Remember Ladies...

The Daily Mail today is advising Kate Middleton to never let William see her without make-up unless she's ill. Really? I mean I don't even know HOW you would do that - sleep in make-up? Then you will wake up with it all smudged across your face looking like the aftermath of some awful student binge-drinking session. Sleep in another room? Oh well THAT will help your marriage a great deal. Wait til he's a sleep then creep out, wake up before him and sneak out and apply? Then you will forever get less sleep than him which is a bit tiring and restrictive...

Daily Fail - Vote Now!

Seriously - today's online poll in the Daily Mail is this:

Ha ha ha ha ha....

Sun, Sea and Sex Crimes

Well I was away over the weekend doing a couple of gigs in Tenerife (yeah I know, tough life, but ex-pats deserve to be entertained too!). The highlight for me was the opportunity to bag a boat-trip from Puerta Colon and go out and watch pilot whales basking in the sun just a few metres away from me. The lowlight was at the show on Sunday night...

The compere's onstage, doing well, asks a guy at the front what he does for a living. He says "rapist". Now honestly I'm not that phased by this. People get nervous when a comedian speaks to them from the stage and it's not uncommon for them to wrongly think that saying something outrageous or unbelievable might be the best way to avoid embarrassment. [Hint: in general it's not - you're much better off to just tell the truth. Or if you really don't want to get picked on - say you work for a children's hospital charity, most comics don't want to make jokes about terminally ill children.] Anyway I figure he is trying (and failing) to impress his mates although I notice when the compere repeats it, he does a "power salute" to another guy in the room who returns it - I assume this is his "mate" who thinks his answer is "hilarious". The compere makes a joke along the lines of - that's not a job, you can't do that for a living... The show continues and I'm the first act on.

I tell this guy it is really weird that he seemed "proud" about the rapist remark. I say most guys would want to play that down. I say in fact even most rapists wouldn't really want to draw attention to it. And I make a joke suggesting the women at his table might want to move elsewhere. Then I figure he's been made an example of enough for saying something stupid and inappropriate in a bit of a panic. I get on with my set. Later he reveals he's Scottish and I refer to him as the McRapist. I finish my set, get a beer and go to sit at the back of the show and watch the next act. During the second act the guy comes up to me at the back of the room and grabs my hand to shake it. I'm expecting him to apologise or (people do this a lot) say "Ah, you got me, you did well" (to which "no, I got you, and it was incredibly easy, if I'd done well you'd be crying..."). Instead while still holding my hand firmly he looks me right in the eye and says "It's all true - I was convicted and all".

He is definitely not joking.

And he walks off.

And I can't really scream because it's the middle of the show and another act is performing and that would be incredibly unprofessional of me (though in retrospect I think unprofessionalism might have been more than justified at that point).

I find myself sitting there looking at my hand where he's just been touching me. I go in the kitchen and wash it several times. Eeeeew.

Now I understand the policy of once people have been convicted and (one hopes) served their time, needing to rehabilitate them into society. And given how low the conviction rate for rape is there's no doubt I've shaken hands with unconvicted rapists many times. But what the hell is going on when this guy is overtly publicly proud of having committed rape? Ick ick ick.

Marie Claire Loves Cru-blog

How sweet - I'm featured in their December edition as one of their favourite blogs to read... You can see the page by clicking here. And if you've just arrived after reading Marie Claire then welcome. I'm a bit lower on make-up tips than them and a bit higher on the old vicious satirical feminism, but I think we'll get along just fine.

Actually since I have to wear make-up to work (onstage even guys usually wear make-up otherwise you end up looking really pale and ill) maybe I should give tips:

Translucent foundation to even out the skin and hide spots I've picked.

Dull-coloured blusher to fake a shadow under the cheek bones, little bit of highlighter on top.

Dark eyeshadow round the outside end of the eyes, lighter round the inside and really light white/cream up under the eyebrows.

Tons of mascara, just keep going.

That lipstick that comes with two tubes in a box and one is the colour and the other tube is the gloss. Only thing is this stuff is the devil to get off so extra-powerful remover needed.

Or better still get yourself a TV interview right before your show and then they'll do your make-up for you and probably do a really good job of it that you can just leave on.

Ok - maybe I should stick to satire and feminism...!

Daily Mail Woman of the Year Coverage

Despite my interest in women's rights, the Harper's Bazaar Women of the Year awards are not something I pay much attention to. The fact that shoe designer Manolo Blahnik won one this year for designing shoes so uncomfortable some women have actually had toe amputations in order to wear them for me adds that aroma du patronising sham so highly prized in the fashion industry's attitude to women.

Could help noticing the Daily Fail coverage though... Apparently Yasmin Le Bon bade a terrible mistake by wearing a fur sash. "It's not a beauty pageant Yasmin!" apparently (so what the hell is Monolo Blahnik doing there?!) so Ms Le Bon was too dressed up for a serious event. Meanwhile a woman called Natalia Vodianova (it not being a beauty pageant, one assumes, it won't be full of models... She must work for Land Mine Action.... Oh no, hang on... She's a model) made a terrible mistake by showing up with unshaven legs. She won an award for being "Inspiration of the Year" - inspiration to what? Eating disorder sufferers? In fact I'd wager the most inspiring thing she's done all year is not bother shaving her legs. [Where's my award, I do that every week!]

So are you supposed to dress up or not for this event? Or is it just a case of "here comes a woman, lets criticise her appearance!". Hold on, check masthead, that'd be it...

And then to add insult to injury in the midst of this pathetic excuse to congratulate one another for the thrilling idea of sticking a few frills on a pair of shoes they have the nerve to give an award to Zaha Hadid - the incredible Iraqi architect. I hope she sends it back with F*** OFF written all over it.