Why thank you Daily Mail, so THAT'S how my body works?

The Daily Fail really has outdone itself today. First grab a handkerchief or something you can ram into your mouth if you don't want to annoy the neighbours with uproarious laughter. Now let me tell you : A MAN has written an article explaining about female orgasms. I know, I know, but don't worry, he knows exactly what he's talking about because he's checked with "science".

Perhaps most worryingly since most people only read the headline, it is titled:

"Put away the road map, lads: Scientists present new proof that women can climax through intercourse alone"

Gee I would have guessed (straight, male) Daily Mail readers were crap enough in bed already, PLEASE don't encourage them to not even bother working at it! And here's the first few lines:

"For decades it has been thought that the clitoris was the only key to a woman's sexual satisfaction."

Only men have ever thought this, and the kind of men who don't speak to women about these things. In other words strange men who are shit in bed.

"That meant men who wanted to satisfy their partners believed they must spend hours getting to know the little button-like organ, its location - and the kind of treatment which excited it."

Finding out what pleases your partner - what a chore, eh? Who are these people, and more importantly - who the hell is sleeping with them?

"But now research shows..."

Oh "research", great, that's going to save me hours of boring boring masturbation.

"...that not only can women climax through sexual intercourse alone,"

Really - sexual intercourse ALONE? No kissing, no petting, no getting in the mood. Just three, two, one, penetrate? Even if that were true, who would want to do it?

"but the resulting orgasm is wildly different to those reached by clitoral stimulation."

A "wildly different" orgasm, so why is it still called an "orgasm"? Sounds suspiciously like they might be talking about "a really nice feeling that isn't really an orgasm" or even "a feeling so unpleasant it's worth faking an orgasm just to get it to stop"?

"The new conclusions will chime with many who have found that there is more than one way to satisfy a woman in bed."

Yeah but will they chime with WOMEN? You know, cos it is sort of us having the orgasms here. I mean how weird to try and confirm your scientific research about female orgasm by corroborating it with a bunch of straight men.

Anyway I'm not going to line-by-line the whole thing cos it's infuriating.I was performing at a comedy night the other day though and one of the other acts, a guy, was talking about sex and said one thing he hates is talking during sex. I think thats pretty sad really. I mean I understand that a lot of us are a bit inhibited and it can be awkward, but really if you're not communicating what you want, it is pretty unlikely you'll be getting it.

And the attitude promoted by the Daily Mail that (1) all women want the same thing, (2) men are supposed to magically know what that is based on "science" and get on with it and (3) good news, that magical thing is actually just a quick bit of penetration and then some snoring is not really helping anyone.

Worse still half way through the article it reveals "female orgasm happens in the brain" as if a dismembered penis could have an orgasm on it's own. And then insists women can have them just by thinking about them. "Darling, I'm sorry, this really isn't doing it for me", "Maybe you're thinking about it wrong?". Sounds a bit like a manifesto for guys who are rubbish in bed.

To be honest I hate expressions like "G-spot" and the notion of different kinds of orgasms. It gives the impression that women's bodies are made of mystic magic buttons and zones. But in fact the definition of a "G-spot" is just an area thats more sensitive than other areas. No-one ever refers to the back of the leg as a magical "knee-spot". There might be some broad generalisations to be made but every woman, and indeed every person is different. And far from being a tick-box list of different types of orgasm to be achieved, finding out what the other person likes IS the fun bit.