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(As usual extra material by Mr Cru AKA David Mulholland)
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And we start today for a change with a bit of sport
A number of football players have started celebrating goals by making an “A” sign with three fingers. The gesture, it was revealed, is part of an initiative called A-Star which has the motto “every child is a star”. Players making the gesture include Titus Brambles and Marcus Bent of Wigan Athletic because every child wants to be as big a star as someone who plays for Wigan. No-one knows yet if the Norwich team are participating in the movement since the gesture is only made when goals are scored.
The other thing no-one really knows is the impact of football-player led campaigns like this. As an experiment I propose we get every player in the league to drink, smoke, take drugs, gamble and gang-rape an underage woman. Oh sorry I’m just hearing – apparently that did happen last season. Think about it this way though. Titus Bramble, Wigan defender, makes the A sign. George Best – widely acclaimed as the greatest player of all time drank too much and beat his wife. If I was an 8-year-old right now I’d be leaving the A-Star club and focussing on drinking a lot of Stella.
Maybe I’m being too cynical. Remember kids – every child can be a star. Although if you’re a girl and you want to be a football star do bear in mind you will need to double up and star as a gym teacher or temp three days a week because there’s no professional league for women in the UK.
Now on to education
A survey this week suggests almost half of the colleges on the government’s approved lists are fakes. The fakes include Exeter, Cambridge and Hogwarts. Only joking, Hogwarts is real kids. No – it’s actually mostly English language schools that are turning out to be fakes. Coverage seems to be focussed on fake degrees being handed out and people getting student visas while being enrolled in these colleges. Personally I am more concerned about the other side – I know several people who came to the UK to study English or other subjects only to discover that the school they were enrolled in was essentially a front. Teachers of English turned out to barely speak it themselves. Of course these people are unable to complain about their schools because they don’t want to lose their own student visa. No joke there, I was just thinking if we had a reasonable immigration policy these people would long since have reported their own colleges and demanded that they get a proper education. But as long as they have the deportation sword of Damocles hanging over them, don’t be surprised if they become easy prey for con artists.
One of the colleges currently on the approved list has a website whose content is predominantly advertising for services such as online gambling. However a spokesperson for Texas Hold’Em School of Fine Art denied anything dodgy was going on.
The Daily Mail
The Mail today runs with the front page headline MADDIE’S PARENTS PLAN £2M FILM DEAL. And I was rather hoping in a few months time to read about how Hollywood test audiences didn’t like the ending and a new one was being filmed in which Madeleine comes back at Christmas, sings a few show tunes and then enrols at Hogwarts. However one quick click onto the McCann’s website reveals they have no plans to make a film. Strange how the tabloids are so full of themselves that they’re helping to find Maddie but they can’t even find a simple website about her.
US Primaries
The Mail also managed to cover the New Hampshire primary in the US in which Hillary Clinton and John McCain received boosts to their respective campaigns for the Democratic and Republican nominations to run for the presidency. The Mail’s coverage described Barack Obama’s father as “a Kenyan goat-herder”, which a probably not the way the man himself would choose to be described given that he has a PhD from Harvard. Says a lot more about the Daily Mail than about the Obama family.
UK Politics
Dr Evan Harris the best politician in the country – hey everyone my podcast, my opinions!! – has sponsored a bill in parliament which would abolish the blasphemy laws. There’s pretty widespread support for the move so if you want to get some illegal blaspheming in – do it now. God is a bastard who fiddles with children. Thank you.
The law is considered discriminatory by many since it only covers Christian and Church of England beliefs. However the government announced it would be meeting with representatives of the Anglican community to discuss the bill and thus prove that religious privilege is alive and well regardless of the law.
Education
It was revealed that one in four adults in the UK have not read a book for a year, including half of young men. Apparently part of the problem is that few modern literary masterpieces feature scratch and sniff pull-out of Abi Titmuss. Gordon Brown said “Reading is probably one of the best anti-poverty, anti-deprivation, anti-crime, anti-vandalism policies you can think of.” Oh I don’t know Gordon – here are some others: Being born to rich middle-class parents, being put in a special super-fast stream at your school and then getting a PhD from the University of Edinburgh. That might help too.
Health
New research suggests Britain has the worst food in Europe and that this contributes to 70,000 deaths every year. So – calculators ready – in the last five years 350,000 people have been killed by our shit food. In the same period 52 people have died because of terrorism in this country. So next time they tell you you’ve got to give up your civil liberties to help fight terrorism, ask whether they’re doing anything about the salt levels in Kellogg’s All Bran first...
And finally
A rare bird called the white-crowned sparrow has been spotted by fanatical bird-watchers in Norfolk. The bird is a native of North American and will soon be transferred to Yarl’s Wood detention centre ready for deportation by the Home Office.
1 comment:
"As an experiment I propose we get every player in the league to drink, smoke, take drugs, gamble and gang-rape an underage woman."
Then it would be called American football.
"Gordon Brown said “Reading is probably one of the best anti-poverty, anti-deprivation, anti-crime, anti-vandalism policies you can think of.”"
That confuses correlation with causation.
"New research suggests Britain has the worst food in Europe and that this contributes to 70,000 deaths every year. So – calculators ready – in the last five years 350,000 people have been killed by our shit food."
The same problem exists in the US. One reason obesity rates (and heart disease and diabetes) are so high in much of the US is that healthy foods like fresh fruits and vegetables and fish are expensive, while fast food is very cheap. Poor families often feed their children McDonalds and Pizza Hut and other such trash since it's cheaper and easier than cooking a healthy meal from fresh ingredients. Maybe US farm policies should change to encourage production of fruits and vegetables and make them more affordable instead of massively subsidizing soybeans (which are fed to cows and chickens to make cheap meat) and corn (which is processed into corn syrup and used to make cheap junk food).
"And finally A rare bird called the white-crowned sparrow has been spotted by fanatical bird-watchers in Norfolk. The bird is a native of North American and will soon be transferred to Yarl’s Wood detention centre ready for deportation by the Home Office."
It won't be deported - it's white!
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