Sun, Sea and Sex Crimes

Well I was away over the weekend doing a couple of gigs in Tenerife (yeah I know, tough life, but ex-pats deserve to be entertained too!). The highlight for me was the opportunity to bag a boat-trip from Puerta Colon and go out and watch pilot whales basking in the sun just a few metres away from me. The lowlight was at the show on Sunday night...

The compere's onstage, doing well, asks a guy at the front what he does for a living. He says "rapist". Now honestly I'm not that phased by this. People get nervous when a comedian speaks to them from the stage and it's not uncommon for them to wrongly think that saying something outrageous or unbelievable might be the best way to avoid embarrassment. [Hint: in general it's not - you're much better off to just tell the truth. Or if you really don't want to get picked on - say you work for a children's hospital charity, most comics don't want to make jokes about terminally ill children.] Anyway I figure he is trying (and failing) to impress his mates although I notice when the compere repeats it, he does a "power salute" to another guy in the room who returns it - I assume this is his "mate" who thinks his answer is "hilarious". The compere makes a joke along the lines of - that's not a job, you can't do that for a living... The show continues and I'm the first act on.

I tell this guy it is really weird that he seemed "proud" about the rapist remark. I say most guys would want to play that down. I say in fact even most rapists wouldn't really want to draw attention to it. And I make a joke suggesting the women at his table might want to move elsewhere. Then I figure he's been made an example of enough for saying something stupid and inappropriate in a bit of a panic. I get on with my set. Later he reveals he's Scottish and I refer to him as the McRapist. I finish my set, get a beer and go to sit at the back of the show and watch the next act. During the second act the guy comes up to me at the back of the room and grabs my hand to shake it. I'm expecting him to apologise or (people do this a lot) say "Ah, you got me, you did well" (to which "no, I got you, and it was incredibly easy, if I'd done well you'd be crying..."). Instead while still holding my hand firmly he looks me right in the eye and says "It's all true - I was convicted and all".

He is definitely not joking.

And he walks off.

And I can't really scream because it's the middle of the show and another act is performing and that would be incredibly unprofessional of me (though in retrospect I think unprofessionalism might have been more than justified at that point).

I find myself sitting there looking at my hand where he's just been touching me. I go in the kitchen and wash it several times. Eeeeew.

Now I understand the policy of once people have been convicted and (one hopes) served their time, needing to rehabilitate them into society. And given how low the conviction rate for rape is there's no doubt I've shaken hands with unconvicted rapists many times. But what the hell is going on when this guy is overtly publicly proud of having committed rape? Ick ick ick.

Cru in the Mail

I'm quoted today in the Daily Mail. And they actually reproduced the full quote I gave them without twisting it or mis-representing it. Ten points. The article is here.

I HATE Boris

I used to hate Boris on an intellectual level - I thought his policies were dreadful but they didn't affect me so much personally. Today that changed.

I made the mistake of leaving home without my Oyster Card. Do you know you can no longer get a one-day bus pass without an Oyster Card? So I paid £2 out and £2 back AND if I go out again later I'll still have to pay again. It also means the at-stop ticket sales machines now only offer one of the four options they used to sell (since you can also no longer get a young person's rate without an Oyster card) which is a real waste of technology. It means people from out of town, people who forget their card and people who don't understand the system could end up spending £10 or £12 just getting around town on the buses for the day.

Recently there has been criticism of low-cost airlines who then charge a huge fee for "booking with a credit or debit card" - their argument being that if there is a way of not paying the fee - however arduous or obscure - then can claim the fare without the fee as the quoted fare. Then of course they charge you for having luggage, choosing a seat, etc. It's a scam. What Boris is doing on the buses is the same thing - unless you apply for and allow time to receive an Oyster card and don't lose it, have it stolen or forget it - travelling around London by bus becomes ridiculously expensive. The fares with an Oyster card have also gone up.

And I'm totally cornered. I won't drive for obvious reasons. I'm not to be trusted on a bike (and it exacerbates my Raynaud's to ride everywhere). So my only other choice is to walk. Realistically I won't do that every day, I'll not have time. I may well end up getting more cabs though since the price differential is less and less these days.

I see this as a warning of what will happen under a tory government. Really - he has fixed the full underground and all systems passes - the most expensive ones - and he's trying to screw more money out of those who try to save and use the buses.

All In The Family

I am not usually one for discussing my family on here - I am not very close to very many of them - mostly for reasons I have discussed at length. That said I thought I would share this article which has just came out about my Great-Uncle Tony and Great-Aunt Doreen. I can claim no credit since I have yet to meet either of them but I have been chatting to Doreen on Facebook recently, who sent me the link to the piece. If nothing else it should inspire you to get up and out and enjoy the rest of the afternoon!

What Were We Expecting?

Very interesting article on Alternet about the parrallels between the octuplet-mum in the news recently and Angelina Jolie. Caught my eye because I'm currently on my hols in China and observing the one child policy in action. Aside from the use of resources issue* I have to say the one-child family does seem kind of peaceful. There is none of the focussing on one child to turn round and realise the other one has just broken some valuable porcelain and with two parents (assuming both are involved parents) both focussed on one child seems that the child soon realises it doesn't have to scream to get a bit of attention. I think in the past - gatherer/hunters time - women would most likely have had their children spaced out, the career-focussed trend for having two or three in quick succession seems to have obvious flaws. A modern solution is to just have one I think. Of course there are issues with running such a policy in a place where girls are widely not wanted. But then there's a straight-up problem with any place where girls are not wanted anyway. I'm up for a global programme of one-child incentives, there are too many people - especially on the Great Wall today, I could hardly move!

*And yes I know the smell of my carbon footprint coming out here to China is a resources issue in itself. In my defence I had work in Hong Kong last week. I got the train up to Beijing from there. Also in my defence I am, like Angelina Jolie and Nadya Suleman "33 years old, having been born in 1975", and I have NO children farting out greenhouse gases...

Comedy 1 - Virgin Trains 0

My friend and fellow comedian Tom Wrigglesworth turned have-a-go (sort of) hero to help an elderly woman on the receiving end of some unsurprising poor treatment on Virgin Trains. Nice to read something cheering for a change...

The End of the Line

On Wednesday night I compered a charity gig in Ipswich. Mr Cru was on the bill too and lots of friends of ours so we were really looking forward to it. Having originally planned to get a lift to the gig, we then heard that this was actually going to be awkward and necessitate another car being brought along just for our benefit. Thinking of the environment as well as the inconvenience we quickly volunteered to get the train to Ipswich and catch the others up there. Got to Liverpool Street Station and headed for the ticket office. Two returns to Ipswich? £116.

Yes fifty-eight pounds EACH! This is a less-than-an-hour journey. Lots of people commute this route. Now of course if you book years in advance and make the journey regularly you can pay much less than that but I don't have the kind of job where I am going to make the same journey very often and nor do I always know miles in advance wherer I am going. And anyway what is the point of having a £58 fare unless you actually intend to charge people £58 for a return train journey London to Ipswich? In the past when I've made that journey it's never been more than £25 return. And the single fare was £55.

It would, of course be cheaper for the two of us to rent a car and drive to Ipswich. In the end we took a £14 return to Cambridge and got a lift across with another act from Cambridge. And Cambridge is actually a longer train journey from Liv St Station.

Every time I open the papers I see people complaining that Gordon Brown should do something about the cost of driving and then do something about climate change. Am I the only one who can see one simple way of dealing with both problems? Caps on train fares! What is the point of privatising the railways and then allowing them to rip the general public off all the time?

Might I Be Paranoid?

It's easy to think you're paranoid. But that doesn't mean everyone's not against you. So three things I noticed.

Firstly I was on the bus going to do a lovely show at ASK pizzeria in Reigate and when the bus pulled up, he pulled up right at the other end of the stop to where I was stood, even though I was the only one at the stop. The driver looked at me in a sort of a horrid way as I got on and I thought "he hates women". Then I thought, don't be stupid he's probably just having a slow day. Then half way down Shoreditch High Street he pulls the bus over where a young attractive woman is sitting on a fence NOT AT A BUS STOP and not indicating she wants to get on the bus and says "alright darling, you not getting on?" in a creepy creepy way. She says "no" and he closes the door and drives on?!! And I think maybe my instincts are actually pretty good.

Secondly I see a London black cab driver is in court answering to 40 cases of attempting to drug and rape women in London. And this comes after all those really angry-making adverts "warning" women not to get into unlicensed minicabs, but to hold out for a proper black cab. One of the victims who was drugged but escaped before being assaulted said she didn't go to the police initially because she didn't think it was a big thing. Where are the poster campaigns saying "Women, Think You Might Have Been Drugged? Come Forward Immediately And Help Us Keep Other Women Safe From Rapist Bastards"?? Met not bothering to put those ones up?

Thirdly this article. A restaurant "accidentally" put the phrase "Suck My Dick Fuck Face" on to a restaurant bill for a table of ten young women. Their defense? It was only meant for kitchen staff to see and shouldn't have been on the bill. The restaurant has apologised, given the money to charity and offered the women a free meal. Would you back to a restaurant that thought it was perfectly ok for staff to jokingly write "Suck My Dick Fuck Face" on your bill as long as only the kitchen staff saw it?

One fucked up world this one...

What Happens In Vegas...

...Stays In Vegas. Or so the slogan(?) goes. Personally I've always found that a bit creepy. I mean who exactly are we keeping the details of our Vegas holiday a secret from and why do we need to? Maybe there are some people for whom it means not telling your parents about gambling but when I read that phrase all I can think is that it means not telling your wife or partner about your visit to a sex worker/strip club* or your affair with another woman (or arguably as a woman, your affair with another man). That's not the kind of secret I'm really comfortable with. I have no problem with people who have multiple partners but I think honesty in relationships is a minimum requirement. What if the slogan was "COME TO VEGAS AND CHEAT ON YOUR PARTNER!".

Anyway there is a great article about the trouble with Vegas over on Alternet. Have a read.

*And if anyone thinks it's unfair of me to group sex workers and strip clubs together - I would point out the evidence from YouPorn and PornTube that suggests plenty of strip clubs are effectively offering sexual services. The line is VERY blurred. Furthermore for all the insistence by those making official statements about Vegas strip club policies, the mayor himself has been going on about how good it would be to open a load of brothels. So it hardly seems likely that the existing policy is heavily enforced...

Something for Free

Ricky Gervais is apparently charging £37.50 for tickets to his Edinburgh show. Some people think this is too much. If you're one of them try this for price-range instead: FREE! Absolutely free. Sing-Along-A-The-Joy-Of-Sex, 7.20 pm nightly (not Sundays) at the Mercat Bar (Venue 282 in the guide). Third show today went really well - some of the audience told us they're going to come again! And the barman said we were the best show in the venue (sorry everyone else at the Mercat!).

Sunny, Sexy Edinburgh

Mr Cru and I are now settled in Edinburgh for the duration of the festival. This is what we will be doing for the next month...

1) Performing our musical comedy show Sing-Along-A-The-Joy-Of-Sex daily (4th - 25th, not 12th or 19th) at 7.20pm at The Mercat Bar, (Venue 282) FREE!

2) Sketches and improv as part of FREE Comedy Cocktail at Hillside, daily 2.15pm (4th - 19th, not 8th or 15th)

3) I'll be performing my latest solo show Apes Like Me at The Outhouse - one show only 5.15pm on 10th.

4) I'll be compering The F-Show - the FREE fringe late night show 11pm Sun - Weds at the Mercat Bar.

5) I'll be compering the Studio tent at The Meadows on Fringe Sunday (12th) from 11am - 2pm.

6) Loads more!

Let me know if you're in town and you'll be welcome to come and see us all day every day.

Phew!

Mr Cru and I had a pretty amazing weekend away. We've been in Lapland - northern Sweden Husky Mushing, Cross-country Skiing, Snowmobiling, Reindeer Sledding, Fishing through a hole in the ice, meeting the locals, eating a lot of reindeer and moose and staying in the Ice Hotel at -5 deg! I'll probably put the photos into a seperate blog when I get them but suffice as to say I am physically shattered but emotionally still on a high today. This was the tour we did, expensive but highly recommended.

The Glamourous Life I Lead...

For those of you who've been wondering why things have been a bit quiet over on Cru-blog lately - I've been away for Christmas and New Year. Myself and Mr Cru (that's his blog) went to spend xmas with his parents - Mr Cru's mum also has a blog for those interested in collecting the set - in Los Angeles. We then headed off to New York and Washington DC to catch up with friends, then had a few days back in L.A. and back to sunny Hackney. Top highlights included:

1) Whale watching off Long Beach in L.A. Spotted three Grey Whales and a Fin Whale (the second largest, about 10 foot shorter than a Blue Whale).

2) Attending a comedy writing seminar where we heard from Michael Arndt (the guy who wrote Little Miss Sunshine).

3) Playing the uber-tourist around Washington DC (I've never been before) getting my piccie taken outside the White House, seat of all evil-ness (well, most of it, see other posts).

4) Friends, friends, friends, really nice to see everyone on the way round.

5) More Friends - the obligatory celebrity spot - saw Jennifer Aniston a few tables down from us at Mozza pizza restaurant in L.A. - I resisted the urge to shout "Look it's that woman, you know the one who got dumped!"