Thursday, January 05, 2012

No, Daily Mail, No

In answer to Liz Thomas's question in today's F(em)ail section: Is this the ultimate woman?

Firstly - cutting out bits of different women and sticking them together is ikky.

Secondly - ultimate for what? Triathlon? Or fulfilling men's sexual fantasies? I even think that's insulting to men.

Thirdly - if you are actually going to date, or even just have sex with, this woman she might need some sort of intellect, ability to talk, sense of humour, compassion, enthusiasm, generosity.

Fourthly - oops boys, she might have Kate Middleton's hair and Gwyneth Paltrow's chin but she also has: no vagina. This will really spoil your afternoon plans.

Fifthly - CGI is odd. She looks weird.

And sixth and finally for crying out loud - being a woman is not a competition!

But in case I'm not being clear - here a quick line-by-line on the actual article:

"Each stands alone as one of the world’s most beautiful women."

Highly subjective who are the worlds "most beautiful women" isn't it. Interestingly for a paper that really hates racism the women in question are all white and you don't even mention the message this sends out to your impressionable (lets hope not) readers.

"So put them all together and the result would surely be the ultimate head-turner. Or would it?"

And do note that the "ultimate head turner" is now the same thing as the "ultimate woman", jeez, at least in the old days you got extra marks for baking.

"Well now, thanks to the wonders of modern technology, you can judge for yourself."

The Daily Mail invites you to judge bits of chopped up women. Roll up now. Is there a raffle afterwards?

"Beneath the Duchess of Cambridge’s tumbling shiny hair, you will find the chocolate brown eyes of singer Cheryl Cole, the nose of actress Kate Beckinsale and the cheeks of fellow Hollywood star Keira Knightley."

If you find Cheryl Cole's eyes and Kate Beckinsale's nose under Kate Middleton's hair - they're having a lesbian threesome (and lets be honest willingness to participate in a threesome is on quite a few men, and women's "ultimate qualities" list). Otherwise you're looking at a CGI image made by some computer nerds who were probably touching themselves at the time.

"Eyebrows come courtesy of Transformers actress Megan Fox and the perfect chin is apparently found on still another actress, Gwyneth Paltrow."

Yes, of course, the kind of men who turn their heads to gawp at women really care about this stuff. I often go past a building site and hear "phoar - look at the chin on that" and "I bet those eyebrows would look great next to a robot that turns into a car". I mean really Liz, you know there is actual news out there. You could report that. Or do voluntary work. Maybe with dangerous animals...

"Those bee-stung lips could only be Angelina Jolie’s, and the ultimate celebrity’s decolletage belongs to busty TV presenter Kelly Brook."

I quote again my local building firm "phoar, she's got a cracking pair of decolletages". We all know you mean tits. Stop pretending you're anything but creepy quasi-porn.

"The inclusion of Prince William’s new wife in the poll of more than 9,000 people – by online beauty retailer Feel Unique – is no surprise."

Nor is your newspaper printing nasty objectifying non-news articles based on pointless surveys conducted as a means of generating free publicity for corporations.

"Her perfectly coiffeured curls have been credited with everything from a boom in hair products to an increase in women dyeing their hair brown."

To recap that's EVERYTHING FROM a boom in hair products TO an increase in women dyeing their hair brown? Is brown hair dye not a "hair product"? What are all the other things that Kate Middleton has been credited with? Did she win the Nobel Peace Prize or the Winter Olympics downhill ski slalom? No? Didn't think so. How about writing an article about the women who have done these things?!

(footnote: they are Maria Höfl-Riesch and Ellen Johnson Sirleaf and one of them is the world's first black female president, isn't that a bit more "ultimate" than having cheekbones like Keira Knightley?)


Seismicshed said...

I can't help thinking that the "ultimate woman" looks rather like Nigella Lawson might after some pretty shoddy plastic surgery.

Cruella said...

And she CAN bake!

David Walsh said...

The poll was conducted by online beauty retailer Feel Unique.

Firstly, if they are talking about aesthetic beauty, it can't be sold. Your parents determined how 'beautiful' you would be.

Secondly, Feel Unique? Ha Ha. Yes, feel unique whilst desiring someone else's cheek bones. Morons.

LanaD said...

If that freak is supposed to be the golden offspring of all those women, she must be the worst blow-up doll combination possible.

P.S. As a joke, I made this morph of Hugh Jackman, Brad Pitt, Robert Patisson, Ryan Reynolds and Tom Cruise, so here's a perfect date for her: