"About ten years ago, I was standing in my son's junior school classroom. The teacher had stuck up on the wall the best essays on the topic: 'How I Spent Last Weekend.' One caught my attention."
Hankies out - who needs facts when a one-off tear-jerker case study will suffice...
"Not for this little boy a visit to the zoo or the excitement of a football game. Instead, he had chronicled a weekend's battle between his divorcing parents."
"'Mum calls dad names on the phone,' he had written in his laborious handwriting. 'We had cake for tea. My sister and I cry.' The teacher caught my eye. She had put up that story on purpose."
"My son recently bumped into that little boy. A decade on, he is 18, has dropped out of school and is on drugs."
"Sir Nicholas Wall, the President of the Family Division of the High Court, agrees that something has to be done. He has accused separating couples, especially those from the middle classes, of using their children as 'both the battlefield and the ammunition' to try to score points in their personal disputes."
"'There is nothing worse, for most children, than for their parents to denigrate each other,' said the country's most senior family court judge. 'The child's sense of self-worth can be irredeemably damaged.'"
"Six years ago, my husband and I divorced. It came as a great shock. But we were all too aware our children were just becoming adolescents - and that adolescence is perilous enough without warring parents."
"We tried, not always successfully on my part, never to criticise each other in front of the children. Very occasionally, I even managed to emphasise his good points (of which there are many) - it was quite hard when at the time all I wanted to do was murder him."
"A female friend was shocked. 'Why aren't you using the children against him?' she asked. 'I would.'"
"These women are hurt and they want to get their own back through the children, money or both. They are determined the husband is as much divorced from his children as his wife.
"The strategy is very successful. This otherwise powerful man submits to every capricious demand."
"'With just two hours' notice, I had to cancel an important meeting and take them to the dentist,' he said. If he refused, his wife said, he would not see them for a month."
"An advertising director found himself equally powerless when his wife suddenly moved from London to the Midlands with their two sons."
"'How can my wife hurt me? How could she bring me to my knees?' he asks. 'Through my children.'"
"'She did not tell me. One day she just stopped answering the phone. Until then I had been seeing my sons every weekend,' he says."
"By the time the case reached court, the sons were settled in a new school. The judge admitted that what the woman had done was illegal, but because it was in the best interests of the children to be with their mother, he did nothing."
"'She had got away with effectively kidnapping my children,' said the father. His relationship with his sons has all but broken down. Their new home is too far for them to come to London."
"'The children get bored in an hour or two,' he says. 'They have their friends and their sports, which they would rather do instead.'"
"He tells me he finds the situation 'so goddamn painful. I try to play the role of a father - but how can I when I have been deliberately moved to the periphery of their lives?'"
"The situation leaves many men I have interviewed distraught. They describe the loss of their children as 'an emotional amputation' or 'a living bereavement'."
"It is no wonder that within two years of divorce, half of fathers lose contact with their children."
"As one man said sadly, divorce 'leaves many fathers on the edge of a bloody great abyss. Many fall off and are never seen again'."
"Douglas Alexiou, one of London's pre-eminent family lawyers, agrees that the wife holds all the cards in a divorce case."
"'Court order after court order is served. The wife claims the children are ill or just do not want to see their father,' he says."
"'There is very little a court can do if a mother has poisoned the minds of her children against the father. There is no sanction against the mother apart from a jail term - and no court will do that."
"'Perhaps one day a judge will be bold enough to jail a mother and finally set an example.'"
"U.S. author Kathleen Parker in her excellent book Save The Males points out that in depriving a child of their father, 'we reduce a child's chance of a successful and happy life.
'Growing up without a father is the most reliable indicator of poverty and all the familiar social pathologies affecting children, including drug abuse, truancy, delinquency and sexual promiscuity.'"
"But this misery is not only the fault of the parents. The family court system is adversarial and encourages couples to fight, says Nadine O'Connor, campaign manager at the lobby group Fathers4Justice."
"And change, she says, will be a long time in coming - until lawyers stop making their own killing from warring parents, children will continue to be used as weapons."
As we all know - no-one argues in the park or at the zoo. And only couples who are divorcing argue - not those who have decided to stay together for the sake of the kids but actually hate each other. But interesting angle - I think the kid shows great potential as a columnist - lets hope he aims a bit higher than the Daily Mail.
"'Mum calls dad names on the phone,' he had written in his laborious handwriting. 'We had cake for tea. My sister and I cry.' The teacher caught my eye. She had put up that story on purpose."
If the kid hears Mum calling Dad names there are two conclusions we can draw: (1) We have no idea what Dad is doing - where he is, who with, what he's saying to Mum. (2) Mum is looking after the kids, including making them tea with cake.
"'I want the parents to see what divorce they are doing to their children. They should be ashamed of themselves,' she said."
Shouldn't teachers be better at grammar than this? Also I do pity the child whose story was really well written but who didn't get picked to go up on the board because the teacher was pushing a political agenda that has nothing to do with the national curriculum or quality education.
"My son recently bumped into that little boy. A decade on, he is 18, has dropped out of school and is on drugs."
Most drug-users I'm aware of are pretty secretive about their habit. If this kid told your son about his habit I'd be prepared to suggest a possible explanation: maybe your son takes drugs too. In fact maybe your son is the dealer! But do carry on telling the rest of us how to parent.
"Sir Nicholas Wall, the President of the Family Division of the High Court, agrees that something has to be done. He has accused separating couples, especially those from the middle classes, of using their children as 'both the battlefield and the ammunition' to try to score points in their personal disputes."
Yes and how down to earth and clued up is Sir Nicholas Wall? Well lets put it this way - in his spare time he enjoys "composing clerihews". Exactly. And even he is talking about parents - both parents - not just mothers.
"'There is nothing worse, for most children, than for their parents to denigrate each other,' said the country's most senior family court judge. 'The child's sense of self-worth can be irredeemably damaged.'"
I've got one! Something worse for a child than their parents denigrating each other: the parents denigrating the child. Also famine, disease, child labour and having parents who read the Daily Mail.
"Six years ago, my husband and I divorced. It came as a great shock. But we were all too aware our children were just becoming adolescents - and that adolescence is perilous enough without warring parents."
So you were "all too aware" of the issues but now you feel the need to harp on about them for the rest of the world's benefit? Thanks. I don't even have kids and you're getting right up my nose.
"We tried, not always successfully on my part, never to criticise each other in front of the children. Very occasionally, I even managed to emphasise his good points (of which there are many) - it was quite hard when at the time all I wanted to do was murder him."
So you were actually doing this dreadful thing that we all need to be told (by you) not to do. And even in retrospect you admit you "wanted to murder him"? Easy now, remember your son is reading this on drugs.
"A female friend was shocked. 'Why aren't you using the children against him?' she asked. 'I would.'"
My friends are not like this. Your friends are.
"Her reaction is not unusual. The battlefields Sir Nicholas Wall describes are too often of the wife's choosing."
"Her reaction is not unusual. The battlefields Sir Nicholas Wall describes are too often of the wife's choosing."
How often is "too often"? I mean I think the one in four women in the UK who is a victim of domestic violence is pretty much entitled to "badmouth" her partner. Particularly after he has "blackeyed" her. And bear in mind the most common time for violence to start in a relationship is while the woman is pregnant, so there's a really good chance kids will have been witnessing violence.
"This is because most divorces are initiated by women due to their husband's infidelity, as the fatherhood research body Fathers Direct points out."
Aaargh! No! In 100% of these cases it is the husband who has instigated divorce by BEING UNFAITHFUL. Oh dear Fathers Direct - seems almost like you might be some sort of "men's rights" organisation... Mind you I was guessing that when your website said your aims included "helps shape national and local policies to ensure a father-inclusive approach to family policy" and no mention of "helps end domestic violence perpetrated by men".
"These women are hurt and they want to get their own back through the children, money or both. They are determined the husband is as much divorced from his children as his wife.
One wealthy man I know finds himself, despite his riches, at the beck and call of his former wife."
Are women supposed instead to lie to their children - tell them "Daddy's been totally faithful, he's just friends with that aerobics teacher with the huge breasts"? And if you do tell your kids that then no doubt they respond by blaming Mum for the divorce. You've surely got to be honest with your kids at very least.
"The strategy is very successful. This otherwise powerful man submits to every capricious demand."
Though presumably the strategy wasn't effective enough to stop him screwing around in the first place. Ho hum.
"'With just two hours' notice, I had to cancel an important meeting and take them to the dentist,' he said. If he refused, his wife said, he would not see them for a month."
And what if the wife had an important meeting just at the same time as an emergency dentists appointment? Presumably she should cancel it...? Gosh, it's almost starting to sound like kids are a responsibility, not a fun weekend treat...
"An advertising director found himself equally powerless when his wife suddenly moved from London to the Midlands with their two sons."
Almost like she was trying to get away from you huh? Why would that be?
"'How can my wife hurt me? How could she bring me to my knees?' he asks. 'Through my children.'"
Of course if you really loved her - she could hurt you by leaving you. But that bit doesn't seem to bother you much does it mate?
"'She did not tell me. One day she just stopped answering the phone. Until then I had been seeing my sons every weekend,' he says."
OK that sounds harsh, but we'd need to hear her side to pass judgement wouldn't we? Not at the Daily Mail!
"By the time the case reached court, the sons were settled in a new school. The judge admitted that what the woman had done was illegal, but because it was in the best interests of the children to be with their mother, he did nothing."
Now of course the judge had the power to remove the children from the law-breaking mother and place the kids with dad instead but decided not to do that. But don't let a little gap in information like that prevent you drawing sweeping conclusions about how awful women are.
"'She had got away with effectively kidnapping my children,' said the father. His relationship with his sons has all but broken down. Their new home is too far for them to come to London."
So go visit them - it's only the Midlands - not the Middle East.
"When he goes to see them, he has to stay in a hotel."
How awful. I do hope there's no pool.
"'The children get bored in an hour or two,' he says. 'They have their friends and their sports, which they would rather do instead.'"
So take them out. As I understand it there are zoos, theme parks and fun fairs in the midlands. Or since you're visiting them - take them to play sports or meet their friends.
"He tells me he finds the situation 'so goddamn painful. I try to play the role of a father - but how can I when I have been deliberately moved to the periphery of their lives?'"
Try? Not very hard by the sounds of it.
"The situation leaves many men I have interviewed distraught. They describe the loss of their children as 'an emotional amputation' or 'a living bereavement'."
No doubt there are guys who mean well and want to see kids but there are also plenty of Dads who don't bother to see their kids and don't bother to contribute financially. In the interests of balanced journalism shouldn't we hear briefly about them too... Well I guess we would but we're too busy laughing at the concept of "balanced journalism" being mentioned in the same blog post as "The Daily Mail".
"It is no wonder that within two years of divorce, half of fathers lose contact with their children."
Yes women just love single parenthood so much they're filled with contempt at the idea of someone actually helping them out. What is frightening is that within two years of divorce 50% of mothers are effectively on their own raising kids.
"As one man said sadly, divorce 'leaves many fathers on the edge of a bloody great abyss. Many fall off and are never seen again'."
Maybe they should think about this before they start screwing around?
"Douglas Alexiou, one of London's pre-eminent family lawyers, agrees that the wife holds all the cards in a divorce case."
That is odd since most judges are men and the law is designed so that the number one priority is the kids. Now if it turns out that most women have much better relationships with their kids than men, that would work in their favour. Men could combat this by spending more time with their kids. I know, I know, it's a radical idea...
"'Court order after court order is served. The wife claims the children are ill or just do not want to see their father,' he says."
We all know in real life kids are never ill and never don't want to see their father.
"'There is very little a court can do if a mother has poisoned the minds of her children against the father. There is no sanction against the mother apart from a jail term - and no court will do that."
A court could also award custody to the father. Of course that would only be relevant if the father was prepared to do the hard work of parenting, not just the odd visit.
"'Perhaps one day a judge will be bold enough to jail a mother and finally set an example.'"
Yes no doubt single motherhood would be greatly enhanced by being jailed.
"In all this there is only one real victim - the children. If one of those wives was handed an axe and ordered to hack off a limb of her child, she would be appalled. Yet so many women are happy, even gleeful, to commit the equivalent emotional amputation on their children by depriving them of their father."
"In all this there is only one real victim - the children. If one of those wives was handed an axe and ordered to hack off a limb of her child, she would be appalled. Yet so many women are happy, even gleeful, to commit the equivalent emotional amputation on their children by depriving them of their father."
Yes - ruthlessly keeping their kids playing sports with their friends instead of in a creepy hotel with Dad. How evil.
"U.S. author Kathleen Parker in her excellent book Save The Males points out that in depriving a child of their father, 'we reduce a child's chance of a successful and happy life.
'Growing up without a father is the most reliable indicator of poverty and all the familiar social pathologies affecting children, including drug abuse, truancy, delinquency and sexual promiscuity.'"
Yes Kathleen growing up without a father is a reliable indicator of poverty. One parent families do worse. And poverty is an excellent indicator of all sorts of future problems. That wouldn't be the case of course if fathers paid towards the upkeep of their absent kids. Yet the statistics show that many don't. And if they're not sharing the cost - why should they share the fun parts?
"But this misery is not only the fault of the parents. The family court system is adversarial and encourages couples to fight, says Nadine O'Connor, campaign manager at the lobby group Fathers4Justice."
Fathers4Justice? That would be the discredited organisation that had to be disbanded after revelations that a number of senior members were perpetrators of domestic violence...
"And change, she says, will be a long time in coming - until lawyers stop making their own killing from warring parents, children will continue to be used as weapons."
Even Nadine thinks it's lawyers at fault. Harriet it's only you who has managed to blame women here...
How is it that you write a whole article about how male infidelity leads to divorce and unsupported single motherhood and wind up coming down on the side of blaming women for problems their kids have?
2 comments:
Yet another (yawn) piece of men's rights propaganda masquerading as 'an analysis of why women are so devious, manipulative and cruel towards men!'
Nowhere in this biased article published in the Daily Male is there any evidence, instead we have annecdotal hearsay from men who are supposedly 'experts.'
For the real evidence concerning how family court systems worldwide are increasingly punishing women and their children for daring to divorce their violent and controlling male partners see the link below.
If one were to believe Daily Male's article women supposedly are accorded equal and commonly greater power and rights than men - however that is not the case. The real socio-economic continues to be held by men. Just take a look at the number of males in high positions of power within the legal system, our male-dominated political system, medicine, education etc. oh the list goes on and on.
http://www.safety4parentsandkids.org.au/
The above link has an in-depth article on its main page and its author is a well respected Judge who has direct experience of how the male-controlled legal system operates. Daily Male however is only concerned with its decades - no century old vendetta of male hatred and male contempt for women. Don't be fooled Daily Male is not an objective newspaper but is a tool of male supremacist system.
This piece is just excellent.
Now I was one of those kids whose parents did stay together 'for the sake of the children' and hated each other...argued all the time. It is hell. I think myself and my siblings (all now adults), and both of my parents, would've been a lot happier if they had just divorced.
My dad is one of those who whines about not seeing us - but never paid my mum child support when we were dependents, and now doesn't even call me.
My mum moved us all wherever in the world my dad fancied working and suffered his infidelities, ending up harming herself (I'm not going into that, but it was not pretty). Aaand this has turned into an 'all about meeee' rant.
So yeah...what shit the misogynist 'fathers' rights' morons do talk.
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