Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Me me me on the Bee Bee Cee...

Done a couple of things on the Lag Mags subject over the last couple of days. Firstly I was interviewed on BBC News24 on the subject. I don't think I can find the clip on the web but they put me up against a representative of newsagents who said that no newsagent would put them on a low shelf or sell them to under-18s.

Firstly, yes they would. We've all seen them lined up next to the Beano and Dandy. Secondly, if they already do this, changing the law will not affect them whatsoever so lets just pass the bill anyway. Too easy.

Then I've written a piece for the BBC website as part of a "New" Lads Mag. It's quite fun. I also wanted to write a spoof quiz too on the same theme but it was a bit too saucy for the BBC, which is fair enough... For those of you who'd like to see it though... here it is!!

Would a woman sleep with you … twice?

So you’ve finally managed to seduce the woman of your dreams. Great! Good for you! But is there really any hope she’ll be back for a second date? Test your re-shag-ability in our quick and easy test!

1. While out on your date together you run into her friend. What will she say about you while you’ve popped to the bathroom?
a) I didn’t know the zoo let you take your sponsored animal out for walks …
b) Not bad, has he got a rich brother?
c) I hate you. You get all the good men!

2. Massage is …
a) “Only five dollar to you, meester” from a lady boy in Bangkok.
b) Two minutes of muscle kneading on the physio table after the match.
c) Once I get her feet, she’s mine!

3. Your idea of foreplay is …
a) When you deliberately aim at someone in golf.
b) A few minutes of snogging while you take your clothes off.
c) When you keep teasing her until she tells you that if you don’t put that condom on right now, she is going to beat you to death with a wooden spoon.

4. To spice things up in the bedroom. Do you …
a) Beg her to take it “up the Khyber”.
b) Suggest downloading some internet porn.
c) Start by kissing her shoulders and gradually work your way south!

5. You could tell she was enjoying herself when …
a) She didn’t seem to flinch much.
b) She smiled politely and assured you it was “very nice”.
c) The neighbours came round to complain about the noise.

6. Did she have an orgasm?
a) Org-what?
b) She grunted a bit but it might have been asthma.
c) She lost her voice screaming “YES!! YES!! YES!! …”

7. When you were coming, you shouted …
a) Nothing in case it woke your parents.
b) “Who’s the king, baby, who’s the king?!”
c) Her name.

8. After sex did you …
a) Throw your clothes on and sprint for the door?
b) Fall asleep after the mandatory five minute cuddle?
c) Cuddle and pillow chat until you were ready for round two?

9. The next day did you …
a) Go to the pub to watch the footie, you didn’t stay over anyway?
b) Call her up to tell her it was great and schedule the next time?
c) Keep shagging and send out for Chinese?

10. When her friend rings up the next day to ask how it went, will she say …
a) I’d rather not talk about it.
b) Well, I got laid!
c) I’m sorry, I can’t, oh … talk right now …


Mostly As – How on earth did you manage to seduce her the first time? We’re not sure how you did it but we’re pretty sure you won’t get away with it twice, unless she’s as drunk as she was the first time. It’s time for a serious re-think of your social skills.

Mostly Bs – Well, you’re pretty average. Unless she normally finds her dates from the cast of The Flintstones, she’s probably not impressed. She might give you a second shot, but only to see if she caught you on a bad day the first time. If you want a third date it’s time to up your game between the sheets!

Mostly Cs – Congratulations, you’re the master of the mattress mambo! She’ll be back, beating down the door and begging for more, but then you probably already know that. On the downside, if you break up with her, she may hide in your shed for a couple of years. You won’t care though, you’ll be out every night dating all her friends!


staghounds said...

Is this meant to be a parody? Because it's not, it's a pretty good draft for their next issue. Perhaps you should apply...

Cruella said...

Whose next issue? It's for the "New Lad Mag" i.e. an alternative to lad mags. So it's in the style of a lad mag but the underlying message is a more positive constructive one.