s to say – he climbed a mountain, now he’s dead.

Agriculture

Bird flu has been confirmed in three mute swans found in Dorset. They might have been diagnosed much sooner if they’d just told someone they were feeling ill. It’s the H5N1 strain which I think means they caught it off that little dustbin-shaped thing in star wars. The health protection agency is warning anyone who may have come into contact with a swan to come forward. You’d think you’d know wouldn’t you. I mean either you did shag the swan or you didn’t. If there’s any Bill Clinton-esque gray area over whether you and the swan were just friends, you want to stop taking all that LSD.

Politics

And yesterday’s planned love-in on nuclear power went ahead as planned. The number of reactors approved was officially “several”. And with the prospect of government subsidies not ruled out, there’s every chance we could all be paying to have our house prices thrilling boosted by the proximity of dangerous radioactive isotopes. Ministers said the companies running the plants would have to bear the full cost of storing all nuclear waste. Except that nuclear waste hangs around for ten thousand years. So if you were a responsible company you would fulfil your duty to shareholders by run the plant til it stops making money, paying huge dividends then declaring bankruptcy. And if you were an irresponsible company you’d run the plant til it stops making money, pay huge bonuses to the board and then declare bankruptcy. So it’s win-win as long as you’re on the board and you’ve got lots of stock options, like, ooh, Gordon Brown’s brother.

The other frightening thing is the way the government is acting as though approving a few nuclear power stations has somehow solved the carbon emissions crisis. Greenpeace estimates the new stations will contribute to a 4% decrease in carbon emissions by 2025. Listen ... that’s the sound of a hundred million Bangladeshis breathing a big sigh of relief.

Still in politics

And it appears not everyone is quietly screwing the public over to make a tidy buck. No Tony Blair is very loudly screwing the public over for his tidy buck. He’s taken a half-a million a year part time job with an American Investment bank. Half a million a year for a part-time job? How are his colleagues going to feel when they see him swanning out of the office at lunchtime with his Rolex clinking on his wrist.

Military Affairs

The only officer to have been charged with a crime of any sort over the Abu Ghraib debacle has been quietly cleared and sent on his way. Lt Col Steven L Jordan was the only person in any kind of position of authority to be convicted over Abu Ghraib and he was only convicted of talking about the case when it was supposed to be a secret. Now he’s been cleared even of that. And the thing is none of the papers picked up on it – I had to dig that out of the Washington Post. You listeners are pretty lucky I do such a lot of research for you.

In International Politics

George Bush has announced that he believes a peace treaty in the Middle East will be signed before he leaves office. He has such a good track record on predictions that no doubt Ladbrokes are no longer taking bets. I mean remember when he said we’d find WMD in Iraq, when he said the US army would be welcomed as liberators and when he said one little pretzel can’t hurt me.

And finally

In an important development in the on-going ten year international inquest into the death of Princess Diana it was revealed today that she once receive a nasty note.

News Podcast 8th Jan

Extra material (especially any controversial bits) by Mr Cru.

Click here to get your own player.

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International News
And no big thing but well it turns out that Iran and the US sort-of nearly started a little bit of a war. Luckily for, well, the future of humanity, it all boiled down again, hopefully in the form of Egypt jumping in the middle and shouting “leave it George, he’s not worth it” or possibly “we’ve all had a drink now, oh no, not you Ahmedinejad”. Anyway don’t have trouble sleeping, it was nothing really, just nearly the apocalyptic world war Hollywood has been warning us about all these years, but it’s off now, a misunderstanding, nothing, shhh!
Technology
Panasonic has unveiled the world’s biggest plasma TV. The new device measures 6 foot by 150 inches. At the press launch the screen was showing a sumo wrestling match – perfect if what you want for Christmas is two larger than life obese angry wrestlers in your living room. Personally if I had one I’d rather use it to watch majestic wildlife documentaries – sweeping vistas of the last true wildernesses on the planet – except of course that at 3,000 watts to power the thing, each time I switched on there’d be less and less wilderness left. And you’d have to hope it came with extra-powerful speakers to play the cries of the drowning polar bears.
Health
Gordon Brown has hit back at criticism of his plans for the NHS. He said he wanted a “personal and preventive” service – which is a phrase I think he copied off the back of one of the packets of free condoms he got on his last visit. He also said he wanted to push ahead with plans to issue people vouchers to the value of their “personal health budgets”. So presumably if you’ve been in an accident you can choose whether to have your head sewn back on or some therapy to talk through the issues of headless living. Surely your personal health budget should be – whatever you need until you’re better. Mr Brown is also proposing more screening programmes to identify those at risk of heart attack, stroke and cancer, this comes less than two weeks after he announced a reduction in resources to fight those very conditions. Presumably the plan is then to encourage those most at risk to move elsewhere in Europe or maybe Cuba before their condition develops.
US
Kenny Richey – the Scottish man who has spent 20 years on death row in Ohio, has been freed. He was originally scheduled for release last month but that was delayed after he became ill. So they kept him in prison because he was ill. Nice. His lawyer said Richey has been effectively cleared of murder and arson and that “the prosecutors are [now] charging him with essentially failing to baby-sit”. Blimey, let’s hope the couple from down the road from where I lived as a teenager don’t read that, I would be convicted in a heartbeat of nothing short of GROSS failure to baby-sit. Free the Smurthwaite one!
Back in the UK
The Home Office is deporting a man who has lived in the UK since he was 4 years old for breaking the terms of his ASBO. The 20-year-old has been sent to the Philippines where he knows no-one. The only language he can speak aside from English is Welsh, not a major tongue in the Philippines – on indeed even in most of Wales. A spokesman for the Home Office said “foreign nationals are expected to obey the laws of this country in the same way as everybody else” except of course that everybody else doesn’t get deported to the Philippines for staying out late after bedtime.
Politics
David Cameron has said he thinks the long-term unemployed should be forced to do community work if they are to continue to claim benefits. Work and pensions secretary Peter Hains said the proposals to have people WORK FOR FREE would be “hugely costly”. David Cameron denied that these proposals made his party “the nasty party”. And I agree, the conservatives are definitely positively not THE NASTY party in the UK. Far from it, they’re one of THE MANY NASTY PARTIES in the UK.

News Podcast 3rd Jan

Think I'm getting better at this - certainly the technology side. Famous last words! Important note: todays podcast contains additional material by Mr Cru. He will kill me if I don't credit him.

Click here to get your own player.

New Year New News Podcast!

Well as a way of developing both this blog and my comedy presence online, and for shits and giggles I am starting a (hopefully) regular podcast about the day's news. The first one is obviously the figuring-out-how-to-do-it episode so feedback both technical and content-wise would be much appreciated (especially is there a better way to upload onto the web? I'm using podOmatic but it took ages. I have a mic and Goldwave software at home, from when Mr Cru and I were rehearsing our musical show, and various other things). Still for those who care to listen here is the inaugural edition (and if I stick with podOmatic this will always lead to the latest edition). It's a round-up of all the stupid stuff in the news and me being very sarcastic. It's only about 6 minutes.

Match Made in Hell

I have just read this story about a guy who's been serially drugging and raping women he met on match.com. It comes with all the usual women-not-being-believed crap and it's taken forever to get a conviction but it comes hot on the heel of a friend of mine telling me a real horror story about a guy she met on an online dating site. I don't want to get into detail because of course she told me what had happened to her in confidence but trust me it was awful.

Years ago before I met Mr Cru I went on a few of these sites and dated a few guys. I think my batting record was:

1 I didn't fancy and didn't meet up with again.
1 I slept with and dated again but it petered out shortly.
3 I didn't fancy but became friends with (and still am).

So there's certainly a positive side to these sites, I met some cool people (then I went out and picked Mr Cru up in a late night bar. Ha!), but there are risks too. Now of course I'm not trying to write some patronising "women warned about dangers on online dating " piece. I neither think women should stay home nor that the Internet has mystical powers to corrupt your soul (from the woman who blogs ten times a day!). My point is that there are different ways to meet guys and the risks are different:

Through trusted friends is always the safest - because at very least they know it's going to get back to them if they don't respect you.
While out with friends is safer - because your friends are there to make sure you're ok.
On a late night two-person date after randomly meeting on a dating website is riskier, where possible better to meet in the daytime, or meet with a few others. Also better to meet for a meal/cinema/theatre trip rather than straight on to the alcoholic drinks.

Also safer to meet in a country where the police take rape victims seriously and attempt to prosecute cases wherever possible, and where public attitudes towards rape have left the middle ages, i.e. not here.

Maybe match.com and co. could introduce a "see other users ratings" section to their site so you could give jerks no stars!

Post Festival Blog Part 3 - The Awards

Now I know in writing this I am opening myself up to a slew of "you're just jealous" comments but seriously with thousands of comedy shows in Edinburgh and basically one main award, it's not something that I spend a lot of time worrying about. Yes I'd love an award, maybe not this one.

The main comedy awards are the If.comeddies. They used to be known as the Perrier(s). There are essentially three awards, a main award, a best newcomer award and an award for "spirit of the fringe".

The "spirit of the fringe" goes to someone who's doing something very new and exciting, not a straightforward comedy show. This year it went to an art exhibition of works by comedians, last year it went to Mark Watson who broke the world record for the longest ever comedy show.
Best newcomer is for someone doing their first show - I don't know the guy who won the best newcomer, so I won't comment, good luck to him.

The guy who won the main award was Brendon Burns. His show "So I Suppose This Is Offensive Now?" was advertised with a poster which featured him "blacked up" with a grass skirt and a bone through his nose, then in a wheelchair, mouth open and arms curled up, then on a cross and in a dress (I don't really see what's offensive about a man wearing a dress, and I'm not that bothered by him on a cross either, anyhow tired of trying to describe it I've just put it up at the top of the post).

I've seen Brendon before and I find his material offensive. Nasty, aggressive and offensive. Here's a typical joke (from a video on YouTube so I assume not one he is bothered about keeping for his set any more) "Why do gay guys have so much more money than lesbians? Because they don't have girlfriends! ...see you thought I was going to be homophobic, but I wasn't, I was being sexist".

This year's show I didn't see, but some friends of mine did and reliably inform me that the first 45 minutes were plain unadulterated offensive stuff, attacking racial groups, disabled people, gay people and women. The last part of the show is a "clever twist" where he announces he's not really racist, homophobic or sexist at all and that it's all a big joke. The show also features semi-naked women dancing on stage.

To me that feels like those terrible "documentaries about the porn industry" shown on late night channels that aren't really supposed to be showing porn but know full well that no-one is watching for educational reasons. It doesn't really matter to me what the silly justification for the show is, the fact remains that the first 45 minutes are a frenzy of hate-mongering. Surely this isn't the cutting edge of modern comedy? One commenter on the Chortle website - who had loved the show said "...you get to see slutty dancers and not feel guilty". Why not just give the award to Jim Davidson - at least he has the guts to admit he hates women, disabled people, gay people, ethnic minorities...

All of which left me wondering how an awards system which should be there to highlight the great and the good, the ground-breaking, the innovative and truly funny could end up promoting this sort of thing. And the answer, thanks to painstaking hours of research over here at Cru-blog is (at least partly) - the judges! One of the judges is the programming director of Nuts TV.

Let me say that again in case you thought you were hallucinating...

ONE OF THE JUDGES (for a comedy award) IS THE PROGRAMMING DIRECTOR OF NUTS TV.

Nuts TV, which launches in a few days is the TV spin-off of Nuts magazine and the channel promises to offer: topless model Lucy Pinder reading a Book at Bedtime, a daily Rude New digest of ‘the least important global stories’ and a hunt for Britain's Fittest Barmaid.

In fact the channel has also recruited two circuit comics to be it's new presenters.

I feel as though MY industry is being co-opted in to the lad mags market. Soon people will be asking why I don't perform naked (sorry - I have already been asked that live on Sky Travel TV) and offered radio work only if I show up to the studio naked (that has happened too actually - no thanks, James Whale).

Well comedy doesn't have to be part of the "lad" scene, there is another way... watch this space for a gig list soon and hopefully a DVD coming out!

Post Festival Blog Part 2 - The Guests

The other thing we did with our show in Edinburgh was to invite a special guest every day to join us for a song called The Threesome Song! The guests were picked from all over the festival and invited to come up with inappropriate things to say during a threesome. Here were some of our favourites (warning, some are in what might be considered bad taste, don't read them if you're easily offended):

Previews:
Paul Kerensa (pictured) - "Menage a trois? No - I ordered a Stella Artois"
"Just updating my facebook status: Paul Kerensa is having a threesome"
Carey Marx - "Sorry guys the drugs have worn off, I'm going"
Chris Coltrane - "Six across, nine letters, german persecution of the Jews"
"Oh of course - holocaust, how stupid of me"

Edinburgh:
4th - Nikki from the Dirty Yanks - "Advert? What advert? I came round to read the meter"
5th - Mike Belgrade - "When do we start drinking blood?"
6th - Karl Edrick - "Surely at least one of us should be a girl?"
7th - Leanne Stott - "Who's dick is this and how did it get there?"
8th - Helen Terry - "Can we hurry up? My mum'll be here in a minute"
9th - Brian Lacey - "Can we hurry up? I need to get back to Madelaine"
10th - Luke McQueen - "Good news guys, my AIDS test results were positive..."
11th - Liane Ross - "Next time we do this can I bring my friend John Prescott"
13th - Debra Francis-White - "Oh you're David and Kate, I wanted David and Victoria"
14th - Lenny Peters - "Move over little fella, my turn now"
15th - Tomi Walamies - "Sorry David, for a minute there I thought you were the girl"
16th - Liz Carr - "Is it ok if my carer watches?"
"Can I go on top, I hope you don't mind tyre tracks"
17th - Jane Bostock - "Is it ok if MY carer watches?"
18th - Rob Tarbuck - "NOOO! I said G diminished seventh"
20th - Yianni - "You know you two look the same from behind"
21st - David Whitney - "Didn't we go to school together?"
22nd - poor Phil Buckley was ill so the job was filled by Andy the random audience member who managed to improvise the line "I knew you had a brazilian Kate, but David..." impressive!
23rd - PBH - "Is there a rota, I think it's my turn"
24th - David Meech - "Kate you can either hold the camera or you can go and make us some tea"
25th - Andrew Watts - "ok, why don't I show you how it's done?"

Post Festival Blog Part 1 - The Reviews

Long Time No Blog. Sorry about that, been away at the Edinburgh festival doing anything up to 6 or 7 shows a day so not really had time to do much. Got quite a few things to say about our experiences up there. Firstly- the reviews for our show Sing-Along-A-The-Joy-Of-Sex - we had some great audiences, some people came three times! These were the reviews:

ThreeWeeks:

"When you're given a song sheet at the start of the show, you kind of expect the titles of said songs to be themed around God, Jesus and tales of yore, and not threesomes, chat-up lines and sex accidents. Which means watching merry men have such a good time singing about the naughty business will make you either a, sing along, or b, crawl under your seat and die. Though if the latter is the case you probably shouldn't have gone to this show in the first place - the clue is kind of in the title. If the former is you, then you'll find this show good fun. It's a great hour to pass the time with, if you know what I mean - wink wink."

Fresh Air FM (The festival radio station):

"Comedians Kate Smurthwaite and David Mulholland present an hour of songs and laughs about sex, relationships and err..sex! David and Kate tell their tales and sing songs about cheesy chat up lines, things learned about sex after you leave school, threesomes and other such practices in a way that leaves you wanting more.

The songs are actually funny and truthful, and Kate’s ability to speak fast yet clearly (she does voiceovers for banks, insurance etc) is put to the test on the final song when they cram in everything they couldn’t fit into the show proper! Song sheets are provided for the audience and singing is actively encouraged: you’ll be singing along in no time.

Wonderful laugh out loud and sing-along fun. Go and see them and discover the song they cut out from ‘My Fair Lady’, you’ll never look at Audrey Hepburn in the same light again!****"

And the public (on edfringe.com, everyone who reviewed us gave us 5 stars, these were a couple of the ones I liked best):

Best thing I've seen and it's free! 25 Aug 2007 reviewer: Karen Richards, United Kingdom

I've paid good money to watch shows with a lot let professionalism and a lot less laughs than this. We were singing along in no time - when we could manage it between laughing our heads off. The music is great too, Kate has an exceptional voice.

Great start to the night 15 Aug 2007 reviewer: Dot , Australia This is a brilliant show, better than a lot you'll pay to see. It's funny, relaxed and personal and even has lyric sheets so you can join in. What more could you want? What a brilliant show and its FREE!!! 14 Aug 2007 reviewer: Nicola Smith, United Kingdom Took a gamble with the title and was plesantly surprised. This show was FAB!!! Two people singing dodgy songs they'd written about sex and at certian points getting us to join in with them - it was a great start to our evening and went very well with our drinks!!! Go see it, it would be a crime to miss it!!!

Something for Free

Ricky Gervais is apparently charging £37.50 for tickets to his Edinburgh show. Some people think this is too much. If you're one of them try this for price-range instead: FREE! Absolutely free. Sing-Along-A-The-Joy-Of-Sex, 7.20 pm nightly (not Sundays) at the Mercat Bar (Venue 282 in the guide). Third show today went really well - some of the audience told us they're going to come again! And the barman said we were the best show in the venue (sorry everyone else at the Mercat!).

Sunny, Sexy Edinburgh

Mr Cru and I are now settled in Edinburgh for the duration of the festival. This is what we will be doing for the next month...

1) Performing our musical comedy show Sing-Along-A-The-Joy-Of-Sex daily (4th - 25th, not 12th or 19th) at 7.20pm at The Mercat Bar, (Venue 282) FREE!

2) Sketches and improv as part of FREE Comedy Cocktail at Hillside, daily 2.15pm (4th - 19th, not 8th or 15th)

3) I'll be performing my latest solo show Apes Like Me at The Outhouse - one show only 5.15pm on 10th.

4) I'll be compering The F-Show - the FREE fringe late night show 11pm Sun - Weds at the Mercat Bar.

5) I'll be compering the Studio tent at The Meadows on Fringe Sunday (12th) from 11am - 2pm.

6) Loads more!

Let me know if you're in town and you'll be welcome to come and see us all day every day.

Random Facts Meme

This is one of these trendy in-things for bloggers. Witchy-woo has tagged me to supply eight random facts about myself, so here goes:

1. I have a cat that winks. Really. He had a lump over one eye and when the vet removed it he left the skin a bit tighter on one side than the other so he tends to wink at people. It's quite disconcerting. Matthew Hopkins would have had me burnt in a heartbeat! (That is not him pictured by the way, that is just a cute cat...)

2. I can recite all the books of the bible in less than 20 seconds. And boy am I fun at parties...

3. I used to run a women's football team in Tokyo and I once played football for England (Supporters Club).

4. I don't believe in the death penalty except for people who walk about in cable cars when there's a sign telling you not to.

5. My mother in law (Mr Cru's mum) wrote the "Who Shot JR?" episode of Dallas. That's like a proper claim to fame!

6. I don't have a brother despite the fact that half of my stage act is about "him". He is a mixture of fiction and an amalgamation of various male friends of mine and he's called Joe...

7. I have a maths degree. Every stand-up comic should have one. I specialised in functional analysis.

8. I once saved a friend's life, dragging them out of the south China sea. So pay attention kids, there's a reason they make you get bricks from the bottom of the pool in your pajamas.

And now I apparently need to tag eight (seems a lot) other bloggers. Ok I tag The Yank Abroad, Chris Coltrane, Ruby in Bury, Shut Up Sit Down, BazzFazz, Radio Free Stan, Bumphreys and Ann Coulter (ok, that one was a joke but I was running out of friends!!).

Not Coming To Edinburgh?

For those of you who live in London your last chance to see Mr Cru and my Edinburgh show "Sing-Along-A- The-Joy-Of-Sex" is this coming Monday (30th July). 8pm upstairs at the Roundtable pub, St Martin's Court, just next to the Wyndham's Theatre, near Leicester Square tube.

And as a special treat you will also get to see the fabulous Paul Kerensa performing his one-man show "Genesis". All for the princely sum of £5 or less that that if you can convince me you really can't afford it.

And because it's the last one before Edinburgh and we won't see you for ages there will be drinkies afterwards. Please come!

All Blog Together

If you've been following the Bill O-Reilly attacks on Daily Kos (Mr Cru has a great piece on it) you're probably feeling really sickened that anyone lets the guy get away with lies, lies and lies. If you've read Al Franken's great book "Lies and the Lying Liars that Tell Them" you'll be familiar with Bill O'Lie-lly. If you want to do something about it there's a neat little campaign running to let Fox advertisers know when the channel they sponsor tells lies.

And while we're on the subject just in case of of my American readers haven't had the chance yet and want to - here's the link to the campaign to draft Al Gore for president.

A Few Points

Been away for a few days in very sunny France (view from our window in Samoens chateau left) and more about that later. A few things from the news for now:

1) The operation to win over the "hearts and minds" on the Iraqi people is clearly going really well when they think you're sending killer badgers to eat them!

2) Apparently it's too expensive and too time-consuming to bother finding out if children are being abused. And that's just in custody battles. I'd advocate an annual screening of at-risk children orchestrated through schools.

3) Conrad Black ... GUILTY! That's great news, it means something somewhere in the US justice system is still working.