News Podcast 9th Jan

Here's today's podcast:

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(As usual extra material by Mr Cru AKA David Mulholland)

Text:

And we start today for a change with a bit of sport

A number of football players have started celebrating goals by making an “A” sign with three fingers. The gesture, it was revealed, is part of an initiative called A-Star which has the motto “every child is a star”. Players making the gesture include Titus Brambles and Marcus Bent of Wigan Athletic because every child wants to be as big a star as someone who plays for Wigan. No-one knows yet if the Norwich team are participating in the movement since the gesture is only made when goals are scored.

The other thing no-one really knows is the impact of football-player led campaigns like this. As an experiment I propose we get every player in the league to drink, smoke, take drugs, gamble and gang-rape an underage woman. Oh sorry I’m just hearing – apparently that did happen last season. Think about it this way though. Titus Bramble, Wigan defender, makes the A sign. George Best – widely acclaimed as the greatest player of all time drank too much and beat his wife. If I was an 8-year-old right now I’d be leaving the A-Star club and focussing on drinking a lot of Stella.

Maybe I’m being too cynical. Remember kids – every child can be a star. Although if you’re a girl and you want to be a football star do bear in mind you will need to double up and star as a gym teacher or temp three days a week because there’s no professional league for women in the UK.

Now on to education

A survey this week suggests almost half of the colleges on the government’s approved lists are fakes. The fakes include Exeter, Cambridge and Hogwarts. Only joking, Hogwarts is real kids. No – it’s actually mostly English language schools that are turning out to be fakes. Coverage seems to be focussed on fake degrees being handed out and people getting student visas while being enrolled in these colleges. Personally I am more concerned about the other side – I know several people who came to the UK to study English or other subjects only to discover that the school they were enrolled in was essentially a front. Teachers of English turned out to barely speak it themselves. Of course these people are unable to complain about their schools because they don’t want to lose their own student visa. No joke there, I was just thinking if we had a reasonable immigration policy these people would long since have reported their own colleges and demanded that they get a proper education. But as long as they have the deportation sword of Damocles hanging over them, don’t be surprised if they become easy prey for con artists.

One of the colleges currently on the approved list has a website whose content is predominantly advertising for services such as online gambling. However a spokesperson for Texas Hold’Em School of Fine Art denied anything dodgy was going on.

The Daily Mail

The Mail today runs with the front page headline MADDIE’S PARENTS PLAN £2M FILM DEAL. And I was rather hoping in a few months time to read about how Hollywood test audiences didn’t like the ending and a new one was being filmed in which Madeleine comes back at Christmas, sings a few show tunes and then enrols at Hogwarts. However one quick click onto the McCann’s website reveals they have no plans to make a film. Strange how the tabloids are so full of themselves that they’re helping to find Maddie but they can’t even find a simple website about her.

US Primaries

The Mail also managed to cover the New Hampshire primary in the US in which Hillary Clinton and John McCain received boosts to their respective campaigns for the Democratic and Republican nominations to run for the presidency. The Mail’s coverage described Barack Obama’s father as “a Kenyan goat-herder”, which a probably not the way the man himself would choose to be described given that he has a PhD from Harvard. Says a lot more about the Daily Mail than about the Obama family.

UK Politics

Dr Evan Harris the best politician in the country – hey everyone my podcast, my opinions!! – has sponsored a bill in parliament which would abolish the blasphemy laws. There’s pretty widespread support for the move so if you want to get some illegal blaspheming in – do it now. God is a bastard who fiddles with children. Thank you.

The law is considered discriminatory by many since it only covers Christian and Church of England beliefs. However the government announced it would be meeting with representatives of the Anglican community to discuss the bill and thus prove that religious privilege is alive and well regardless of the law.

Education

It was revealed that one in four adults in the UK have not read a book for a year, including half of young men. Apparently part of the problem is that few modern literary masterpieces feature scratch and sniff pull-out of Abi Titmuss. Gordon Brown said “Reading is probably one of the best anti-poverty, anti-deprivation, anti-crime, anti-vandalism policies you can think of.” Oh I don’t know Gordon – here are some others: Being born to rich middle-class parents, being put in a special super-fast stream at your school and then getting a PhD from the University of Edinburgh. That might help too.

Health

New research suggests Britain has the worst food in Europe and that this contributes to 70,000 deaths every year. So – calculators ready – in the last five years 350,000 people have been killed by our shit food. In the same period 52 people have died because of terrorism in this country. So next time they tell you you’ve got to give up your civil liberties to help fight terrorism, ask whether they’re doing anything about the salt levels in Kellogg’s All Bran first...

And finally

A rare bird called the white-crowned sparrow has been spotted by fanatical bird-watchers in Norfolk. The bird is a native of North American and will soon be transferred to Yarl’s Wood detention centre ready for deportation by the Home Office.

News Podcast 8th Jan

Extra material (especially any controversial bits) by Mr Cru.

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Text:
International News
And no big thing but well it turns out that Iran and the US sort-of nearly started a little bit of a war. Luckily for, well, the future of humanity, it all boiled down again, hopefully in the form of Egypt jumping in the middle and shouting “leave it George, he’s not worth it” or possibly “we’ve all had a drink now, oh no, not you Ahmedinejad”. Anyway don’t have trouble sleeping, it was nothing really, just nearly the apocalyptic world war Hollywood has been warning us about all these years, but it’s off now, a misunderstanding, nothing, shhh!
Technology
Panasonic has unveiled the world’s biggest plasma TV. The new device measures 6 foot by 150 inches. At the press launch the screen was showing a sumo wrestling match – perfect if what you want for Christmas is two larger than life obese angry wrestlers in your living room. Personally if I had one I’d rather use it to watch majestic wildlife documentaries – sweeping vistas of the last true wildernesses on the planet – except of course that at 3,000 watts to power the thing, each time I switched on there’d be less and less wilderness left. And you’d have to hope it came with extra-powerful speakers to play the cries of the drowning polar bears.
Health
Gordon Brown has hit back at criticism of his plans for the NHS. He said he wanted a “personal and preventive” service – which is a phrase I think he copied off the back of one of the packets of free condoms he got on his last visit. He also said he wanted to push ahead with plans to issue people vouchers to the value of their “personal health budgets”. So presumably if you’ve been in an accident you can choose whether to have your head sewn back on or some therapy to talk through the issues of headless living. Surely your personal health budget should be – whatever you need until you’re better. Mr Brown is also proposing more screening programmes to identify those at risk of heart attack, stroke and cancer, this comes less than two weeks after he announced a reduction in resources to fight those very conditions. Presumably the plan is then to encourage those most at risk to move elsewhere in Europe or maybe Cuba before their condition develops.
US
Kenny Richey – the Scottish man who has spent 20 years on death row in Ohio, has been freed. He was originally scheduled for release last month but that was delayed after he became ill. So they kept him in prison because he was ill. Nice. His lawyer said Richey has been effectively cleared of murder and arson and that “the prosecutors are [now] charging him with essentially failing to baby-sit”. Blimey, let’s hope the couple from down the road from where I lived as a teenager don’t read that, I would be convicted in a heartbeat of nothing short of GROSS failure to baby-sit. Free the Smurthwaite one!
Back in the UK
The Home Office is deporting a man who has lived in the UK since he was 4 years old for breaking the terms of his ASBO. The 20-year-old has been sent to the Philippines where he knows no-one. The only language he can speak aside from English is Welsh, not a major tongue in the Philippines – on indeed even in most of Wales. A spokesman for the Home Office said “foreign nationals are expected to obey the laws of this country in the same way as everybody else” except of course that everybody else doesn’t get deported to the Philippines for staying out late after bedtime.
Politics
David Cameron has said he thinks the long-term unemployed should be forced to do community work if they are to continue to claim benefits. Work and pensions secretary Peter Hains said the proposals to have people WORK FOR FREE would be “hugely costly”. David Cameron denied that these proposals made his party “the nasty party”. And I agree, the conservatives are definitely positively not THE NASTY party in the UK. Far from it, they’re one of THE MANY NASTY PARTIES in the UK.

Podcast 7th Jan

Today's podcast is now out!




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Additional material by Mr Cru AKA David Mulholland.

Text:

We start with a brief comment on celebrity news:

Blimey some people will do anything to get out of babysitting won’t they?

Now UK politics

And over the weekend David Cameron put forward plans to dramatically cut incapacity benefits. Apparently people with no legs will only get half. He also says new claimants should have to undergo an in-depth assessment before being able to claim, which I must admit confused me because what do they do at the moment? Tap dance into the DSS? Gordon Brown responded saying he’d already proposed everything Cameron had mentioned. Nick Clegg for the Lib Dems weighed in saying he preferred a middle ground between the two positions. Ah the joy of democracy!

In the energy sector

Chancellor Alistair Darling has called a meeting with energy regulators to explain price rises. I could do that for him: “Well, blondy, since they’ve all been privatised it’s now their JOB to rip customers off as much as possible so they can increase profit to shareholders. Also we all love a good bribe and a good bonus don’t we?”

In health

A report says many cosmetic surgery clinics are using aggressive marketing tactics to pressure potential customers into having surgery. Doctors greet patients with “hello fatty, don’t get many of you to the pound do you? do you want to come round the back through the double doors? oh my god, nurse will you come in here and look at the nose on that? What a honker, do you want it sorted out or do you want to borrow my garden shears to trim your nasal hair?”. One of their tactics apparently is to offer a discount if patients have surgery straight away. Look here’s my advice - if there’s one think you don’t want done quickly and cheaply – it’s your face cut up and rearranged with a sharp knife.

The Daily Express today

Leads on page one with a giant headline about how some areas of the UK are apparently no-go zones for non-Muslims and I have to be honest, when I bought the Daily Express at my local newsagent in Dalston I did feel kindof embarrassed.

Inside they are furious about the news that the government has let foreign university students overstay their visas. This move is really unfair on Express-reading chavs. One was quoted as saying “it ain’t right like all them smart clever proper like fancy English speaking well educated sorts hanging round over here nicking all the good jobs off joyriding scum like us. Next fing ya know they’ll be ‘andin out proper customer service and doing a good bloody job, it’s wrong it is, shouldn’t be allowed”.

In the US

George Bush is beginning a tour of the middle east which some commentors suggest he will see as an opportunity to undo the damage he’s done so far in his presidency and leave a positive legacy. Other commentors who have less faith in the divine power of miracles are just hoping he doesn’t punch King Abdullah in the face, then choke on a pretzel and steer Air Force one into a west bank primary school.

Over to China

And Lost In Beijing, a film about a rape in a massage parlour has been banned. Apparently the authorities had already insisted on censoring the film to remove scenes showing dirty streets, but then two months later they decided that as well as the nasty litter and graffiti in the background they also had an issue with the WHOLE PLOT being about a gruesome rape.

And finally

A museum of laziness has opened in Bogota, Colombia. To mark the occasion ... well I think I’ll stop there and go and have a cup of tea.

Faithful Assertion

This is strange. The government is offering assertiveness training to Muslim women, hoping they'll be encouraged to get more involved in local politics, etc. Now at first glance, getting people involved in politics should be a good thing. But don't they realise that a great deal of Muslim culture is set up to punish and ostracise women who assert themselves? How are they going to react when these women end up on the streets, or victims of honour killings?

Seems to me that these women are already being pushed around by the men in their own families and religious leaders, why should we add to that by pushing them in to local politics? And if we were successful and got these women into local politics, would they represent their own interests or those of the men who tell them what to do in every other aspect of life? Then we can say that women have a share of the power but still do 100% what men want...

All that said it might, might do a teeny bit of good if some of these women get enough distance to realise how abusive their families and religious leaders are being and are able to do something about it without endangering themselves. But I think at best it's a pretty long shot.

Vote Cru (again)

Self-promotion day again. If you like the blog here please let the judges at the Bloggies know, you could nominate me in any number of categories, I'll assume you're all smart enough to work it out for yourselves.

A Family Affair

This is a strange issue. J.D. Wetherspoons has announced that it's pubs will serve no more than two drinks to parents who dine in their pubs with their children. And it won't serve families with children (under 14) who don't dine.

Now I actually think that's just silly - I think we have it all wrong in Britain with the pub culture in which children are never seen. It really hurts the children who are seen as a burden because they restrict where their parents can go. You never see cafe's in France which bar children. Parents and children alike enjoy sitting around and chatting or playing games, sometimes eating and sometimes just having a drink - alcoholic or otherwise.

More to the point though - have these decision-makers BEEN to a Wetherspoon's pub (for the benefit of overseas readers a selection of their best-looking clientèle is pictured)? I think we should have a national-level law barring Wetherspoon's customers from reproducing. Could they put contraceptives in the cheap alcopops? Failing that we should DEFINITELY have a national-level law banning all parents from allowing their children to eat the re-heated processed pap that passes for "food" in these places.

News Podcast 4th Jan

Hooray - I did get up in time to do one before I went out!

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And on the request of a few people here is the text for those of you not shrewd enough to take a pair of earphones to work with you!!

UK Health

Want to take the day off work? The Health Protection Agency or HPA has done the biggest favour it can to those feeling hungover and not in the mood for going to work this week by announcing the spread of Norovirus – or Winter Vomitting Disease. Symptoms include vomiting and it being winter and medical advice is DON’T go to the doctors or the hospital to get a sick note ‘cause you’ll only spread it to others. Stay in bed, take a paracetamol and don’t go back to work until you’ve been feeling OK for two whole days – which for some people might be mid-february. The HPA says more than 100,000 people a week are coming down with the virus. Amazingly those affected are almost exclusively heavy drinkers stuck in jobs they hate working for right tossers.

Iowa Caucuses

The winners in the US yesterday were Barack Obama for the Democrats and Mike Huckabee for the Republicans. I made a brief joke yesterday about Obama being a bit young. Ha ha, very funny. Now lets talk about Mike Huckabee ...

In 1992 he suggested the US should “Treat AIDS as [a] plague to be isolated”, modern stuff, perhaps he would advocate AIDS pits or colonies or making sufferers ring a little bell wherever they go.

He describes himself as Pro-Life and Pro-Death Penalty.

He said he believes the Kyoto treaty was a mistake.

He says we shouldn’t limit oil production.

America should answer to it’s own constitution, not international law.

Compared genocide in Darfur to, as he calls it, infanticide of the unborn – or abortion.

More recently he said “People [are] naturally selfish; only God or punishment prevent it.”, weird when two of the biggest philanthropists in the US are atheists Warren Buffet and George Soros. Also there’s this bloke in the UK who’s an atheist too called Bob Geldof.

In Jan last year summed it up once and for all for me when he said “more bible, less blogs”.

I say once and for all – actually there was something he said very recently that I think was even more stupid. He suggested America should (direct quote) “Go after al Qaeda's safe havens in Pakistan.”. Feeling safe and comfortable now? Want to raise your kids in a world where America’s at war with Pakistan? Hmm ... better use a condom then. Although of course that’s going to be harder than you think since just for good measure Huckers favours abstinence only sex education in schools.

UK Politics

The government has been criticised for the way Home Information Packs were introduced. HIPs as they were called by people who clearly don’t know the first thing about what HIP means, were apparently delayed due to public opposition. Cause that’s awful – the government doing what the public wants – we’re not French you know!

HIPs which run up to 100 pages long are supposed to encourage energy efficiency and help to reduce carbon emissions. Probably the best way to do that would be to recycle it. The Royal Institute of Chartered Surveyors brought a legal action against the contents of the HIPs, which as a result may have to be phased out in favour of a new package hopefully to be called the HIP replacement.

Clearly the government has been caught on the HIP hop. OK that’s enough HIP puns, I feel a bit dizzy now.

China

Here the BBC has the rather brilliant headline “China to expand lethal injections” which seems a little odd – you would think as long as the dose was lethal increasing it would be a waste of time. In fact they are spreading it as an alternative to shooting people in the back of the head. They say it is “more humane” but surely just NOT KILLING PEOPLE would be top of the old humane pops.

Confusingly in the US two death row inmates are bringing a case against the lethal injection because they say it is inhumane. Now to explain – the injection causes paralysis followed by possibly very painful death, undetectable to onlookers because of the paralysis. Yuck. And people moan about the Chinese eating the odd little fluffy puppy!

Amnesty Intl says the Chinese authorities kill at least 1000 people a year with injections – making Harold Shipman look like a rank amateur. Crimes that carry the death penalty include tax fraud and embezzlement. Imagine that – executing Jeffrey Archer. Mmmm. Now stop touching yourself.

Facebook

Two fake profiles of Benazir Bhutto’s son Bilawal have been removed from Facebook. Administrators realised the profiles were fake when they failed to respond to a FunWall post reading “Forward this to all your friends or a puppy will feel sad”. In recent activity the profiles had poked president Musharraf and thrown a custard pie at Sonia Gandhi.

Facebook officials said they didn’t know who had posted the profiles but they did know where they bought their Christmas presents and the ages of their children. A spokeswoman – quite genuinely – said that while people could be barred from Facebook there was nothing to stop them posting under a different name. Luckily no international criminal mastermind has ever thought of the old false name ruse so we’re all safe.

As usual: extra material by Mr Cru.

Just The Medicine

Great article on Alternet today about the US health system - pointing out what a terrible idea it is to let pharmaceutical companies advertise on TV in the US. The numbers they don't include - and I don't remember but I know they're in the film Sicko are how the US spends a great deal more per head on healthcare than many countries who have universal healthcare. Taking adverts off TV (and other mediums) would surely help scale back the numbers of people dosing up on things they really don't need and actually making themselves worse by stacking their system with needless drugs.

Fortunately so far in the UK we don't have adverts for prescription drugs - we do have adverts for painkillers and off-the-shelf or over-the-counter drugs. I think even these should be taken off - people shouldn't be telling their pharmacist what they want, years ago you went to the chemists and asked what they had for your condition, these days people go in with a brand name in mind.

Ask The Sexperts!

I only just found this piece by "sex expert" (as you like, I'm not bad myself) Dr Pam Spurr - it's a couple of months old. The feature in The Times claims that feminism "is killing sex" and - in their own words - that career women are risking their relationships by saying "no". Hmmm.

Now to start totally the wrong way about I should point out that her concluding paragraph I (almost) wholeheartedly agree with:

"Never be bullied into sexual activity that turns you off or be pressured into sex that doesn’t satisfy you. But always be prepared to discuss your feelings and desires and listen to his. Hopefully, that will improve your sex life and help to strengthen your relationship in other ways, too."

I just don't get why it's listen to HIS feelings and desires. Doesn't she mean YOUR PARTNER'S or is Dr Spurr's advice only for women?

Well evidently the article is about women and what we're doing wrong. Here are some choice extracts:

"With increasing frequency, women in their twenties, thirties and forties take a pragmatic, postfeminist view that sex is something over which they have no need to negotiate."

Surely negotiating is a pretty odd way of sorting out what you do in bed. How about doing all the things that both you and your partner enjoy and want to do. Negotiation implies some sort of compromise - doing things you don't really want to.

" When [case study woman] found that the stress of their differences diminished her sex drive, she felt completely justified in suggesting separate bedrooms. As she recounted to me – with bitter regret, after their divorce – sex had been the last thing on her mind. Her biggest mistake was not considering what was on his mind."

Weird - has anyone else on here ever moved into separate bedrooms from their partner without thinking this might have some impact on their sex life?

"too many women see the sexual side of their lives as something to be claimed completely and utterly as their own"

Yes, it is. Who the hell else "claims" my sex life?

"At the risk of being called ... antifeminist, I’d go so far as to say that for both partners sex could be considered a duty, if it is something that one partner knows would make the other happy."

Personally I think I would rather eat my own vomit than have sex with someone who was doing it out of duty. Also having sex out of a sense of duty when you don't really want to is more or less guaranteed to put you off wanting it again.

"Does he really want to go up on the roof to repair a leak on a Sunday afternoon? Does she really want to take out the rubbish in the pouring rain? No, but partners in relationships do such things because they know that it makes the other happy. Sex should be seen in the same light."

Sex should be seen in the same light as taking out the rubbish or repairing a leaky roof? How bad is your sex life Dr Spurr? And no they're not comparable because sex is an act of intimacy so it makes no sense to do it unless both partners actively want to.

"Why should the sexual area of a relationship be ringed by an emotional fence that makes it a no-go zone for discussion, while other areas are discussed openly, argued over and resolved?"

This Dr Spurr is only true in your world, everyone else I know talks about sex.

"I have spoken to a fair few thirty-something women who settle down with a “decent chap” knowing that he’ll make a good father. On producing babies, though, many such men find themselves left out in the cold when they still desire the sexual warmth that they initially enjoyed. "

Here's some advice for men feeling sexually frustrated after their wife has had a baby: put some more hours into taking care of the child, make sure your wife gets at least some good night's sleep and maybe she'll feel up to it again. Don't for crying out loud suggest it's her "duty" to put out after two days in labour and two hours sleep.

"[If you don't have much sex with your man] You may find ... that he will seek sexual satisfaction without you. I certainly don’t justify infidelity but I can often understand why it happens. In contrast, when a woman’s sexual needs are denied, Heaven help the man responsible."

So Dr Spurr can sort-of understand why men not getting much sex would go and have affairs but considers it outrageous for women in the same situation to complain about it. Remind me next time I'm seeking a relationship counselor not to call her.

"In other cases I have found an even more disturbing attitude: that it’s fine to use occasional sex in a cold-hearted and calculated way as a favour or bartering tool for jobs well done by the man."

So we should be negotiating about sex, and it is the same as household chores but we shouldn't be negotiating household chores in exchange for sex. Keep your story straight please!

And as if the story itself wasn't bad enough there are comments after it...

"All women treat sex as a weapon. Lower testosterone, lower needs. But they have the power to choose, something we men do not have. And so they use us. Over, and over, and over, and over...

Gerbil, Los Angeles, U.S.A."

Hmm... Gerbil (fitting rodent-based name by the way) if you don't have the power to choose whether or not you have sex, you should hand yourself as a potential sex offender.

And then this one which I think rather speaks for itself:

"I'm a 44 yr old man having twice a year sex.I am not a good husband ,i dont wash up,i empty the dishwasher;i dont do the laundry.I pay bill for the washer -dryer and iron my clothes and the childrens .When i come in from work i find at times the house is not clean to my standards ,so i get out the hoover i bought and sort it out.As mentioned by others my marital problems stem from money...having paid £108,000 in mortgage payments over the last 15 years my wife had to recently step in and make these payments for 5 to 6 months while i was unemployed(previously she had been through the same experience for over 12 months) strangely at that time our relationship did not change.But since my bad luck it has,i married a woman i felt i was compatible with;modern appliances take away her "tired" excuse...selfish control is what's occuring here..if i wanted a "companion" i should have bought a dog ...

derek, kingston, surrey"

Should really have added "I don't entirely speak comprehensible English" in there somewhere!

News Podcast 3rd Jan

Think I'm getting better at this - certainly the technology side. Famous last words! Important note: todays podcast contains additional material by Mr Cru. He will kill me if I don't credit him.

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New Year New News Podcast!

Well as a way of developing both this blog and my comedy presence online, and for shits and giggles I am starting a (hopefully) regular podcast about the day's news. The first one is obviously the figuring-out-how-to-do-it episode so feedback both technical and content-wise would be much appreciated (especially is there a better way to upload onto the web? I'm using podOmatic but it took ages. I have a mic and Goldwave software at home, from when Mr Cru and I were rehearsing our musical show, and various other things). Still for those who care to listen here is the inaugural edition (and if I stick with podOmatic this will always lead to the latest edition). It's a round-up of all the stupid stuff in the news and me being very sarcastic. It's only about 6 minutes.

Where Does Mary Park Her SUV?

The Holy garage door ... notice how the shadows of the faithful blot it out - almost as though it were just a reflection of some sunlight off a window being worshiped by a bunch of monstrous imbeciles. From our brothers and sisters in faith at WVCSR.

Watch Julia Juggle!

Is there a section in our national press's guidelines where it says any woman with a job and children must be described as "juggling" their lives? Julia Roberts doesn't use the word herself but the BBC feel the need to add it in for her. Where is the glossy magazine for men "who juggle their lives". I hate the word, it sounds like these women are in a constant flap and don't really do anything well. Men of course are never asked how they "juggle" fatherhood and work, because it's implicitly accepted that fathers don't actually DO anything to look after their children - unfair on men and women.

Note to all jobbing journalists - unless you work for Circus Entertainment Monthly, please stop using the work "juggle". Thank you.

Rick Pickings

Winterval is a great time for watching a lot of TV. Mr Cru and I have had a relatively quiet one but it did give me the chance to see a few films. The usual soppy festive nonsense in most cases - I don't want to spoil the ending but Santa does get all the presents to all the good little boys and girls just in time after all. And some good stuff like Atom Egoyan's moving The Sweet Hereafter. But of course there was also some rubbish. Step forward Rick.

Rick is the story of a nasty man who gets his just desserts. So far so good. What he does wrong is be rude and unpleasant to people. His just desserts are - well taxis won't stop for him (bad) and his daughter gets raped and murdered (very bad). But it just left me wondering about whether the daughter got her "just desserts". I mean early on in the film she does log on to a saucy web chat-room, oh and she wears a low-cut dress, she also drinks alcohol. But then she gets RAPED AND MURDERED. So there's a nice moral message for us all at Christmas: Don't act at all sexual if you don't want to be murdered... (And yes I know it's based on Rigoletto, but it's heavily interpreted and just because it was acceptable then - which it wasn't in a lot of cases - doesn't make it acceptable now).

Another one for my list of the worst films of all time.

Miss Chastity

I am not exactly a fan of the Miss World competition (surprise!) but surely if it's not to be banned for objectification of women, it should instead be banned for gross hypocrisy. The event which features women from around the world being judged on the basis of their appearances in off-the-shoulder dresses and the notorious swimsuit round has now told Miss France to step down because she's been pictured in a magazine eating yogurt in a seductive fashion. Seems that the competition is for the most beautiful naive virgin on the face of the planet. How pathetic.

On a related note, I had coffee today with a friend who lives and works in the middle east and we were talking about the state of women's rights out there - obviously not good. One point he made which I thought was very interesting was how women's rights are affected by the insistence that they receive no sex education before they are married. Men meanwhile are taught by male relatives and often bought prostitutes as coming-of-age presents (mmm, how to foster a positive attitude to women in your children part six...). As a result women when they get married often don't know the mechanics of sex and what they should or shouldn't expect. This of course leaves them hopelessly open to abuse.

Women and Unicycles

I'd be angry if I wasn't laughing so hard at this pathetic BBC article. It claims that an "expert" - Sam Shuster (should that be shit-ster?) from (wait for it) the University of Norfolk reckons men are funnier than women because "humour comes from testosterone". Well so far already I'm smelling a bit of a rat because the whole issue of what is and isn't funny is very personal. Some people might like a testosterone-charged angry act. Others would rather watch the Mighty Boosh or Jimmy Carr - hardly likely to be taking Ricky Hatton on in the ring any time soon.

But now lets talk about his research method. Apparently he went round the country on a unicycle and noticed that men made more jeering comments at him. That doesn't sound to me like a good test of who has a sense of humour. It might be a good test of who has had too much to drink today already or who has the least self-respect, but I hardly think jeering a unicycle is the indicator of a superior sense of humour. His other claim is that there are more male comedians. True enough but there are more male plumbers too and that doesn't necessarily mean testosterone makes you more interested in human excrement.

And of course this idiot has been funded by money from us the taxpayers to do this "research". Now I'm all in favour of funding education and research. I think we should encourage scientists. However I would really rather my personal taxes were spent on those scientists curing cancer and AIDS and figuring out how to slow down global warming, not unicycling round the country seeing how many jeers he gets. I mean was there seriously a conversation with Shuster in a careers office somewhere along the lines of "Well Sam, the bad news is the circus won't take you - they've got too many unicyclists, they're only hiring tightrope walkers at the moment. But the good news is the University of Norfolk are interested..."

Even more pathetic the BBC, also funded by my money, through the license fees then goes and prints the story, as though it were a piece of important conclusive research. Which is how the headline-only reading public may well take it, especially those who already wanted an excuse to think that anyway...

I was on BBC Leeds earlier talking about this though and we did talk about some of the great comediennes - Jo Brand and Victoria Wood. Then when asked to name the best up-and-coming comediennes one of the other panellists said Sarah Millican (pictured) and ... me!

This Is Awful

Jamie Lee Jones testifying to the US House Judiciary Committee about being raped by her co-workers at Halliburton/KBR. Highlights two things - firstly that hiring corporate "defence contractors" to work in war zones is a bad idea. Corporate activity is supposed to be limited by laws which apply in the areas where they operate. There are no laws in war zones. Secondly - as we've been saying for a long time - rape is an act of aggressive violence, it has nothing to do with sexual desire. Jones was left needing reconstructive surgery on her breasts - that's not the act of someone feeling sexually aroused - it's the act of someone feeling violent hatred. Sickening.

Contractual Obligations

Well we all know I am no fan of supposedly pro-women site Jezebel. However there are some stories even they and I agree on. One of which is that this is an outrage. Turns out the "defence contractors", i.e. private security firms like Blackwater, and the one in this case, Halliburton subsidiary Kellogg, Brown and Root, out fighting in Iraq, have such dubious legal status that their employees can get away with rape.

There's an issue generally with these contractors. An article in today's (yesterday's since it's past midnight now) Independent - sadly in the pull-out bit so no link - about the way that warfare has changed. Once upon a time we lined up in neat rows and popped off shots at each other. Of course it was still brutal but we knew for the most part what was going on, and who was at risk. Nowadays it's all much more of a big gray area. We can't tell who's an "enemy combatant" and who's a civilian. And that's not just because Al Qaeda (or whoever we're told it is we're fighting in Iraq, I keep forgetting what bullshit I'm supposed to fall for this month) don't wear uniforms and carry name-tags, it's also because we've got all these different groups of people out there involved with military operations but not actually under the direct command of the military. Which makes it a lot harder to tell an aid worker from someone who might kill you. Blackwater recently killed 17 civilians. No-one is quite sure how to deal with it.

And in the midst of all the confusion of course we get rape. To go with the murder.

This Year In Sex

Alternet has published a list of their top sex-related stories of the year. Here's my take on them:

"Top 10 Sex and Relationships Stories of 2007

10. Is Open Marriage the Modern Couple's Answer to Infidelity?
By Joslyn Matthews, Sirens Magazine
Why does open marriage work for some married couples and destroy others? The answer could be that for it to work, you need to be in an extremely healthy relationship."

Do modern couples need an answer to infidelity? I know plenty of successfully monogamous couples. I think the answer to modern couple's infidelity is honesty - discussing what you want, what you feel relationship would benefit from. Do whatever you like, but do it honestly.

"9. Don't Look Gay: Why American Men Are Afraid of Intimacy With Each Other
By John Ibson, American Sexuality Magazine
Why do adolescent boys often leave empty seats between each other when they go to the movies? It's a product of the culture of male homophobia in America which pushes men to avoid intimacy and gay stereotypes."

Certainly true that in the UK too there is a real phobia for a lot of men about looking or acting "gay" or "girly". It's homophobia, misogyny and it's very much encouraged by the media and big companies who can use it to sell stuff.

"8. Why Men Should Be Included in Abortion Discussion
By Courtney E. Martin, AlterNet
Locking men out of conversations about abortion often comes at a great expense."

Men are involved in abortion discussions - when they have a good relationship with the woman in question. If they don't - why would you discuss what happens to your own body with someone who is hostile to you? We're not stupid.

"7. Is Monogomy Natural?
By Anneli Rufus, AlterNet
A lifetime of love versus a quick roll with a stranger. It's funny how we can have two seemingly opposite urges at the same time."

No it's not. It's clearly "natural" to have both a desire for a lasting relationship and an urge to have a lot of sex. More importantly however - does it matter if monogamy is "natural"? It's "natural" to cr*p in a ditch but I for one choose not to live with men who do so. Human are supposed to be civilised, so we can choose for ourselves how we behave and what we do, we are not slaves to our own "natural" urges.

"6. The Deeper Meaning in the Republican Sex Scandals
By Susie Bright, SusieBright.com
Another two gay-bashing, Klan-loving, pulpit-slurping Republicans have disgraced themselves. But there is much more we can learn from the improprieties of David Vitter and Bob Allen."

I think it's pretty obvious that the people shouting the loudest about the un-godliness of homosexual sex are the ones finding it hardest to repress that urge within themselves.

"5. Can Women Separate Love and Sex?
By Jennifer Armstrong, Sirens Magazine
Sex, like eating, is a biological drive, and you will lose your mind if you repress it for too long. But some women stave off the need much longer than others."

Of course many women have sex without falling in love. I know I have, I know I am not the only one. I also don't think you'll lose your mind if you don't have sex. Nor do I think sex is like eating - you'll die if you don't eat, if you don't have sex you'll just have to take up another hobby to fill the extra time. If the biological drive gets too much for you - I recommend masturbating.

(Note: within a week someone will have found this page by googling the phrase "I recommend masturbating"!)

"4. The Sexual Self-Interest of the Cuckolded Wife
By Susie Bright, SusieBright.com
How does Suzanne Craig, wife of the outed senator, stand next to her liar of a husband at a press conference and not hurl her guts?"

More generally why do women put up with men who mis-treat them? Well they figure on whatever misguided logic that the investment of time and effort they've put into the relationship is worth something and they don't want to throw it away rashly before they've looked at the options. Or they were only in the relationship for career reasons/money/etc to start with. Or they believe God wants them to "stand by their man". Or they've been taught by society that it is a woman's responsibility to make relationships work so they're blaming themselves and trying to make things right.

"3. Do Women Enjoy Chocolate More Than Sex?
By Danielle Egan, The Tyee
Author Joan Sewell says so in her new autobiography where she embraces her low libido. The media have hailed her book as "brilliant," but scientific literature disagrees with her theory."

Depends who makes the chocolate and who's having the sex. Mr Cru vs a couple of Quality Street - I'll take the former, some unattractive slimeball vs a nice big chunk of Lindt and Sprungli - I'll be switching to the latter. As for low libidos, I think the media these days does have a very "sex is all that matters" attitude so if you've a low libido and you're happy that way, good for you. Of course it could be a symptom of some other problem - physical or mental - so best to check, but if not then it's up to you whether you want to see it as a problem. The real issue is that while low libido for women is often not seen as a problem - a man who doesn't want much sex is swiftly dosed up with viagra. There's a real sense that for men libido is closely related to identity. And that's messed up.

"2. Is Pornography Really Harmful?
By Michael Bader and Vivian Dent, AlterNet
In response to Robert Jensen's controversial book, Getting Off, two clinical psychologists debate the intersection of violence and sexual fantasy."

Yes pornography really is harmful. Thousands of reports, all over the world, yes it's hamful. Why are we still having this debate?

"1. Pornography and the End of Masculinity
By Don Hazen, AlterNet
Mainstream porn has come up with more ways than ever to humiliate and degrade women. Why, then, is porn more popular? Includes an excerpt from Robert Jensen's new book, Getting Off."

Porn is more popular than ever because it comes up with ever more ways to humiliate and degrade women. That's what it's readers want. And that's why it's harmful.

Young and Responsible

There is a new documentary coming up about young carers - children who look after their own parents and households as well as trying to keep up with their school work. The documentary, or at least what I can see from the trailer is about how these kids manage it. The bigger question for me is why we're allowing this to happen in our society. In the trailer there is a brief moment when Melissa - 12 and a carer for her mother who has serious mental health problems and serious mobility problems - says "we tried to get help from social services but they wouldn't do anything".

Why not? What is the point of social services if they don't intervene in cases like this? Basically they've worked out that young children don't know any better and won't make a fuss if they're told that they have to do all the work, so they don't do anything because they can get away with not doing anything. I suspect, I should add, that the actual people who work at SS are run of their feet, but the issue is they don't have enough staff and resources.

This is another thing which could be picked up in my annual questionnaire in schools.

Ask The Experts

Well this is exactly why expert witnesses are needed in rape cases. Grinning orange twat Micheal Flatley has been accused of rape. His defence is built around the notion that the woman had a "relaxed and happy" breakfast with him the morning after the alleged incident. Any half decent expert - someone with experience at a crisis helpline or rape crisis medical centre - would tell you that it's very common for rape victims to act "normal" immediately after the incident.

There are two reasons why this would happen. Firstly the victim having been aggressively raped may fear further physical attack, or other repercussions - losing their job, being blackmailed or discredited by malicious rumours if they allow their rapist to know that they intend to report the crime. They may also blame themself for the rape, it's not just men in our society who can believe that women bear some responsibility for their own rape, so they may be ashamed and not want people to know about the incident. Secondly, the victim may be in denial. Having willingly gone out with, home with and trusted someone who turns out to be a rapist, they try to convince themselves that the incident didn't happen and reassure themselves that they were right to have trusted the guy and that they do have a good relationship.

Having stayed for breakfast is no defense against rape. I'm pretty appalled the BBC would report it as though it were. Maybe we need rape experts not just in courts but also in journalists offices.

He was cleared of the charges and has now won a case awarding him $11m in damages from his accuser. Surely since no-one was in the room with the pair at the time of the alleged incident, while we cannot say with 100% certainty that he did rape her, we also cannot say with 100% certainty that he didn't. I can understand a decision saying there's not enough evidence to convict him, I can't see how she can be prosecuted for bringing the case. And what message does this send to other rape victims wondering whether or not to bring a case against their attacker?

Makes Me Want To Nuke!

Several months ago I signed a foolishly optimistic online petition to the government that somebody forwarded to me which proposed the following:

"We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to Re-channel money from a trident replacement and unnecessary wars to health, education, housing and peace projects.
... we are wasting our money at a time when we need peace in the world - think what a society we could have if we spent less on wasteful war."

Pretty straightforward stuff. Today Gordon Brown paid lip service to the whole idea of collaborative government with the response linked here.

No doubt in the interests of on-going collaboration Mr Brown will be delighted to read my response to his response...

"the Government remain committed to working towards a safer world"

Right, which bit of making the world a safer place was the whole killing hundreds of thousands of innocent Iraqis planned under?

"...in which there is no requirement for nuclear weapons."

Clearly our current modern world has no need for nuclear weapons. Otherwise how exactly do you explain the run away success of Germany, Spain, Portugal, Italy, Greece, Denmark, Sweden, Norway, ... and the Solomon Islands? Countries without weapons clearly don't get attacked by those with. Otherwise there'd just be us nine left (US, UK, Russia, China, France, India, Pakistan, North Korea and Israel).

"However, proliferation risks remain, and while the size and readiness of global nuclear capabilities has reduced markedly since the end of the Cold War, large nuclear arsenals remain and are being modernised."

Who is going to attack us? The US, Russia, China and France seem unlikely and are all on the non-proliferation treaty anyway. India and Pakistan are only a threat to each other (unless we decide to "help" that is). North Korea is, well, right next to South Korea and Israel is totally surrounded by Muslim countries, I don't think either of those guys would give us a look in. A report out in the US this week says Iran hasn't been building working on a nuclear program for years now. The evidence from the "terror" attacks in the UK so far is that an incendiary device and a parking permit are beyond their capability, I don't think nuclear is the next step.

"The Government have carefully considered the threat and concluded that the risk of the re-emergence of a strategic threat, emerging nuclear states and state sponsored terrorism is such that despite our best efforts, the conditions have not yet been met to enable to UK to give up its nuclear deterrent."

The issue here of course is the use of the term "deterrent". Its not a deterrent - it's a threat. The implication is that an individual willing to push a button and kill millions of people in another country would be put off by the risk that someone might come back and hurt a few million peasants in his own country. The guys with their fingers on the nuclear buttons around the world all have access to high quality nuclear bunkers. It's the rest of us who don't. As Marcus Brigstocke said around the time I signed the original petition "There's no such thing as one-all in a nuclear war.". In fact given what we now know about the fragile state of the planet, the chances are that even one unreciprocated nuclear explosion could be enough to tip the planet over the edge into uninhabitability.

"Costs for the renewal of the UK's nuclear deterrence are similar to other major defence equipment and are less than 0.1% of GDP or around 5-6% of the defence budget."

Sure but the defence budget, what's that been doing lately? Oh that's it - rising sharply. Look at this quote from the MoD's own site "the Defence budget is set to increase from £29.7Bn in 2004/05 to £33.4Bn in 2007/08. In real terms (i.e. after inflation) it represents average annual growth of 1.4%. It will amount to longest period of sustained real terms growth in planned Defence spending."

"As only nuclear weapons can provide a deterrence against nuclear threats..."

Right, but we have nuclear weapons and Iraq doesn't, we're at war with them. So there's no deterrence, but we're still not using them. So something else works.

"...the Government has decided that this investment in the defense of its citizens is worth paying."

The government then, is very wrong. The public don't want Trident replaced.

"Since coming to power, this Government has already increased the investment in our schools, hospitals and overseas aid."

Now firstly Labour have been in power so long that the cost of everything has increased dramatically since they came to power. Secondly, when they talk about increasing investment in our schools and hospitals of course they forget to mention that some of the extra income has arrived in return for handing over ownership of those services. That's why we now have state-funded creationist schools, playing fields being sold off and hospital closures every other week. Overseas aid has only really increased due to overwhelming public pressure and even then Labour has yet to follow through on some of it's generous-sounding pledges. Finally funding may have increased, but are the services offered getting any better? Clearly not. Our schools and universities are sliding behind those of other nations, our children live the worst lives in Europe, women in labour are being turned away from hospitals, cancer drugs are being refused to the dying, waiting lists are now the norm, dentists are rarer than intelligent remarks from David Beckham and the third world is in the middle of a massive AIDS epidemic. If that's the effects of an increase in investment then the word "mismanagement" springs very quickly to mind.

Swiftly followed by the words "Needless nuclear proliferation"

Any further comment Mr Brown?

The Shoddy Shop

Stopped in to the Body Shop on my way today. Used to be you could rely on that place to be making an effort to do the right thing. Today I discovered:

1. Prices have gone up massively. Used to be reasonable, now £11 for a lipstick.

2. They don't really do recycling any more. You used to be able to bring containers in for a refill, which saved some money, but they don't do that any more. They weren't even sure if they could recycle bottles if I brought them in.

3. Almost every purchase comes with a free gift - a bag containing at least four small items, loads of packaging for very little impact. Would be much better to give away a single bottle of something as a gift (or keep prices lower and drop the freebees).

4. Tons of pressure on customers to hand over personal data. Savings and more free gifts if you give your name, address, phone, number, DoB, email, etc.

5. Pushy shop staff. I was asked six times in ten minutes if I wanted any help. Even when I said "no thanks", they persisted. "Just checking out the scents?", "Just looking for Christmas presents?", they'd get on very well with my Granny actually (sorry Gran).

6. Poorly informed staff. One member of their team told me "If you get a second home fragrance you'll get a free gift". I didn't buy any home fragrance but I still got a free gift. And when I asked at the till if there was another gift with home fragrances I was told "no".

7. Not enough till staff. Four empty tills versus one staffed till - this is supposed to be Christmas holiday season! So six members of staff wandering about annoying customers and no-one to serve them once they've been harassed into buying whatever they didn't really want. And given that each customer reaching the tills has to be given a free gift, told if they're missing out on a free gift and offered a Love Your Body loyalty card which is then filled in at the till, this meant a line had formed more than ten customers long.

Ho hum, I guess corporate overpriced goods and bad service is reaching places previously thought to be out of bounds.

An Open Invitation

Mr Cru and I will both be celebrating our birthdays this coming Saturday 8th Dec from 8pm at the newly refurbished Princess Louise pub on High Holborn. Everyone is welcome whether we've met you before or not, and you're all welcome to bring friends too. Some of us might go to the OBJECT meeting beforehand which finishes at 6pm so just time to grab stomach-lining food (sushi!) and get to the pub.

How Frightening Is This?

A big bunch of old weird-looking white guys in too much make-up trying to sound likable while telling millions of women that they believe their bodies are not their own property... Puke.

Them and Us

An Amnesty Intl report says that laws forbidding rape, sexual assault and child sexual abuse are not enforced in Uganda. Women apparently often don't report these crimes because they know nothing will be done. "The vast majority of cases of violence against women are not reported to the police because most victims have lost hope in getting any kind of justice." the report claims and "Amnesty International researchers ... spoke to scores of women, girls and their families about the discrimination they suffered while trying to access justice, and the culture of impunity around cases of rape, domestic violence, assault and other forms of violence against women."

So a bit like Britain then. And people say feminism's not needed any more...

You Decide!

Meet Lusty Linda... But is it hilarious comedy or is it outrageous misogyny? You decide! Oh and if you decide it's hilarious comedy, go back and decide again because you were wrong.

Another Piece of Unbelievable Islamic Justice

Sentenced to death for being raped.

Reclamation!

Well last Saturday night was a lot of fun. I joined the Reclaim The Night march in central London. Something like 2,000 women marched to protest violence against women in all it's forms. I managed to meet up on the way round with Jess McCabe and Catherine Redfern from The F-Word and Cate Sevilla from Dollymix who had brought Sophie - her talking vagina (it's a puppet before you all write in asking for tour dates). And I met Julie Bindel, of whose journalism I (usually) approve. Many photos taken but still not seen them other than the one here of myself and Catherine Redfern.

One of the most interesting people I spoke to all night was [well I won't name her cos it's a bit politically sensitive but she works for an organisation which deals with women in the immigration system who are victims of trafficking or of domestic or sexual violence]. Of course the big issue is how few places they have available versus how many people are in need of their help. And the big issue with solving that is the difficulty of getting media attention to the good work their doing. She said most journalists aren't interested in these women's stories unless the women are virgins abducted from their loving family homes. Women in more complicated situations - such as those who've agreed to take a well paid lap-dancing job and then been forced into poorly paid prostitution, those who suffered abuse from their families or ran away from home, those who have children or those who haven't followed asylum-seeking protocol exactly correctly - are not considered media-friendly. So I was pleased to see this story in the Guardian about a woman seeking asylum in the UK and the horrific treatment meted out to her by a country that then sees fit to go marching into Afghanistan and Iraq claiming to be defending human rights.

Anyhow so hello to all the cool people I met and hung out with on the way round. Apparently it was the biggest ever EVER this year. London Feminist Network (who organise it) has a social on 12th Dec and the next demo is A Million Women Rise on 8th Mar, so feel free to add to your diaries if interested.

Silent Voices

The debate on this one seems to be raging on over here. The issue is should the queen be inviting people round for tea who run countries where the law indicates 200 lashes for a woman who gets into a car with an unrelated male? Now I think we all know the answer to that. What the case has highlighted though is the views of Muslim groups in this country. This is a perfect opportunity for them to express their revulsion at this sort of behaviour. Muslim Council of Great Britain? No comment. Yet if Muslim groups spoke out against our sucking up to oppressive regimes it would REALLY embarrass the government, much more so than if me, a couple of other liberal bloggers and Mark Steel are left screaming in the dark.

Also thanks to the Britblog Round-Up for featuring another Cru-blog post in their reading list this week. And Muslimah Media Watch who featured my piece on Islam's sense of humour.

Tony Blair - What A Nutter!

Tony Blair wasn't famous for his brutal honesty and quelle surprise - he's now owning up to what he didn't tell us when he was in power. Apparently (and I think we had mostly guessed) he's deeply religious, but had feared that if he publically announced his beliefs, people would think he was a "nutter".

Well sorry but I think the great British public is entitled to know what our politicians stand for and entitled to make up their own minds on what that says about them. And if the consensus view of the public is that there isn't a big guy in white robes who's sat up there on a cloud making careful notes every time we swear or go to work on a Sunday ready to burn us for eternity if we don't say sorry afterwards, then good for them. And if the consensus view of the public is that they'd rather have someone in charge who doesn't subscribe to that sort of nonsense either, then even better.

Now of course the church has been asked to contribute to the debate and said "It would have led to more constructive social policy at home and principled policies abroad" which is atrocious bandwagon-jumping. If he'd listened to his religion we wouldn't have gone to war or screwed the country over. Really?

What sort of example does the Bible set for going to war? Well the Bible's full of war, every five minutes God smites another nation down or sends a bunch of plagues or tells people they're the chosen people and they have the right to go killing everyone else.

And what sort of social policy at home was the church looking to advocate? Women forced to stay in the home, gay people excluded from society and abortionists burnt at the stake?

I don't want a religiously-motivated defense (read "attack") and social welfare policy.

And as it would appear - nor does the rest of the country!

Not Legal Enough

Abortion has been legal in the UK for 40 years now. It's still a big taboo subject though and it's clear that a large number of women believe if they ask for an abortion their privacy won't be respected and they may be charged a small fortune for the service. As a result we still have an unsafe and illegal backstreet abortion market in this country. This is not a happy state of affairs.

We need to enshrine the following in law:

1) If women get pregnant, they can get an abortion.
2) That abortion will be free, regardless of whether they are seeking asylum or are illegal immigrants to the UK, and any follow-up treatment will also be free.
3) All information about them and their consultation will be kept confidential from everyone - including their families and their community leaders.
4) That free impartial counseling is available to them before and after they make their decision.
5) All school girls are taught what their rights are as a part of comprehensive compulsory sex education, whether that be in a state school, a faith school, a private school or at home.

Nanny State

Rather frightening story from the BBC about a woman who got pregnant and decided - not as many in her situation quite understandably would, to abort - but to have the child and put it straight up for adoption. Now the local authorities have asked a court to over-rule the woman's own wishes and seek out the woman's parents and the man who got her pregnant and see if they want to keep the child. The court have quite rightly said no.

Now firstly when was it ever permissible to go over a 20-year-old woman's head and talk to her parents without her permission? Never. She's a responsible adult and she's entitled to make her own decisions.

Secondly if the father of this child had been around at all in the last nine months he would probably have known the woman in question was pregnant. There are tell-tale signs like having a big bulging lump on the front of her body. So my initial suspicion is that he may not be the most responsible type. But of course we don't know if the woman was in fact avoiding him, and if she was why she was avoiding him.*

The question is - were the local authorities intending to suggest he raise the child himself as a lone parent or did they want him to help them load pressure on the mother to raise it herself? There are lone fathers in the UK and I'm all in favour of encouraging men to feel that they can take on the job of parenting either alone or as the main carer in a larger family. If the guy were suitable and willing to take on such a role though, wouldn't the mother have noticed?

Instead we are looking at a local authority too lazy to go out and find a suitable adoptive family for a needy child, instead loading pressure on a woman trying to do the right thing to keep a child she doesn't feel able to raise.

*And in a country with a 5% conviction rate for rape, we actually cannot assume he didn't rape her, in which case he definitely has no right to see the child.

A Sad Day For English History

Last night as the England football team made their early departure for contention for the European Cup next year Alan Hanson said "This is a sad day for English history". Well I like watching football so I was sorry to see the team go out but I hardly think it registers on the scale of historical events. I mean when I'm 103 am I going to be sat in a rocking chair telling my grandchildren "I remember 2007, we went and murdered thousands of innocent Iraqi civilians, and then we lost to Croatia"? No.

I have no problem with people playing sports, I think that's great, I think more people should be encouraged to play sports. I have a big problem though with corporate sponsorship and huge-scale government funding for facilities and events that only a tiny elite will ever get to be involved with. And I have a problem with the sport = good mentality that sits behind our Olympic ambitions and behind the way that some city councils help pay for sports stadiums in their cities.

My problem is with the idea that it's some sort of societal good for lots of people to watch sports. I don't see any evidence that watching sports encourages the watchers to play sport themselves. More like it encourages them to eat pies and sit on the sofa with a beer in one hand and the remote control in the other.

Professional sports are also profoundly discriminatory. Women's events are often paid less and relegated to obscure TV stations. A relatively tiny number of women make a living as sportspeople, compared to thousands of men. Last night in front of the match - which I watched with a Scottish friend and Mr Cru - who is American - I was being teased somewhat about Englands performance and flippantly remarked "It's not my team, I support England Women". But the more I thought about how much Scotland, Germany or Argentina's players and fans might hate England, it occurred to me - surely no-one hates England Men's Team like England Women's Team do? The women on the England team have no hope of earning a professional wage from their sport in their own country. They get little or no glory, they're not paid to do adverts, commentate or coach major international teams when they retire. Yet they know full well the men doing the same job as them typically have 20 cars each, huge mansions, earn hundreds of thousands of pounds a week and are featured with their glamourous wives in the likes of Hello and OK magazine in sumptuous surroundings. If I played for England Women I would be bitterly laughing my socks off at the men right now.

The other thing about watching sports is that it often leads to big groups of men meeting up and developing a rather tribal mentality. We have a long and less-than-proud history in this country of football crowds getting out of hand. And there's a reason some pubs don't let people in in team shirts - because it can create an intimidating atmosphere. As if to confirm that for me my attention was drawn to a rather disturbing post over at Shakesville.

...and yes the photo is me, in my platinum blonde years playing for (and captaining) Onnabelievable LFC, Tokyo.

Jihad-ilarious!

BBC has another candidate for the much-fought-over UK press stupid question of the year. So Does Islam Have A Sense Of Humour? Now the answer in real life is "no". Only some creatures, certainly more than just humans but probably only the great apes - us, orangutans, chimps, gorillas and bonobos - have a sense of humour. A religion can't have a sense of humour.

What else are those diligent journalists trying to achieve here (aside from re-gurgitating a press release from someone organising a themed comedy tour of the UK)?

Do Muslims have a sense of humour? Of course most of them do. Being a Muslim doesn't affect your ability to enjoy and generate humour. It might affect your ability to go out and enjoy specifically-staged humour, if you are in one of those Muslim cultures which forbid entertainment. There were certainly a few Muslims who failed to see the funny side of the Danish-published cartoons of Mohammed. And there is certainly one lunatic Christian extremist who hasn't seen the funny side of Jerry Springer The Opera.

But also the article is about three male Muslim comics touring the UK. How out of date are they? Don't they know we now have a female Muslim comic in Britain? While their interviewees are explaining "women in hijaabs do laugh you know", there is pretty good evidence to suggest that some Muslim women (with or without hijabs) actually tell jokes too. While the men interviewed are still making jokes about "marriage" and "mother-in-laws", the fabulous Shazia Mirza (pictured) is making documentaries on TV and performing at all the major comedy clubs around the country. Keep up BBC...

Reclaim Saturday Night

Looks like for the first time ever I'm actually not working on Reclaim The Night night! So I'm going to try to meet up with the F-Word team and join the march. If you're London based (and female) let me know if you want to come along.

Eating With The Enemy

Last week King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia was being treated to lavish receptions with the Queen and assorted British dignitaries. This week, one of his courts has punished a women with 200 lashes and six months in jail for BEING gang-raped. They apparently increased the sentence from 60 lashes to punish her for attempting to draw attention to the case internationally, and have withdrawn her lawyer's right to practice law after he appealed on her behalf. I love a good dinner party, but I have to say I'm a little more picky than the government and royal family are about who I invite.

Of course the Queen dressed for the occasion in a rather raunchy outfit by Saudi standards, with her lust-inducing face fully exposed, a crime which in Saudi Arabia would be punished severely. During the visit the Queen said the UK and Saudi Arabia should work together against those "who threaten the way of life of our citizens". What Saudi Arabian "way of life"? Virtual perpetual house arrest for women, who are treated like goats and have no human rights whatsoever?

Oh sorry, just heard, apparently they sell oil to power our SUV habit and buy expensive arms from our corrupt giant defense companies to use against their own people and regional rivals. OK, everybody put your heads back in the sand please...

Who knew??!

Cake can make you clever!!

Terrible Teens

I'm generally in favour of not going totally mad with juvenile offenders. You know six year olds who pick up Dad's gun and shoot someone. I don't hold them responsible. I don't believe in locking kids up when they're too young to know what's going on. This is a little more sinister though, I saw it over at Feminist Law Professors. A group of teenage boys (ages 15 to 17 at time of crime) ganging up on a teenage girl, raping her, filming it, distributing the DVD and not even getting a custodial sentence?

And they don't use the word rape either, they say "procuring sexual penetration by intimidation". If anyone understands Australian law better than me I would love to hear how those two crimes differ. I know we've been talking on here recently about rape conviction rates and the difficulties faced by courts in getting convictions, but surely showing the jury the DVD would clear the matter up. Plus the perpetrators pleading guilty. Surely that's enough for more than a lightly slapped wrist?

You know you're doing something right when...

...the Daily Mail calls you "Dr Death"! I'm generally a fan of Lib Dem MP Dr Evan Harris. The Mail feels differently. They describe him as "the Lib Dem MP Evan Harris who backs embryo experiments, euthanasia and freer abortions". Embryo experiments? Those would be the ones to find cures for horrible illnesses and disabilities that are ruining the lives of adults and children alive in the world now. Euthanasia? The right to die in dignity for people alive now who may suffer from illnesses that lead to unbearable suffering and an agonising death. And freer abortions? Yes Dr Harris thinks that women can make their own decisions about whether or not to have an abortion and don't need two doctors to grant them permission first. He also believes that medical (pill-induced early-stage miscarriage) can be done at home, allowing women a more comfortable environment to complete their termination and freeing up hospital space for people who actually need treatment!

If I didn't know better I'd say Dr Harris is trying to improve and enable life for those people already alive. While the "Deathly" Mail is doing just the opposite.

But it gets worse "he is an aggressive secularist, serving on the council of the National Secular Society and attacking anyone - particularly Christians - who allows their faith to influence their attitude towards abortion" Mmmm. So he thinks that religion shouldn't be allowed to influence political decision-making? Of course he doesn't advocate compulsory abortions for Christians - he's not stopping them practicing their own faith in the comfort of their own homes. He's trying to stop them pushing their beliefs on other people through drawing up of religiously-based laws which are then applied to people who aren't religious. I imagine he is also against the idea of stoning those who blaspheme... Radical stuff. He did write a very concise piece about the rise of fanatical religion on his own website earlier this year. And they didn't even get round to mentioning some of his other ideas. Action to reduce carbon emissions. Proper care for the elderly.

Instead they went with: "Fixated on his work, he is rarely seen around Westminster without the earpiece of a mobile phone." Sorry - now they're complaining he works too hard!?

And you know these guys have been trying to dig up dirt and having absolutely no luck when they resort to "he has eschewed the suit in favour of a more proletarian jacket and odd trousers". That's the best they can do? He wears "odd" trousers. The bloke is clearly a saint, albeit a secular one.

But even they admit he has, maybe, one good point about him. "He bravely volunteered, for instance, to act as a guinea pig in trials of a new vaccine to combat the HIV virus." Yeah, yeah so he willingly risked his own life to help develop a vaccine to stop the spread of AIDS. So what? I'm still thinking about those "odd" trousers ... ewww!

Actually very uplifting to think maybe there is still a politician left in government who isn't just trying to screw the country as hard as possible and see if we all notice.

Plymouth Spin

One of the reasons for the quiet on the blog this week is that I spent a few days in sunny Plymouth. Lots to report. The reason for the trip was a show on Wednesday night which went pretty well. The highlight being the bouncer's mobile phone going off and his ringtone loudly announcing "I AM HUNG LIKE A DONKEY" in the middle of Ray Crawford's (my co-star for the show) set. The low point was after the show chatting to some members of the audience, a group of laddish guys who'd been in the front row and had been quite chatty during the show. One of them runs a building/plumbing/similar business and was talking about how he's now hiring mostly Polish labour. To which the other replied "well at least they work hard, and they're white"! I was seriously hoping that was a very bad taste joke but it quickly became obvious it wasn't. As I pressed them on the issue, they just dug in. At one point one of them said he thought Jim Davidson (racist, sexist, homophobic comic who on one occasion famously refused to do his show because their were disabled people in the front row!) should be Prime Minister.

And they did seem embarrassed about their views. Like they couldn't say "black person", they would say "you know - one of them" while tilting their head to one side with a meaningful expression. Strange - in London I don't really meet people with views like that, I don't think it'd be easy to live in Hackney and be very racist. I like Hackney.

Of course there are good things in Plymouth too. Here are my recommendations for a visit:

Hire a bicycle from Plymouth Cycle Hire 01752 257 701 and take it up onto Dartmoor, up the Plym Valley Cycleway (they will lend you a map, repair kit and lock with the bike), £12 for 24 hours.
National Marine Acquarium - britain's biggest acquarium.
Boat trips in the harbour and out around the area
Walking around the Barbican and "The Hoe"for the great views
Touring the Plymouth Gin Factory. There are various options depending on whether you want to be able to walk when you come out.
Drum Theatre sometimes has good stuff on (I was lucky and caught Life After Scandal which was very interesting)
Eat fantastic seafood - my recommendation is the Pasta & Seafood Bar by the docks in the Barbican area for scallops, monkfish and a menu as long as your arm.

Guess Whose Fault This Is?

I know this is a little out of date - but it's only just come to my attention. Nauseating stuff.

He starts with an odd line "Isn't it time to acknowledge that it's beyond the capacity of the judicial process to deal with date-rape?"

So what should we do? Legalise date rape? So we'd be saying any woman who intentionally spends time alone with any man effectively consents to any and all sexual acts that he has the physical strength to force her into or indeed the cunning to trick her into (perhaps by physically incapacitating her in some way). Does he mean that? So in response women would have to take chaperones with them on all dates/business lunches/dental appointments/etc. Presumably male chaperones since a female chaperone might be construed to have shown up for a three-way date (and therefore three-way date rape). And of course the chaperones couldn't possibly be guys you weren't related to because what if you got stood up on the date - suddenly that's a new date with the chaperone. And don't bother telling me you should stick with people you trust - because statistics show people you trust do you a lot more harm than people you don't trust! So instead you'd have to pick someone you couldn't be dating - your dad or brother for instance...

Effectively you'd be restricted to never leaving the house without a close male relative. And imagine how many other social ills can be cured simply by LIVING UNDER THE TALEBAN!

In any case the idea that prosecution rates don't seem to be too hot so lets give up is hardly the approach. I mean Harold Shipman killed a lot of older women, it must be really hard to tell if a doctor is quietly poisoning some of his/her infirm patients. So should we legalise doctors murdering their patients? No we should take extra steps to prevent it.

He goes on to explain how all the measures attempted or called for are unfair or unworkable. For instance:

"If evidence about an accuser's lifestyle is ruled impermissible, jurors are left wondering. Might a supposed victim's behaviour indeed have seemed to imply consent? A victim whose lifestyle might have implied the opposite is denied the opportunity to get this across."

No - the point is that a victim's behaviour DOES NOT, CANNOT, and WILL NEVER imply consent. Consent is a process that is entirely specific to the individual situation. Having willingly slept with all ten outfield players from the local football team is not consent for the goalie to do whatever he wants to you. Defences in the past have tried to bias the jury by presenting the victim as promiscuous. Which doesn't seem to hold much water, what is a defence lawyer said "Your honour, the alleged victim often gave money to charity" and the jury would then acquit a poor person accused of robbing them!

And then he goes on what can only be described as a victim-blaming spree...

"When our houses are burgled, we're hardly more likely than rape victims to see the intruder end up behind bars. So what do we do? We fit locks to our doors and windows. We keep our valuables out of sight."

The low prosecution rate for burglary exists because often the perpetrators leave the premises without being seen by the victims or other witnesses, who may be asleep or not at home. We might however find that prosecution rates among those who know the name and address of their burglar are rather more impressive. And as to keeping valuables out of sight, we already know that rape is a crime of violence, rather than of sexual attraction. So-called "provocative dress" affects nothing. Is he calling for chastity belts? Or for women to disguise themselves as men so they're not seen as "available" for rape?

But of course his main point is that feminists are doing it all wrong!

"The insistence of feminist activists that the courts must provide the only solution to rape is surely political. They want a demonstration that the state backs women against men. Yet, in perpetuating the idea that women have no part to play in securing their own safety, campaigners are doing them no favours."

Like every feminist in the universe I think no rape is a better situation than lots of rape with a decent prosecution system. I think educating men and women about their rights and responsibilities is vital. I think a lot could be done, for instance, to address the media messages being sent out to men and women on the subject. Teaching women that rape is their fault and therefore men that they have a "right to rape" is not on my agenda however.

How telling then that he characterises feminism as wanting the state to side with women against men. On the contrary, feminism wants an end to any sense of there being an ongoing conflict between the sexes. Radically in this case they want to end the horror of rape.

And how is telling women that they shouldn't allow their lives to be ruled by fear, paranoia and self-blame somehow "doing them no favours"? Telling rape victims that they have only themselves to blame doesn't strike me as a big favour.

Who allows nasty pieces of work like that into print?