Daily Fail vs Fat Thuts line-by-line

Did you make a new year's resolution? Maybe to quit smoking or make time to visit an elderly relative? The Daily Fail have resolved to keep finding more reasons for women to hate their bodies.  Perhaps you don't have cellulite (normal legs), skin blemishes (freckles), muffin top (not a problem for those of us who wear onesies all day), side boob (or is that a good one? I prefer mine on the front.), cankles (no idea but apparently Cheryl Cole's got one so probably anger management issues and a tendency to racism), crow's feet (these are considered very sexy on crows though), witch's hands (probably caused by choking journalists to death). Fear not, you too can hate your normal natural body thanks to the Daily Fail's pioneering efforts to rebrand your it as a source of shame and horror.

To which end may I present ladies and gentlemen: The THUT!!  Allow me to explain, one line at a time...

"Fitness experts have claimed that our sedentary lifestyles mean more women are losing the definition between their thighs and their butt than ever before."

Than ever before? Can someone show me the graph of this? How many women were losing butt-thigh definition in the 1860s? We need to know. That's probably why they all wore those big hoop skirts. Aha!!

"The ‘thut’ as it was coined  by NYmag.com, is when the muscles on the back of a woman’s legs are undeveloped – leading their butt and thigh to appear as a single piece of anatomy."

Yes ladies and remember your bodies must always be made up of separate anatomical items so you're nice and easy to objectify. For more info see our celebrity pages (2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26 and 27 in today's issue).

"According to experts, the issue is caused by a lack of targeted muscle tone and does not reflect the physical anatomy for a flat derrière."

Who are these "flat derriere experts"? How do you apply for that job? What is going on?

"‘It’s not the same thing,’ Cynthia Shipley, an instructor with True Pilates told MailOnline. ‘You have to look for definition, if the hamstrings are developed and if the buttocks is lifted.’"

How ironic for the Daily Fail to quote a woman from an organisation with "True" in the name. But she's not an expert, she's a gym teacher, with classes to sell. That's like saying the "nutrition experts" at Cadbury's think we should eat more Creme Eggs. Mind you, the Daily Mail would probably publish that story too.

"The thut's muscular origins are part of a postural support group that help dictate standing, lifting, and walking movements."

Yes the third year of a medical degree involves an in-depth study of the thut. You'll often have heard medical experts refer to Daily Mail journos as "a bloody great pain in the thut".

"The grouping's lack of development can be attributed to a shift in working culture, where many Americans sit in a desk chair all day rather than working in manual-labor-intensive occupations."

Is the Daily Mail an American paper now? But don't people in sedentary jobs also not exercise their legs and torsos much? Did the Daily Mail only just notice there was something between?

"Circles of online writers have thus begun referring to the issue as 'blogger butt'."

Could that be the word of 2014? And isn't the word "thut" enough? Do we need more made-up nonsense words? Or as I like to call them Turdinologies.

"Valerie Samulski, the Pilates coordinator for YogaWorks in New York further emphasized the thut’s muscle tone quotient. ‘It just makes it look like your but has dropped down into your leg, you lose that lift – it looks like mush and in fact it is,’ she said."

Sorry the "muscle tone quotient" - a quotient is the relationship between two numbers. Which two numbers are we talking about here? And no part of a woman's body is made of "mush", you might legitimately use the term as an analogy, but to describe it as "fact" is definitely nonsense.

"Ms Samulski says the thut ‘is not genetic – it’s really just a product of muscle tone and definition. It may be harder for someone to shape their muscles because of genetics, but mostly this is a problem of tone and proper use.’"

Body shape is a mixture of genetics and training? STOP PRESS!! Why has this never bee mentioned before?!

"While NYmag widely introduced thut terminology to the fitness-obsessed earlier this week with an instructional article, many fitness experts admitted to MailOnline that they had not yet heard of the word (though Ms Samulski admitted that, until now, she has referred to it as the butt-leg)."

No way - so a made-up word that was made up this week hasn't yet been adopted by everyone? And thank goodness! I wasn't happy with just the words "thut" and "blogger butt", I also need to use "butt leg" to insult myself.

"Research shows, however, that the thut has been included in fitness vernacular for at least the last three years."

Quit the etymology and get on with telling me how to hate myself already!

"Its mention began appearing in TRX-workout-centric articles circa 2011, and the first Urban Dictionary entry dedicated to the thut was created in 2007."

Commit this stuff to memory - you know it'll be on QI next week. (Also note that earlier in the same article they claim the word was "coined" by NYMag. BY their own admission, a lie.)

"In conversation, though, experts found the term superfluous and representative of 'another aesthetic obsession that people are latching on to because it is another way of judging if you are fit,' says Annie Mulgrew, the director of programming at City Row – New York City’s first-ever interval rowing studio, which opened just this week."

"Interestingly the Daily Mail journo googled "superfluous and judgemental" to come up with the idea for the article" says Kate Smurthwaite who is appearing at the Churchill Theatre in Bromley tomorrow.

"HOW TO LOSE YOUR 'THUT'"

Hang on - I only just got it. Let me enjoy it for a few minutes first ok?

"Om Factory's Michelle Velasquez says that practitioners should focus on ‘squats and lifting’ as a solution."

Practitioners of what? Self loathing?

"Annie Mulgrew of City Row pinpoints rowing as a feasible fix. The exercise has recently come to the fitness forefront for its ability to work the legs with minimal joint impact, ‘toning and lengthening them very quickly,’ she says."

Aha - the woman who runs the rowing gym thinks the best exercise is rowing. And now over to Jim at Squat-U-Like...

"And YogaWorks Pilates coordinator Valerie Samulski offered that any floor exercise ‘where the legs are behind the body and you are working at raising them in gravity,’ like the yoga poses dhanurasana and shalabhasana, will help."

Hello? Is that The Times? I've got a story for you, hold the front page. Yoga teacher reckons you should do yoga. Thank me later.

"But if a thut does create aesthetic-related anxiety, gravitational exercises involving leg lifts, squats, and isolated weight training can help alleviate the issue."

A thut doesn't create aesthetic-related anxiety. Articles in national papers telling me what's "wrong" with my body do that. Here's an exercise you can try. Bend at the waist and throw the paper in a dustbin.

"Ms Mulgrew says that ‘your legs muscles, your quads, hamstrings, calves, and your gluts can all be toned and in doing so you can absolutely create definition so that your butt appears lifted and firmed.’"

Muscles can be toned. Other things that will make your butt appear lifted and firmed include holding it with your hands, balancing it on a small ledge and having it photoshopped.

"She cautioned, though, that while thuts are fixable, ‘people have different body types and they have to respect that. Men and women also tone very differently.’"

My body type is "gets angry near patronising yoga teachers".

"Michelle Velasquez, a yoga instructor at Manhattan's Om Factory says that ‘when it comes to butt definition you can grow a butt. You won’t be a big booty chick, but you can grow muscle. You will get a little bump or something,’"

Scientists have been trying to grow a butt in the lab for years. I think maybe everyone involved in this article has already had a little bump. On the head.

"She was also careful to note that tight denim pants are likely the only article of clothing in which a thut would prominently appear."

I'm glad she was careful to note that, you wouldn't want her just flippantly saying any old nonsense. Otherwise she'd never make it as a yoga instructor - she'd be snapped up by the Daily Mail's editorial team.

"Thut or no thut, Ms Samulski says that the area’s overall health is important for its role in the postural support group: ‘It should be toned because it helps you stand properly.’"

Great advice. I remember only the other day seeing a man lying limply in the street and shouting "call a pilates instructor, quick!".

In next week's news: How can you lose your armbow? Can't wear min-skirts because of your knalf? Considering surgery for your heck? Why not have your unsightly brain removed and replaced with some expert-approved mush? It worked wonders for our house writers.

Career Girls. This really needs a line-by-line.

I don't know which to feel sorry for the most - my head or my office wall, for there is no doubt that the two will be making repeated thumping contact over the next half hour or so. The Daily Mail has decided in it's infinite wisdom to explain why women only want careers because they're unable to get themselves a man. Yes, really. So here goes:

"Do girls only want a career because they can't attract a man? Provocative study casts high fliers in a new light
By FIONA MACRAE"

Well lets see shall we? Are there any women who are ALREADY IN A RELATIONSHIP who still want careers? Yes, loads. But what a horrific insultory headline! Implying any woman who works hard at her job is desperate. Fuck off!!

"Forget ambition, financial security and that first-class degree."

I do whenever I see a pair of uncomfortable shoes...

"A controversial study has concluded that the real reason women pursue careers is because they fear they are too unattractive to get married."

Hang on - lets test this hypothesis further: do you know any unattractive married people? Yes, lots right? And are there any attractive people who are unmarried? Again loads. So even the notion that you have to be attractive to get married is absolute crap.

"The research team, made up of three women and two men,"

Well why are we reading this research then? We know the female researchers are only doing it for the chance to date a lab technician.

"said that when men are thin on the ground, 'women are more likely to choose briefcase over baby'."

Personally, I prefer my men both thin and on the ground. But that's another matter. Are we really surprised that women who aren't raising families are more likely to decide to have a serious career? You're not choosing career over family if the option of "family" isn't really there. You're choosing career over daytime TV and having no money.

"And the plainer a woman is, they claim, the more she is driven to succeed in the workplace."

They will have measured this on the official SCIENTIFIC plain-ness scale right? The only possible way to rate attractiveness is to ask others to judge. Everyone will judge differently. Are you asking straight guys to judge? Or other women? And then we will also have to adjust for whether she's trying to make herself look professional for the office or whether she has loads of free time to get her hair and nails done, right?

"Central to their argument was the idea that women have evolved to become homemakers and men, providers."

Yes the parallels between hunting buffalo and being an accountant are overwhelming. Similarly those between building a fire pit and ordering groceries online. And lets look at our nearest relatives the chimps and bonobos. They DON'T HAVE homes!! They just build a new (individual, usually) nest each night. So we're left wondering what evolutionary principles we're working from here.

"They said this means that when men are scarce in a particular area, women, and particularly less attractive ladies, may decide they need to provide for themselves with a well-paid career."

That's not evolution. That's fact - if you haven't got another source of income - you have to get a job. In other news - hungry people tend to congregate around supermarkets and restaurants.

"The researchers carried out several experiments to come up with their startling argument."

Clearly none of these experiments involved looking up the word "startling" in a dictionary.

"The first looked at the number of eligible men in an area, which they called the 'operational sex ratio'."

How exactly are you defining "eligible"? I hope you had a group of sexy young women in the street shouting "Phoar, look at the operational sex ratio on that!"

"After collecting data from across the U.S., they found that as the number of eligible men in a state decreased, the proportion of women in highly paid careers rose."

So with less men around, women had better jobs. Ooops! I think you just discovered workplace gender discrimination.

"In addition, the women who became mothers in those states did so at an older age and had fewer children."

So with less men around, less women got pregnant? Quick ring the press!! Oh, you already did. Seriously?!

"To prove that a lack of men was behind the trend, the researchers then carried out practical experiments."

Removing the men from a series of small towns? Or maybe just rendering them "ineligible"!! Sounds like the sort of thing I used to do in my late teens...

"These involved showing women newspaper articles"

Hmm, well lets hope they weren't Daily Mail articles, since all you guys publish is a load of sexist dross.

"or photos that gave different impressions of the sex ratio in an area"

Photos? Of the queues for local speed-dating events? Stranger and stranger.

"and then quizzing them about which was more important – work or family."

Stand AMAZED at the magic of SCIENCE! Really? Aren't there people working on a cure for cancer out there?

"When they were led to believe that men were scarce, they were more likely to prioritise career over family."

Wow amazing. Of course there's no way guys would be less interested in their work when there was a sexy woman around. No way.

"However, when questioned, the women didn't believe the shortage of men would lead to more job openings for women. Instead they thought there would be more competition to find a husband."

Was there a tick box for "both"?

"The final experiment tested the researchers' suspicion that less attractive women would be more interested in careers because they might find it difficult to secure a partner."

So they had a suspicion about a correlation AND they had already pre-decided what the causality between the two would be? When is this research up for peer review exactly?

"The 87 young women were given mocked-up newspaper articles describing the sex ratio in nearby university campuses and were asked about their views on family and career."

87 young women? No room for statistical error here then? And remember statistically we would expect 8-9 of these women to be lesbians. So that might slightly skew the husband-seeking activity spectrum?

"They were also asked how attractive they believed themselves to be to men."

Oh THAT totally objective measure. Was Samantha Brick surveyed?

"Those women who saw themselves as being less desirable than average were highly likely to be career-orientated."

So women tended not to say "I'm great at work and totally gorgeous", almost as if they didn't want to come across like Samantha Brick. Or maybe smart women don't see such big advantages in beauty and prefer to play it down? And maybe less educated women lacking job prospects are more likely to feel their looks are important and have built their self esteem on them?

"Researcher Kristina Durante, from the University of Texas at San Antonio, said: 'Does the ratio of men to women in a local population influence women's career aspirations? Real-world archival data and a series of laboratory experiments suggest that the answer is yes.'"

Yes of course it does. More shagging equals less working. I hardly think this is a gender issue.

"In Britain, there are slightly more younger men than women. However, females aged 36 or older are in the majority. And at universities, female undergraduates now outnumber males."

Is this one of those fake newspaper articles intended to trick me into wanting a family? What impact can we expect this "slight" imbalance to have? Maybe a "sight" one. One not worth ringing the papers about. Call me when there's an international man shortage, I have heard the Daily Male suggest this a million times and yet somehow despite it all, I am still getting laid. Who knew?

"Economist Ruth Lea said that on a basic level it made sense that women would have to support themselves if the odds of being supported were low."

Yes on a basic level, it does. I can't help thinking that men will have to support themselves if others don't do it too. That's rather the cruel nature of our free market economy, no? Unless this is a sneaky trick to show Daily Fail readers how important it is to a generous welfare state in place.

"However, she said many factors, from aptitude to ambition, played a much larger part in a woman's career path."

So a better, less misleading, headline would have been: Availability of hot men doesn't have much impact on women's career choices.

"And agony aunt Pam Spurr said:"

Oooh here comes the next bit of science - an anecdote from an "agony aunt". Dear Pam, I've got these strange pimples on my frou-frou and I'm worried I caught them from sleeping with my teddy between my legs after he fell down the loo. Also I can't find anything else to write in my stupid misogynist article and it's only half a page long so far. Love Fiona xxx

"'I often find that women who were getting on well in the workplace will in private conversations with me, express wanting to settle down.'"

Women who have one thing also want another? It's like they're HUMAN! Alert! Alert! Conclusion of article contravenes Daily Mail's official editorial policy! Alert! Alert!

"The study, which was carried out by U.S. and Dutch researchers, is published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology."

I must subscribe. It sounds great. In next months issue: People with ear wax problems buy more of those sticky cotton buds things that you're really not supposed to stick in your ears but it feels really fucking good when you do EXCLUSIVE.

There is honestly not a single iota of newsworthiness in this whole article. It is just the Daily Mail randomly deciding to attack women by suggesting that successful, ambitious ones are ugly. Well Fiona MacRae - you wrote it and lookie lookie, your name is up there in big letters in a big national newspaper. Don't go getting too near any mirrors huh?

No, Daily Mail, No

In answer to Liz Thomas's question in today's F(em)ail section: Is this the ultimate woman?

Firstly - cutting out bits of different women and sticking them together is ikky.

Secondly - ultimate for what? Triathlon? Or fulfilling men's sexual fantasies? I even think that's insulting to men.

Thirdly - if you are actually going to date, or even just have sex with, this woman she might need some sort of intellect, ability to talk, sense of humour, compassion, enthusiasm, generosity.

Fourthly - oops boys, she might have Kate Middleton's hair and Gwyneth Paltrow's chin but she also has: no vagina. This will really spoil your afternoon plans.

Fifthly - CGI is odd. She looks weird.

And sixth and finally for crying out loud - being a woman is not a competition!

But in case I'm not being clear - here a quick line-by-line on the actual article:

"Each stands alone as one of the world’s most beautiful women."

Highly subjective who are the worlds "most beautiful women" isn't it. Interestingly for a paper that really hates racism the women in question are all white and you don't even mention the message this sends out to your impressionable (lets hope not) readers.

"So put them all together and the result would surely be the ultimate head-turner. Or would it?"

And do note that the "ultimate head turner" is now the same thing as the "ultimate woman", jeez, at least in the old days you got extra marks for baking.

"Well now, thanks to the wonders of modern technology, you can judge for yourself."

The Daily Mail invites you to judge bits of chopped up women. Roll up now. Is there a raffle afterwards?

"Beneath the Duchess of Cambridge’s tumbling shiny hair, you will find the chocolate brown eyes of singer Cheryl Cole, the nose of actress Kate Beckinsale and the cheeks of fellow Hollywood star Keira Knightley."

If you find Cheryl Cole's eyes and Kate Beckinsale's nose under Kate Middleton's hair - they're having a lesbian threesome (and lets be honest willingness to participate in a threesome is on quite a few men, and women's "ultimate qualities" list). Otherwise you're looking at a CGI image made by some computer nerds who were probably touching themselves at the time.

"Eyebrows come courtesy of Transformers actress Megan Fox and the perfect chin is apparently found on still another actress, Gwyneth Paltrow."

Yes, of course, the kind of men who turn their heads to gawp at women really care about this stuff. I often go past a building site and hear "phoar - look at the chin on that" and "I bet those eyebrows would look great next to a robot that turns into a car". I mean really Liz, you know there is actual news out there. You could report that. Or do voluntary work. Maybe with dangerous animals...

"Those bee-stung lips could only be Angelina Jolie’s, and the ultimate celebrity’s decolletage belongs to busty TV presenter Kelly Brook."

I quote again my local building firm "phoar, she's got a cracking pair of decolletages". We all know you mean tits. Stop pretending you're anything but creepy quasi-porn.

"The inclusion of Prince William’s new wife in the poll of more than 9,000 people – by online beauty retailer Feel Unique – is no surprise."

Nor is your newspaper printing nasty objectifying non-news articles based on pointless surveys conducted as a means of generating free publicity for corporations.

"Her perfectly coiffeured curls have been credited with everything from a boom in hair products to an increase in women dyeing their hair brown."

To recap that's EVERYTHING FROM a boom in hair products TO an increase in women dyeing their hair brown? Is brown hair dye not a "hair product"? What are all the other things that Kate Middleton has been credited with? Did she win the Nobel Peace Prize or the Winter Olympics downhill ski slalom? No? Didn't think so. How about writing an article about the women who have done these things?!

(footnote: they are Maria Höfl-Riesch and Ellen Johnson Sirleaf and one of them is the world's first black female president, isn't that a bit more "ultimate" than having cheekbones like Keira Knightley?)

Tip Top Sex Advice for Ladies

Need relationship advice? Where better to look for it than the Daily Male? Oh hang on ... what's that you say ... everywhere? Tamara Cohen's piece in today's paper deserves a destructive line-by-line more than anything I've read in years... It's catchily called "Boys' night out may be key to happy marriage as cutting ties with old friends could erode their masculinity"

Does anyone actually know what "erode their masculinity" means? Does the penis actually shrink? Or do they suddenly shudderingly come "to" and exclaim "My God! Are those my dirty pants on the floor? I'm so terribly sorry, I'll just go and stick them in the washing machine!"

"You book the theatre tickets, organise dinner with friends and remind him to have his hair cut this weekend."

Oh my mistake, I thought this was a relationship piece - evidently it's about caring for people in sheltered accommodation.

"But new research shows busybody wives to try to micro-manage their husband’s social lives may be storing up problems."

Hold on - if I buy the theatre tickets and organise the dinner - the response needs to be "thank you so much, I really appreciate you taking that stuff on".

"US scientists found men who do not have enough spare time to spend with their own friends, can feel less attracted to their partner."

Thanks for the detailed and specific information: US scientists. I know them. Jim and Sandra right? How much spare time is "enough"? Am I supposed to ring his boss and cancel his overtime? Who gave me this power? And who the fuck are his "own friends"? Am I not allowed to make eye contact with these people? And sure some people "can" feel less attracted and some "can" feel more attracted and some "can" wonder who the hell wrote this research and whether we should really be referring to them as a "scientist".

"They say wives who have steadily cut the ties with their husband’s old friends in favour of having dinner parties with other couples can erode men’s feelings of masculinity and lead to conflict within the relationship."

Really ladies if you want to "erode" your man's masculinity a simple point-laugh-"Oh my God, it's tiny" will suffice. Less washing up.

"The authors said there is nothing wrong with the wife doing most of the organizing of their social activities – as women tend to be more organized."

Of course there's something wrong with the wife having to do most of the organising. What's wrong is THE WIFE HAS DO MOST OF THE ORGANISING. That's what's commonly known as NOT FAIR. And really? Women just "are" more organised or women just are more likely to have a load of unpaid administrative work dumped on their lap while men watch Match of the Day? Aren't you scientists? Do you want to give us a reference for the biological predisposition of women towards social scheduling work?

"But they said reducing his contact with his friends to the point that all your socialising is done together can be dangerous."

Dangerous like shark attack dangerous? Anyway don't men love a bit of "dangerous" in the bedroom?

"It suggests wives should encourage their husbands to spend time alone with male friends – even the ones they don’t like."

Seriously? I'm now expected to try and talk my husband into going out drinking with blokes he doesn't like. How the hell is that going to help anyone?

"Professor Benjamin Cornwell, of Cornell University added: ‘There is a bit of a gate-keeper aspect that probably troubles some men."

Oh not Jim and Sandra then... Here's his CV - he's written eight papers which have been published in such illustrious journals as Influenza and Other Respiratory Viruses and "has appeared live on Chicago Tonight". And men, listen, if you're unhappy about your wife's gate-keeping, why not keep your own gate?

"‘They key issue is whether it reduces his contact with his friends while it increases hers – for example she alters his social schedule to the point that his contact with his friends increasingly occurs in the context of couple’s dinners."

Ewww couple's dinners! Keys in the middle eh? Next thing you know someone comes round to read the meter, there's a terrible misunderstanding, ends up with vol-au-vents everywhere! Seriously couple's dinners are ace if YOU LIKE THE OTHER PEOPLE and shit if YOU DON'T. Thats all there is to it. Couples are people too you know?

"‘A man’s ability to play a round of golf or to have a few drinks with a friend who has only a passing acquaintance to his wife or girlfriend is crucial to preserving some independence in everyday life."

Well a man's ability to pick up a fucking telephone should probably kick in then. And is this actually science? Spending time away from someone preserves your independence from that person? Really? And if you wanted independence, why are you in a relationship where your wife tells you when to get a haircut?

"‘If he has to bring his wife along every time they meet, or his wife starts monopolising that friend, that’s when problems may arise.’"

So it's normal and healthy to not want to introduce your wife to your friends or to hope they don't get along? The words "not even slightly" spring to mind here.

"The researchers analysed data from the National Social Life, Health and Aging Project, a 2005 survey of 3,000 people in Chicago, who were aged 57 to 85."

Data from 6 years ago. And from then until now no-one noticed.

"They found the risk of erectile dysfunction was almost doubled in the group whose wives had the most contact with the couple’s shared friends, even allowing for related health conditions in this age group such as diabetes, heart problems and obesity."

Oh so this "eroding their masculinity" does mean "droopy cock"! Ha ha ha. And - look out "scientists" here's a quick newsflash: so you adjusted for diabetes, heart problems and obesity ... did you adjust for the fact that if you're senile enough that someone else has to remind you to get a haircut, erectile dysfunction is nature's way of telling you not to get it out in the grocery aisle.

"Men in their 50s and 60s were at the highest risk of this, suggesting the older men in the study had different priorities for socialising."

Yeah it's mostly group sex over 80 isn't it?* Maybe what these numbers were suggesting is that you were jumping to ridiculous conclusions based on a relatively small sample size of out of date data about highly subjective questions and a big ol' dose of wishful thinking. Just saying.

"Around 25 per cent of the men surveyed experiences ‘partner betweenness’ – when their partner becomes as close to one of their confidants as they are, in at least one of their relationships with a friend."

If your partner hasn't become really close to at least some of your friends - here's the skinny - you're not actually in a relationship. Or if you are it's going to end any time they take away your broadband.

"Prof Cornwell added: ‘We were surprised at how powerful the effect was – the equivalent of having prostate problems. For these younger men, partner betweenness more than doubled the risk.’"

Really? If I was you I'd be surprised how easy it is to plant a suspiciously poorly researched story into the mainstream press just cos it has the word "erection" in it and a deeply misogynist overtone.

"Co-author Edward Laumann, a professor of sociology at the University of Chicago said: ‘He needs to have someone to talk to about the things that matter to him – whether its football, politics, what car he is going to buy or worries about his health or his job."

But first he needs a haircut, right? Can he not tell his wife these things? She's probably too busy embroidering doilies for the next couple's night.

"‘The important thing is that he can let it all hang out and know that what he says isn’t going to get straight back to his wife.’"

I'll have to say I can back them up on this point - my man hates it when I find out what he thinks about football. It makes his dick fall off.

"Last week research from six African countries revealed women who wear the trousers at home may pay for it in the bedroom."

Oooh new "research"! From new "scientists" right?

"They could find themselves waiting 100 times longer for passion than those who share household decisions – about shopping and the weekly budget – with their husbands, according to a study from Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health in Baltimore."

They "could" yes or they "could not". Also the Daily Fail's editors "could" all be screwed up fuckwits with limp dicks. Just saying - they COULD. Now more info on this report is available online here and again our trustee "scientists" (a different lot this time) are missing one great big point. The report says women who make household decisions reported less sex. Yes, I understand. Maybe, just maybe, that's because those who make household decisions are MORE LIKELY to also make decisions about whether or not to have sex. Less marital rape? How awful. And THINK THINK THINK before you call yourselves scientists. The report covers the following six countries:

Ghana 16.6%

Malawi 38.4%

Mali 6.3%

Rwanda 26.1%

Uganda 17.9%

Zimbabwe 57.9%

Oh I added in some numbers there - did you notice? - those are the percentages of the population with access to contraception in those countries. Can anyone think of a reason why a woman without access to contraception might not want to have sex? Gosh it's just as well these scientists are super-smart eh? Hate to see them miss something really fucking obvious.

So in case you missed it lets just recap: Hey ladies, want more sex with the guy you have to remind to get a haircut? Why not arrange for him to out drinking with some people he hates? That should help.

Seriously. Mainstream paper. I guess they chose to cover this "story" instead of updating their coverage of the Wall Street protests or the dismantling of the NHS? Ho hum.

*If you found my blog by googling "group sex for the over 80s" I wish you all the luck and love in the world but you will find no helpful links here. I assume the relevant website is called "Greydar"! [bows, accepts rapturous applause, leaves]

Not paranoid enough about your body?

Angela Epstein* can help. Apparently Cheryl Cole has fat ankles. Yes grab your sick bag (you may also need a magnifying glass to actually spot the "problem"), it's going to get gross. It's going to get gross line-by-line:

"Cheryl Cole and I have never had a great deal in common."

Good point - one of you is a brain-dead vacuous pool of seething hatred towards their fellow humans and the other is Cheryl Cole.

"The X Factor judge is a global superstar with the kind of looks that can bring traffic to a standstill."

Lets not talk about the effect she has on toilet attendants eh?

"I’m a mother of three from Manchester who rarely attracts an admiring glance."

Especially not for your journalism.

"She earns millions of pounds a year; I earn peanuts. You get the picture."

Really? Why debase yourself writing this drivel if you're not well paid for it?

"But after seeing recent pictures of the Geordie singer in the U.S., I realised we share something: cankles."

If only the Daily Fail's website would allow the word to be printed up in tombstone-style lettering?

"The lovely Cheryl may have looked like the perfect pop princess in a perky little dress and sky-scraper heels, but there was no mistaking the unwanted accessory pooling round her feet."

Prepare to vomit. Ready?

Unless a "cankle" is a large amount of someone else's hair glued in to your own to help you make shampoo commercials I really cannot identify the problem here.

"In fact, when I saw the former Girls Aloud singer, I gasped aloud in sympathy."

Think back to ten seconds ago, when you looked at the picture? Did you gasp? No, me either.

"Forget her previous woes (being cuckolded by a philandering former husband or flattened by a dose of malaria), this was worse — much worse."

I'll take the cankles myself, you can keep the malaria, and Ashley Cole.

"And as a cankles sufferer, I should know."

Really to make a fair comparison you have to have also had malaria and been cheated on by a top level footballer.

"Cankles, for the uninitiated (oh lucky, lucky you!), occur when the calf meets the foot in one unapologetic union. It’s a fusion of calf and ankle."

If your calf is not fused to your ankle - seek medical help urgently.

"No elegantly turned, twiglet-thin ankle contours for Cheryl or me. Just one sausage-shaped lump of fat splodged at the bottom of your leg."

There's nothing wrong with Cheryl's legs, really. But even if she had this debilitating deformation, is it really her fault? Should she be pilloried for it?

"Think Hillary Clinton, Cherie Blair, Patsy Kensit and Mischa Barton."

I'm getting: politician, human rights lawyer (actually called Cherie Booth), actress and who the hell is the other one?

"Even the saintly Helen Mirren — who manages to looks stunning in a bikini even though she’s eligible for a bus pass — can’t escape the curse of the cankle."

Is it saintly to look good in a bikini? When did helping the poor and needy go out?

"And my heart just bleeds for her because, unlike any other physical defect — jowls, ugly teeth, a wonky nose, enormous breasts —there’s little you can do about cankles."

Now go outside and ask the first straight guy you see whether enormous breasts are a physical defect? Frankly I tend to find when a gal gets her enormous breasts out everyone stops looking at her wonky nose.

"There is no ointment that can shrink your bones — nor can improving your diet or pounding the gym treadmill really help shrink your ankles in the way they can banish a tummy bulge."

Amputation? Or here's a radical solution, stop worrying about your ankles and focus on world peace.

"As a size ten, I can tell you from painful personal experience that cankles bear little relation to your weight or fitness."

Painful? Really I feel sorry for anyone who pushed themselves to the point of pain because they believed there was something wrong with their size ten ankles.

"After all, Cheryl’s slight frame would suggest she’d be the last person on the planet to exhibit the kind of lower legs usually found on a swollen matriarch down the local bingo hall."

Eww - a "matriarch" - literally a female head of a family - they're the gross ones right?

"In fact — and I try not to seethe with the unfairness of this — I once worked with someone who was as round and bouncy as a TV agony aunt (she even kept a scrunched-up hankie in her hand to complete the look), but come summer, she’d unpeel woolly tights to reveal the daintiest little ankles I’d ever seen."

So she was jealous of you being a size ten and you were jealous of her thin ankles. How the long winter nights must have flown by!

"It didn’t matter how many times a day I’d catch her face-down in a smoked salmon and cream cheese bagel. The ankles never put on a pound."

I consider smoked salmon and cream cheese bagels a healthy lunch option. But perhaps you could tell your friend to try lifting it to her mouth, biting and chewing. It's quite hard to graze a stuffed bagel.

"No, the only option for the Cankle Crew is to try to hide the damned things."

Or the stop-worrying-and-be-proud-of-the-important-things-that-make-you-great option. Especially if, like Cheryl's, it's a figment of your imagination.

"That is why I’ve spent my life constructing a wardrobe that means my shapeless ankles are out of sight: think thick black tights, loose-fitting trousers and no short, flirty skirts."

Spent a lifetime? Oh well you probably wouldn't have come up with a cure for cancer anyway.

"I dread the summer because that’s the time cankles are almost impossible to conceal — I thank God every sunny day for the maxi-dress: the ultimate in cankle camouflage."

By the way if you're going to play that game - God also gave you the cankles. Or you just evolved that way - though "evolved" seems a little kind for someone who writes rubbish like this.

"Selecting the right footwear is as critical as your clothes. Forget gladiator sandals or dainty ballet pumps. Flat shoes only serve to accentuate fat ankles."

They also serve to make it a heck of a lot easier to get around without developing a massive painful bunion.

"Instead, I live in long, slim-fitting, high-heeled boots — the column of black providing a cankle-disguising optical illusion. I keep these on even when the thermometer nudges 70 degrees."

That must be fun for you. I wear jelly shoes and flip flops and though no doubt this makes my ankles look disgusting at least my face isn't wrinkled up in agony.

"When I do buy high heels, I always select ones with an ankle strap or one across the foot to distract from the flesh beneath."

Why buy high heels when you "live" in boots? Unless, could it be? Is it possible? The Daily Mail has printed a LIE?!!

"I have a favoured pair of black stilettos with heels like a giraffe’s neck and a strap that garottes the skin and leaves a pink welt."

Why not accessorise the pink welt with a matching clutch bag? Perhaps one filled with some sort of medicine that helps you make more rational decisions.

"At times my feet go blue though lack of circulation. But what choice do I have?"

Trainers? Crocs?

"It’s the nearest I can get to ankle corsetry, squeezing the damned things into a shape that Nature denied them."

Really - there are people out there with spina bifida and you're complaining Nature gave you fat ankles?

"Any other tips? Well, I’m told that toning the calves may help — perhaps going on long walks or cycling to shift those fat deposits around the lower leg.And go easy on the salt. Too much sodium can make certain parts of your body bulge, especially your ankles."

But only a few lines ago NOTHING could be done. Now I can switch to a low-sodium diet and go cycling?

"Sitting around for hours (me in front of a computer; Cheryl in front of the next Mariah Carey) can cause blood to pool round the feet and enhance the swelling."

I balance my desk time out by also spending time with my feet over my head, doing yoga or having headboard damaging sex...

"So it’s important to get up every 20 minutes or so to stretch your legs."

But remember NOTHING will work. How can I get up every 20 minutes when MY LIFE IS RUINED?

"If the only thing for it is the plastic surgeon’s knife, some clinics offer laser-assisted liposuction of the lower leg."

Yet another thing I CAN DO? It's like this whole article is just lies!

"An incision is made in the skin and light from the laser is absorbed by fat cells, liquefying them so they can be flushed out by the body."

Sadly surgery can only remove actual problems (tumours, diseased organs), not imaginary ones. Also you might get an infection or take too much anaesthetic and die. Obviously that would be better than having imaginary fat ankles.

"For the more squeamish, the internet is crammed with magic creams and potions promising to fight cankle fat."

OK so I checked - I googled "magic creams and potions for cankle fat". The first result is Ms Epstein's article. Above that it says "did you mean magic creams and potions for ankle fat?". Neither search offers any specific product for ankles and most links are discussing how there is no magic cream that can get rid of fat.

"Do any of these treatments work? I doubt it. As far as I can tell, our hideous little problem is incurable and one we will take to our graves."

"Incurable"? That would imply it's an illness wouldn't it? And look back at the picture of Cheryl and try to decide her ankles are "hideous". What a load of rubbish.

"So my best advice, Cheryl, pet, is simply to take heart from the fact that very few women have it all. If cankles are all you’ve got to worry about, consider yourself blessed."

As you mentioned earlier Angela - she also has malaria and a husband that sleeps around.

"But take it from me: a short skirt, bare legs and heels? I’m afraid it’s not your most flattering look, any more than it’s mine."

Remember women - you should only ever go around in YOUR MOST FLATTERING LOOK. Never the thing you want to wear, the thing that you feel good in, the thing that's comfortable and practical or (like me) the thing that passes the sniff test in the morning! And let me conclude by saying Angela that even from here you DEFINITELY do not pass the sniff test. If they pay you peanuts - it's too much. Stop writing pointless nasty articles and shopping for maxi-dresses and do something useful with your life!

*Angela and I did the Jeremy Vine show together once before, I forget what it was about but I do remember congratulating her on her sense of irony after she told me women like me were setting the cause of women's equality back decades. Ha ha ha.

But Daily Mail - who should I blame?

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Man Opposes Government Action, Eats Lunch

The second largest protest ever to hit the streets of London took place last Saturday. Around half a million people opposed to the government's planned assault on benefits and public sector jobs made their feelings known. The Daily Fail of course has the behind-the-scenes scoop. Cos y'know the infront-of-the-scenes scoop - the half a million people against the cuts - wouldn't be interesting enough would it? So lets have ourselves a little line-by-line shall we...

"After the riots, a portrait of a Fortnum & Mason's invader lunching at his castle by SAM GREENHILL and RYAN KISIEL"

Riots? What riots? I mean I know there was some spray painting but I'm not sure I'd call it a riot.

"To the descendant of a baronet, who grew up in a castle, the splendour of Fortnum & Mason must have seemed like a home from home."

No-one's home looks like Fortnum and Mason's. If it does, you've ordered too many jars of marinated olives.

"But unfortunately for Adam Ramsay, the police did not see it that way and arrested him for aggravated trespass and criminal damage."

Yes and a video on the Guardian website clearly shows that was a terrible miscarriage of justice. The sort of thing any self-respecting newspaper would cover.

"Yesterday, the young aristocrat was ruminating on his night in a police cell alongside other protesters who had stormed the luxury Piccadilly grocer."

Based on what I've seen he would have been ruminating on the unreasonable police behaviour.

"However, unlike most of his fellow activists campaigning against the cuts to public services, Ramsay, 25, hails from a remarkably privileged background."

Is this the Daily Mail asking me to hate the rich? I mean we can talk but I'm just checking this is your new editorial policy. You might want to mention it to Melanie Phillips and Dick Littlejohn.

"He comes from a long line of Ramsay baronets starting in 1666 and ending with the 12th baronet who died in 1986."

Confusingly if the 12th baronet died and there wasn't another one, that would seem to imply that line has run out of descendants. But does this affect his opinions about the government? If not it seems oddly irrelevant.

"The family seat is Bamff House – described by them as a ‘small castle’ – set in a stunning 1,300-acre estate in East Perthshire, Scotland."

So I've got a great game you can play with all your family. Imagine you're a penniless working class riot-loving protestor furious at the way the rich are ripping you off. Now, look at these two "castles" and decide which one you should trust the owner of:

(a)

(b)

Well castle (a) is owned by some member of Adam Ramsay's family, allegedly. And castle (b) is owned by Viscount Rothermere, chairman of the Daily Mail. Seriously the alleged Ramsay "castle" would make a really disappointing National Trust day out.

"The magnificent pile boasts more than 15 rooms and an ancient tower, with views stretching over hills, fields and woods that have been owned by the Ramsay family since 1232."

Yes, they're talking about castle (a), and yes they use exactly that same photo, and yes they haven't put any quote marks round the word "magnificent". And the extravagance of fifteen rooms rather depends how many people are there.

"Wild boars roam the estate and, in the pheasant season, the Ramsays offer guests the chance to go shooting."

They have guests? So some of the 15 rooms are rented out to guests? How do they find room for the stable-master and all the scullery maids?

"But despite their aristocratic lineage, they may have more reason than some to oppose government cuts – for they recently received a £40,000 gift from the taxpayer to fund a new boiler at the castle."

Meanwhile Viscount Rothermere despite living at the actual castle, is registered as non-domiciled in the UK for tax purposes. But lets hear more about an overpriced boiler shall we?

"Yesterday, Ramsay came under fire from other activists who mocked him over the grant, which was paid by an arm of the Scottish government."

I can find no evidence of this. Not a scratch. Most people were sending him messages of support and concern about his treatment by the police.

"He responded on social networking website Twitter, claiming the public money had been a ‘renewable energy grant for the farm’."

No he didn't - really I've been through every post he made on Twitter yesterday and he didn't say any such thing. He says the Daily Mail have been round his parent's house and openly admits he is a bit posh.

"Ramsay – whose family motto is ‘Ora et Labora’, which means ‘Pray and Work’ – also wrote a long internet post describing how he was arrested following the occupation of Fortnum & Mason."

Dang! My best latin translation was "ears and labia"... How does this affect my opinion of him? Does his coat of arms include an image of a guy with a megaphone shouting "David Cameron's a fucking idiot"? Perhaps one day it will...

"Ramsay spent the night in a cell at Ilford police station before being charged the next morning with aggravated trespass. He said the criminal damage allegation was dropped."

So he WAS charged but he only SAID the criminal damage allegation was dropped. Shame we can't ring the police station and check. But hey, we're not a national newspaper or anything.

"Since leaving Edinburgh University, he has worked for a student campaigning network called People & Planet, based in Oxford, as its activism, volunteering and events manager."

Is this a typo? Did you mean horsed about in a Barbour jacket taking pot shots at clay pigeons?

"Last night, several messages were posted under Ramsay’s blog by readers mocking his background."

Yes I think the Daily Mail should be reporting on comments made under a blog post. And if you can't find any, why not add some comments yourself?

"One of them pretended to be his mother, writing: ‘Adam darling, We’ve got no caviar left and the staff have taken the day orf... please be a dear and pick some beluga up when you and your Uni chums pop into Fortnums... Mwah, mwah, Mumsy.’"

Wow, thanks Daily Mail. Let me be the first to break the latest news: someone else has added "I’m not clever enough to discus politics here, so il just call you a moron and hope you suffer instead Moron!!!!!!!!!!!11111!!!!". Why has this not been reported by the BBC?!

"Ramsay was released on police bail and is due to face Westminster magistrates in May."

Yeah due to face magistrates charged with "aggravated trespass" for sitting on the floor of a public shop and not causing any damage. Perhaps they'll find him a cell next to Ronnie and Reggie? I suspect more than £40,000 of taxpayers money is now being wasted attempting to prosecute a man for singing in a tea shop.

"Responding to a request for comment, last night he sent the Mail a message saying: ‘I think people with all kinds of backgrounds are starting to see that these cuts threaten to undermine our economy and ruin people’s lives.’"

Exactly. And your response to that is? No, no, don't strain yourself. Just change the subject, no-one will notice!

"Meanwhile, it emerged last night that the founder of UK Uncut – the protest group that arranged the invasion of Fortnum & Mason – makes taxpayer-funded films for the BBC."

Yes everyone who works for the BBC is taxpayer-funded. I did a BBC Radio Five Live interview this evening about whether men should pay for dinner on a first date. This was taxpayer-funded. Since your chairman doesn't pay any tax, I, who do pay tax, will be the authority on how to spend it, thanks.

"Thom Costello, a 22-year-old Oxford graduate, works as an assistant producer for CTVC, a television production company that has worked for the BBC’s One Show and Newsnight."

So he works FOR a company that has worked FOR the BBC. Are you trying to smear his character cos you're really not doing all that well here? You should probably go on about the other guy and the fancy Bed and Breakfast his parents run. Knock yourselves out - see if you can interview a labrador.

"Yesterday Mr Costello said: ‘I was not involved in organising the occupation of Fortnum & Mason’s and I was neither inside nor outside Fortnum & Mason on Saturday."

On other pages: Geri Haliwell also not at protest! This is looking like a quiet news day.

"‘In fact, I was in a pub having a drink with a friend whilst the sit-in at the shop took place.’"

Man not at protest, it's a great story, lets run with it, look for an interview... Hang on, stop press, stop press, I think we've got one...

"His father Martin, 53, who runs a theatre in Catford, South London, said: ‘He would not organise anything like that."

Breaking news: man's father corroborates "not at protest" story.

"‘To say he is the mastermind is inaccurate. It’s ridiculous.’"

Is there any chance we can ask Martin to take a few minutes a week off from running his Catford theatre and get him to edit the Daily Mail, cos I think he'd have had the sense to scratch this one before it got this out of hand...?

Because the whole piece is just stupid. If the rich cannot speak up for the poor, the able-bodied for the disabled, if white people in power cannot speak up for black people denied it, men speak up for women's rights or straight people speak up for marginalised gay communities, then where the hell are we? The people who will be worst affected by the cuts Cameron and Osborne are planning were not in Fortnum and Masons on Saturday, and not on the streets protesting, they were stuck working overtime in dead end jobs, trapped in their homes by disability, financial deprivation and responsibility for the care of those the Big Society has long since left behind. We need every body we can get behind this movement, latin family motto or not.

Mini-Mail line-by-line

Have you eaten something with sugar in in the last 48 hours? Fear not, the Daily Fail's "femail" section is here to judge you in a classic piece of woman-bashing called "Chocolate bars for breakfast, HobNobs at work... Keeping a diary of treats will help you stop calorific snacking". Here's the first three lines:

"Diets are doomed to fail because British women snack so much, experts claimed earlier this month."

Of course it's only women who are on diets. And no, before you read on, no information is supplied about the academic track record of these "experts"...

"More than half of us admit to eating at least two unhealthy treats a day, with an alarming one in seven confessing to five episodes of naughtiness."

Naughtiness? As far as I know the word "naughtiness" is generally reserved for the under-fives and people who like to incorporate some light spanking into their foreplay.

"But does the average British women really gorge on more than 1,000 treats a year?"

No she doesn't gorge on 1,000 treats. She EATS 1,000 treats. How many treats a year do men aggressively binge on? And by the way - lager counts.

Then there's a very boring passage where a woman (Lorraine) makes a list of the "naughty" treats she's had this week. Its not clear to me whether she doesn't count desserts (maybe you get 1 hour from starting to eat to count it as part of the meal) or doesn't eat them (cos, you know, she's a woman...). And in between our "expert" Zoe criticises these food choices without sympathy. And apparently the main advantage of not eating snacks is "not feeling guilty". Hmm... No-one seems to care that the disadvantages of eating less treats are (1) being fucking hungry and (2) not getting to eat nice things that you like.

And then there's a conclusion:

"I've eaten an extra 3,690 calories in just a week through snacking — that’s nearly two days worth of extra food and would result in a weight gain of a pound if eaten on top of the 2,000 calories the average woman needs a day."

Yeah but half of the snacks were instead of a meal. And they included things like nuts and cheese. Things you could quite legitimately include in a meal.

"I’m staggered and feel distressed not just by the number of calories, but by what I’ve discovered about myself. "

You discovered you like sweets and crisps? And that's distressing? HEy could be worse - could turn out you like crack...

"I genuinely thought this diary might be a bit thin on the ground because, until I wrote everything down, I was convinced I didn’t snack that much. But I just haven’t noticed that I do."

Thank God for the Daily Male - handing you a big stick to beat yourself up with...

"So how do I stop? I call Sian Porter of the British Dietetic Association for advice."

I sure hope she's on emergency speed-dial.

"‘It’s quite hard to refuse a friend, so if they’re cutting a cake, ask for a small slice and eat half,’ she says. "

Really? My friends actually like me so they tend not to force cake on me if I politely say no thank you.

"‘If they reach for a packet of biscuits, say: “Don’t open them on my account.” "

Or - stop press - no thank you.

"‘It may seem strange, but use the same tricks as people with eating disorders — tell others you ate before you came out or that you’re going out for dinner and don’t want to spoil it."

Yes use the same tricks as people with eating disorders ... survive on 500 calories a day until your bones become brittle and damaged, your internal organs start to digest themselves and you, erm, die as one in five eating disorder sufferers do. If an expert from the British Dietetic Association advised women to act like they have an eating disorder, I think that expert should be struck off. Obviously.

"‘And if you know you’re going to miss a meal, plan ahead. If it’s dinner, eat a larger portion at lunchtime or have a healthy snack such as a bowl of soup or cereal at 5pm. That will tide you over until you get home."

So I can have Cocoa Pops at 5pm and that's healthy? Bonza...

"‘Be prepared so when you get hungry you have something appropriate — buy single servings of dried fruit or nuts. And have a rule that you eat only when sitting down at a table — most snacking is done standing up or on the run.’"

Now first up early on you were telling her that nuts were "naughty", make your mind up. And of course most snacking is done standing up or on the run - that's the definition, and the point, of snacking isn't it?

"It’s advice I plan to take to heart. And before you start criticising my snacking, why not jot down everything you eat. You may be surprised . . ."

I wasn't going to criticise your snacking. I was going to tell you you clearly have a busy life, maybe you should focus on your achievements and not bother with a pointless diet.

What is WRONG with Giles Coren?!!

I can only presume the Daily Male were advertising for a columnist and Giles Coren thought - fuck it, there's a recession on, I'll just put my sense of decency in this handy dustbin, I could sure use the money. Here's the line-by-line on a little piece called So why is it all right for women to be sexist about MEN?

"The two Sky Sports presenters who were caught on tape making disparaging remarks about women earlier this week are a pair of daft old duffers, and no mistake. It is important for me to say that first, before I get to the business in hand."

Well before I start let me say on behalf of women everywhere: thank you. Good to have you on our side for once.

"Andy Gray and Richard Keys are a couple of dull, flabby, middle-aged football bores and are just the sort of doddering old clowns you would expect to relax off camera by swapping ancient prejudices and poking fun at women — in this case a female linesman — for not understanding the offside rule."

I wasn't personally in favour of sacking them because of their age and weight. I'd call that ageism and sizeism. For me the problem was the whole sexism thing.

"You shouldn’t pass unflattering remarks about women behind their backs because it is not a well brought-up thing to do, and they needed to be told. I would never do it myself. Not because I am a feminist, but because I am a gentleman."

Oh so now it's classism? You don't believe women deserve equal rights and opportunities (that would be feminism), you believe working class people shouldn't have good jobs.

"But while Gray has now been sacked, I don’t expect that will be the end of the matter."

Lets hope not. Let's hope that the public consciousness on the matter has been raised far enough to wonder just briefly if we're really all ok with a 5.1% rape conviction rate or a pay gap the size of the rift valley.

"We will hear an endless shrieking to ‘kick sexism out of football’; a PE teacher will be fired for telling his goalkeeper to ‘stop crying like a girl’; and a hapless League One manager will be deported for describing a fight between players as ‘handbags at dawn’."

Wow - sexism in football getting the same treatment racism has had in the past. Yes that would really be going too far wouldn't it? And PE teachers (who by the way are all male) and League One managers should be allowed to be sexist if they like too.

"There will be the endless apologies, public soul-searching and self-flagellation. And as usual the rest of us men will be expected to atone as a sex for a couple of remarks by two fat, superannuated fools on the telly, and to grovel for forgiveness with every snivel and cringe of our waking lives."

How many times have you grovelled and snivelled about this one so far Giles? I've counted none. Nor have I so far asked any men I know ever to apologise for remarks made by other men. On the contrary the world of "other men" will be distinctly enhanced by the recent events in one obvious way: two of them are about to get jobs as commentators on Sky Sports...

"Not that that’s anything new. To be a man in this country is constantly to have to apologise for oneself and to be ever so very careful about every sentence we speak or write which contains any reference at all to members of the opposite sex."

If you have to be "ever so very careful" to avoid making overt sexist remarks Giles, then please go right ahead and be "ever so very careful". You would think you wouldn't need to worry though what with how frightfully well brought up you are and all that...

"While at the same time, and this is the shame of it, we ourselves are fair game for women. While sexism from men is the outstanding social crime of the modern world, women can say absolutely whatever they like about us."

Really? I said a few times on air this week that I thought it was right that Andy Gray was sacked (an opinion it appears you agree with though for odd and different reasons). Since then I've had the usual string of abusive messages on my blog, facebook and email. My work has been attacked on public forums by people who've clearly never seen it. And just for raising the issue I've been accused of "moaning" and told in no uncertain terms to get over it. I dread to imagine what would happen if I made an actual sexist remark against men.

"For make no mistake: sexism is alive and well in this country and applauded in all quarters — as long as it is practised by women. And they are allowed to say the most terrible, terrible things."

Hold on these are two very different things. Women are paid less, lack power, property and respect in every level of our society. Women (the oppressed group) are very much entitled to highlight their situation with humour and make comment on how to escape it. Men (the oppressing group) are not welcome to use humour to reinforce and perpetuate those negative attitudes and stereotypes.

"Only last week, for example, Jo Brand, the newly crowned Best Female TV Comic at the British Comedy Awards, was on Have I Got News For You and replied to the question ‘What’s your favourite kind of man, Jo?’ by saying: ‘A dead one.’ Oh, how the audience fell about. And the other contestants, all male, chortled away too."

On Tuesday night I watched a male comic say he had sex with his wife while she was asleep. Luckily, he remarked, she sleeps with her mouth open. Your go Giles.

"I’m not saying it wasn’t funny. I’m just saying we live in a world where the thorough-going awfulness, uselessness and superfluity of the male sex is such a given, that a frontline television comic can get big laughs by saying she’d prefer it if we were all dead."

We also live in a country where due to the violence experienced by women at the hands of their male partners and ex-partners two of us every week actually do end up dead. Hence why the other way round the joke doesn't really work.

"And I’m trying to imagine a world in which I am on that show and they say, ‘What kind of women do you like, Giles?’ and I reply: ‘Dead ones.’ I just don’t think it would get the same laughs, do you?"

Ah well let me explain the nature of humour Giles. Humour arises from the unexpected. There's nothing unexpected about a man killing or wanting to kill a woman. I get death threats fairly regularly from men who find an opinionated outspoken woman who believes in actual equality an unbearable possibility. Do you?

"Here’s another of Jo Brand’s (excellent) gags. ‘What’s the way to a man’s heart? Straight through the chest with a kitchen knife!’ Again, not unfunny. But predicated on the idea that killing men is hilarious. Whereas killing women, as we all know, is a very serious affair and not to be joked about."

Actually killing women, as I explained above, is a fact of life in the UK. And a fact of life that neither the government nor the police seem all that bothered about.

"It’s not just Brand, it’s all women. ‘What do you call the useless flap of skin attached to a penis?’ they joke. ‘A man!’ they all reply, and clink their chardonnay glasses and chortle till dawn. How on earth did this get to be OK?"

Well two things: (1) Earlier on you complained you and all other men were expected to take the blame for Andy Gray. Now you are blaming me and all women for remarks made by Jo Brand. Fuck off. (2) What parties do you go too?! Chardonnay? Did your parents spend all that money on your upbringing only for you to spend your evenings in Yate's wine lodge? I last heard that "joke" when I was about 16 and I don't remember it being funny or interesting then.

"I’ll tell you how. It is because pretty much from birth women are schooled by their mothers to deride men. They are sugar and spice, we are slugs and snails."

If only women were all well brought up like you eh? Shame your expensive prep school probably doesn't even take girls. What's the word for that? Oh that's it - discrimination!!

"They are reflective and sensitive, while we run around kicking balls and shouting. And then as girls push towards puberty their mothers take them aside and tell them: ‘Boys are only after one thing!’"

Firstly I'm not sure that is what parents do to girls any more. I think they're just a touch more nuanced than that though since you grew up in a Victorian novel perhaps you had it differently. But secondly if we "warn" girls that boys only want sex, we seem to be simultaneously warning girls that they don't (or shouldn't) want sex, that they won't (or shouldn't) like it and certainly shouldn't have it. All lies. We (if we do, I think a lot of modern parents are past this though) are effectively telling our girls that regardless of their personality, their academic achievements and physical strength, their true value lies in their virginity. That's a horrible hateful message that values women purely in their desirability to men.

"The great lie. All men want is sex. Not so. If anything, it is women who think only of having it off. Girls on average lose their virginity much younger than boys and have more sexual partners in youth."

Girls on average go through puberty earlier than men. And excluding the gay community men and women have to be having, overall, the same number of partners, if girls have more sexual partners in their youth (and you would think he would lay on some statistics here cos I'm not familiar with this "fact") men must be having more when they're older. Dirty fuckers...

"As a teenager, I was terribly shy about sex and yet girls were trying to do it with me all the time. I used to run, literally run, from their bedrooms when they tried it on. And yet women are allowed endlessly to harangue us with our supposed lechery."

As a teenager I never ever, not once, got as far as a boy's bedroom seeking sex and then had him run away. Not that there aren't sexually forward women and sexually inactive men, but I don't see any evidence to suggest your experience was typical Giles. And lechery is actually very different from wanting to have sex. If you want to have sex with someone, you can ask them out. There's no need to be lecherous. Lechery is stuff like overtly gawping at someone's body, making repeated sexual remarks, etc. The vast majority of lecherous people would jump out of their skin if the object of their attention turned round and said "ok, lets have sex".

"And the prejudice festers. Harriet Harman says that men caused the banking crisis, and the harridan legions nod their heads. ‘If women ruled the world,’ they cry, ‘there would be no wars.’ "

So name the women behind the banking crisis? Is Fred the Shred short for Frederica? And a minute ago you were saying you had to watch every word you said - now you are calling women harridans. Maybe you should add that word to your special dictionary of words to watch out for...

"What nonsense. Women are far meaner, more brutal, aggressive, small-minded, jealous, petty and venal than any man."

If women are so much more brutal, why do we commit so much less of the domestic violence, the street violence and the crime in this country?

"If women ruled the world countries would be invaded because ‘she’s always been jealous of my feet’ and because ‘she looks down on me for going out to work’."

Which women are these? Not the ones in my life. I've never known anyone look down on another person (male or female) for "going out to work". You really have to be super-super rich to fail to appreciate the necessity of earning a living in this world. You might as well look down on people for eating yogurt with a soup spoon. Peasants!!

"Millions would die, torture would increase. If women ruled the world there would be carnage."

Yes women who right now commit a tiny tiny fraction of the violence in the world would definitely get into power and decide to kick things off with a big old round of torture. Is your article based on anything but hate?

"And what sort of an insult is it anyway to suggest that most women don’t understand the offside rule? It’s true, for a start. Most women don’t. And most of them declare it proudly."

Erm, how badly are you not getting this. Andy Gray and Richard Keys were saying a female linesman - with a professional refereeing qualification - didn't understand the offside rule. That's like saying a dentist can't fix teeth because of her gender. It's rude and way out of line (pun intended).

"Most of them use football as an example of one of their favourite gags, the one about how men never grow up, about how we’re all just children — most often manifested in the one where a mother-of-two says ‘I’ve got three children’, you raise an eyebrow, and she nods towards her husband. Hilarious."

How awful it must be for these men to be looked after like a child - to have their food made for them, be exempted from housework and their clothes laid out every morning. If you don't want to be called a child - act like an adult.

"And nor are men, in this female narrative, merely puerile, aggressive and underdeveloped. They are hypochondriacs, too."

Amazing that in the face of all these inadequacies we've let so many into the cabinet isn't it? Not to mention the management of all the big companies...

"‘He’s got a touch of man flu,’ say the womenfolk and titter. But what nonsense is that? It is women who make a big fuss about mild discomfort, not men."

I even saw this one on Mythbusters and it was proved the other way - women had a much higher pain threshold than men. Also by the way "titter" is misogynist for "laugh".

"I have never had so much as a cold in my life, nor claimed to. I even suspect sometimes that the whole palaver about the pain of childbirth is a conspiracy to ride roughshod over men."

Seriously? We're making it up about childbirth? You deliver a watermelon through your penis and call me back on this one ok?

"My own mother, a consultant anaesthetist herself, has always claimed that giving birth was a breeze but that she pretended it had been painful to build bargaining chips with my father."

Yeah things that can help ease the pain of childbirth part one: being a consultant anaesthetist. And why the hell did she need to build up bargaining chips? Couldn't she just do what she wanted or did your father have to issue permission first?

"You look at shows like Loose Women and you wonder how on earth they get away with the terrible things they say about men. I went on once and it was horrific. I wanted to die."

Well you had a bad experience. You would hope you would come away from it with a sympathy for women who go through something similar every time they go to work. Imagine being a camerawoman on Top Gear. Or a female co-presenter with Andy Gray. He'd probably make lecherous remarks asking you to help him adjust his microphone cable in his trousers...

"No male-hosted show could treat women the way those outsized harpies treat men."

(1) As we've seen, they can, and do. (2) What has size got to do with it? (3) Another word for your "watch every word" dictionary: harpie, noun, derogatory term for women.

"I don’t especially want to throw my hat in with Dominic Raab, the slightly bonkers Tory MP who has called for an end to legislative discrimination against men, but there is no question that women today have it all."

Oh yes we sure do - last I heard there were almost as many women in the cabinet as there are Magdalen College Oxford graduates. We've clearly made it. Release the party poppers...

"They retire younger and live longer to such an extent that minor inequalities in pay levels are obliterated when you consider whose money pays for those 25 years of retirement. And it just isn’t fair that they are allowed to be so vile about us."

Of course female poverty in old age is another area of inequality we haven't even talked about. Also bear in mind that the gender life expectancy gap is actually mostly down to lifestyle - to the fact that men drink and smoke more and eat less healthy diets.

"I suppose, in a way, British men are like white people were in Nineties South Africa or young Germans after the Second World War."

That seems unfair - white South Africans and younger German people seemed on the whole at least willing to admit and learn from the mistakes of the past.

"We are expected to go through a period of atonement for the sins of our fathers. To be treated worse than we merit because of crimes previously committed in our name: in this case the crime of feeding, protecting, loving and nurturing women in accordance with our biological imperative."

Who knew that "feeding" would involve so little cooking, "protecting" so very much murder, "loving" so much rape and "nurturing" so much direct discriminatory behaviour? And biological imperative? Don't make me laugh. Go and read Cordelia Fine, and come back when your top notch education has actually taught you something worth knowing.

"They don’t want that any more. They want to be linesmen. And so we have to let them tell us endlessly how they wish we were all dead."

Oh whoops ladies - apparently we now have to choose whether we want to be loved and nurtured or whether we want to be linesmen. And I know, I know, earlier on he said we could have it all but of course he didn't actually mean IT ALL, he meant, y'know either a partner or a career. Or neither if you like!

"If that’s not off-side, I don’t know what is."

Oh well let me explain. Offside is when there are less than two members of the defending team between yourself and the goal line at the time that the ball is passed. It doesn't apply to free kicks, corners and goal kicks or when you're in your own half or not interfering with play. Let me know if I can help you with anything else. For instance looking for that sense of decency...